Some people think every problem can be solved by passing a law. I`m one of those people. I would love to see congressional hearings on the following topics:
1. Presidents telephoning championship locker rooms. The fan has learned to endure the greed and silliness of players, owners and broadcasters as an unavoidable part of the sporting scene. But to ask that fan, at the high point of his devotion, to watch some politician try to skim off a portion of glory he has done nothing to earn, is one indignity that we can easily avoid. Upon taking office, the President should be required to make fan disclosure statements.
2. Proliferating controls on steering columns. Some auto manufacturers have decided that the lever that turns on the directional signals is a handy place from which to launch all the other capabilities of the modern car. The result is that it is difficult in some models to turn left without washing the windshield, or to wash the windshield without provoking the cruise control.
3. Full shopping carts in the 10-items-or-less lane. The abuse of express lane restrictions has turned our nation`s supermarkets into mockeries of lawfulness. This is one of the few areas where the death penalty might prove to be a powerful deterrent.
4. Subscription cards that fall out of magazines. Every well-informed citizen has one or two of these underfoot. Pick them up and mail them to your congressman. All magazine subscriptions are handled by an outfit in Colorado, so the remaining 49 states should have no trouble passing a law or even altering the First Amendment, if that`s what it takes.
5. Flag-of-convenience films. At one time the moviegoer looking for something out of the ordinary would take in a picture from Italy or Sweden. Now that these have lost their novelty, the laudable American desire to be a jump ahead of the neighbors is being abused by distributors who dig up films wherever they can be cheaply acquired. I envision a commission, rather like the ones that evaluate foreign medical schools, that will separate the emerging national cinemas from the sly hucksters. Films that failed to get this commission`s approval could still be shown, of course, but only in their original languages, with no subtitles.
