When Cynthia Kline decided to teach a class on flirting, she did six months of intensive field work to discover which techniques worked best. First, she visited bars, bistros, restaurnts and health spas and carefully observed her most flirtatious friends. That done, she sailed forth to do some flirting of her own.
”The most surprising thing I found,” says Kline, who has taught her class on flirting at Seattle`s Learning Center for several years, ”was not that most men don`t know how to flirt. I expected that. The shocker is, most men don`t know when a woman is flirting with them. Ninety-nine percent of guys in their 20s, 30s and 40s take one look at a woman who is putting out her most obvious signals, gulp, and look back down into their drinks. I don`t know why, but men in their 50s pick up on a woman`s signals right away.”
Kline`s observations have actually been scientifically duplicated. Dr. Timothy Perper, a biologist, once visited over 100 singles bars to study the flirting signals given out by women. To his utter surprise, he discovered 85 percent of men can`t tell when a woman is flirting. The signals that fell flat in Dr. Perper`s study included: her looking at the man while she strokes her hair; shifting her weight so her body is turned toward the man; lightly touching him or picking an imaginary piece of lint off his jacket; and moving physically closer to him. Some women would flirt with a man for hours; others, only for a few minutes. But most of these closely watched flirtations ended the same way: Once the woman gave up, it was difficult to get her interested again.
According to Kline, flirting isn`t always a prelude to meeting a new sex partner. If the parties are married or otherwise unavailable, for instance
–yet still find each other attractive–flirting can serve as a light-hearted compliment. And in the office, flirting can have the soothing effect of relieving sexual tensions between coworkers. However, it is that
”serious” kind of flirting–the understated promise, the remote hint of things to come–that seems to be something of a lost art.
So just what are those flirting signals that so many men are missing?
Exactly how does a woman flirt? ”Say a man notices an attractive woman,”
Kline explains. ”When she catches his eye, she`ll hold his glance for just a second longer than normal, she`ll look down for a split second, and then look back up and smile. That`s a signal nobody should miss, but I`ve seem many men completely ignore it.”
The smile is perhaps the world`s greatest icebreaker, and students of flirting are required to develop one displaying lots and lots of pearly whites.
Man-in-need images
”The basic idea in flirting is for a man to reflect confidence and basic animal strength,” Cynthia says. ”Even if a guy is insecure or shy, he can project confidence by smiling and by quickly engaging a woman in small talk. I have to tell many men they may not be impressed with their own looks, but there are still many women who will nonetheless find them attractive.”
By all means, try not to appear desperate: the man-in-need image is a definite turn-off. One way to come off as casual while projecting an image of masculinity is to tease. If the lady you`ve spotted is svelte and tall, for instance, call her ”Slim.” Stick with the nickname even after you know her real name–unless she asks you not to use it. Stick with light, upbeat subjects like sports, vacations and hobbies. In flirting, what you say is not as important as how you say it.
If the lady is attracted to you, she is likely to toy with some object she`s holding–a key ring or a wine glass, for example–or she may even touch or stroke some part of herself–the back of her neck, her hair. By doing this, the inner woman is saying through primitive body language that she would really like to have you doing that touching.
According to Desmond Morris, author of ”The Naked Ape,” ”Manwatching” and other books, one of the most intimate signs a man or woman can make is when he or she displays an armpit. In primeval times (and even today, in some cultures) the armpit was considered both an amorous and vulnerable area of the body. In other words, if a lady displays her underarms–through stretching or vigorous hair-grooming–the male would do well to start thinking about what condition he left his place in, because it`s likely he`ll have a female visitor.
If the light is good, watch the woman`s eyes. If she finds you attractive, they`ll grow larger and her pupils will dilate. And if she begins slipping off her earrings, jacket, shoes or other small items of apparel, real romance is a definite possibility.
True, there are many shy women who aren`t quite as flashy. But as subtle as her signals may be, they still mean that the lady is interested.
On the other end of the scale, there is the woman who would flirt with a lamp, were nothing else available. You can spot this type because she strikes up conversations with everybody wherever she goes. Although you`re most likely to be encouraged by her sparkling eyes and dancing smile, it just may be her way with everybody. Therefore, you shouldn`t be too taken back if she turns to ice when your advances get personal.
Just a little squeeze
One way to test the water is to give her a gentlemanly squeeze on the bicep–not enough to hurt, but with enough force to let her know you have some strength. If she`s of the flirting-as-hobby variety, she`ll jerk her arm away in a second; but if her eyes are sparkling for you alone, she`ll sidle up a little closer.
”The things that make flirting fun and natural,” says David, a 42-year- old Los Angeles police officer, ”is when I come across a woman who is so attractive it stops me in midstride. Then I find it easy to hold my gaze into her eyes much longer than I would otherwise.”
David says the thing he watches for is a longer-than-usual look directly into his eyes and a pleasing–but not huge–smile or grin. Once, when he was making a phone call at the UCLA campus, a coed walked by and gave him a long look that was ”unmistakable” because of its duration and her slightly suppressed smile. David hung up the phone in midsentence, rushed from the booth and caught up with the girl. Their flirtation and eye games lasted several hours; it led to a three-year, live-in arrangement.
Compliments are a good portion of the art of flirting, but make sure the compliment is heartfelt and that you`re not trying too hard for effect. Cynthia Kline suggests that men find something about a woman`s character to compliment, rather than carry on over beautiful eyes.
Compliments, please
Says Nicki, a 35-year-old dentist from South Dakota: ”Most men regard me as very good-looking. But I`m essentially shy and don`t really think of myself as fetching or beautiful. So when a guy gives me a genuine compliment, it really boosts my ego. About the best flirting ever directed my way was from a fairly ordinary-looking guy in college. He passed me on the library steps, looked at me for about two seconds and said, `I really like the way you look. I`ve got two tickets to the Greek theater. Want to go?` Well, I was living with a guy then, so I couldn`t take him up on it; but otherwise, I would have. That compliment absolutely made my day because it was genuine and spontaneous. ”Another bit of flirting that sticks in my mind occurred when a guy in my calculus class wrote me a poem on the first day of school. I thought that was also spontaneous and pretty creative.”
Spontanaeity seems to be the word; don`t work too hard to deliver a compliment, because it just may fall flat. ”While I was doing research for my class,” recalls Kline, ”I was at a night spot, dancing with a guy, when he told me how nice my earrings were. The comment irritated me because I know jewelry pretty well and I was wearing the cheapest pair I own. And there was too much effort behind his remark; it`s better to pay no compliment at all than to give one that rings hollow.”
Kline says there are a few situations where people should not flirt, like when money is being exchanged or when the other person is your superior or someone who has power over you. Flirting in the office should go no further;
and men who like to flirt with their female employees must be extremely careful, because their comments may be misconstrued as sexual harassment.
The best locations for flirting are supermarkets, swimming pools, parties and health spas. Most experts agree that bars are far too stressful.
