Some people believe that Small Talk is more than merely important–that our civilization depends on it.
These people, for the most part, are hosts and hostesses, whose ranks are especially large at this time of the year, when 50 percent of the population feels compelled to entertain the other 50 percent.
At the very least, Small Talk is a basic social skill of some consequence, one that certainly is deserving of the capitalization it`s receiving in this article.
Although the term makes it sound vapid and trivial, Small Talk is neither. Without it, things would simply grind to a halt under a blanket of eerie quiet. People would be frozen where they are, staring down at their food or their shoes. It would be horrible, an embarrassing silence that never ends. One dictionary defines Small Talk as light or casual conversation, and much of the time it takes place between people who don`t know each other or who are only slightly acquainted.
Amy Vanderbilt, an arbiter of manners, was referring to Small Talk when she said: ”One of the greatest attributes of social acceptance, even of popularity itself, is the ability to converse.”
Whatever place it holds in the scheme of things, this is an appropriate time to reflect on how well we handle ourselves when the chips are down, the onion dip is in its serving dish and we hear those deathless words: ”Can I get you something to drink?”
This article will seek advice and encouragement for those of us who need help with the fundamentals of social intercourse, which despite being performed far more than the other kind gets a lot less attention.
Our first consultant is Letitia Baldrige, a public relations executive in New York City, a former social secretary to Jacqueline Kennedy and the author of ”Letitia Baldrige`s Complete Guide to Executive Manners.”
In the book, she devotes a section to Small Talk, going so far as to provide a list of subjects for the Bashful People to use at social functions. A partial sampling includes the following:
— Landscape gardening
— Luciano Pavarotti
— American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
— Princess Diana
— Helicopter safety
— Proust
— Robots that do housework
Somehow these suggestions don`t figure to put the fearful at ease. Indeed, the thought of trying to discuss the ASPCA or helicopter safety with people you`ve just met makes agoraphobia seem appealing.
Relax. She knows how we feel. ”People are uncomfortable in groups where they`re not with real pals,” Baldrige says, ”and that`s what life`s all about–feeling comfortable.”
Her point is that it`s not something to come unglued about. ”The reaction to my list shows how anxious people are about Small Talk,” she says. ”I listed those topics tongue-in-cheek, and yet people took me seriously.
”I simply wanted to show how outrageously broad subjects can be. You can talk just about anything, as long as it`s something other people can also talk about.
”If you`re a physicist, for example, you shouldn`t start discussing protons and neutrons, but if you`re a physicist and you pick a subject like the Princess of Wales or robots that do housework, anyone can join in. These are subjects that don`t take specialized knowledge.”
Keep in mind that there`s no way out of this for anyone. In the next few days–if it hasn`t happened already–you will be called upon to engage in Small Talk.
One of these evenings–if it hasn`t happened already–you will find yourself at a cocktail party being introduced to a nervous little circle of people whom you have never seen before, and it would be nice if you could think of something halfway intelligent to say.
Or you will discover yourself seated at an elegantly set table, and you will glance to your left and your right and realize that you have only the tiniest notion of who your dinner partners are and yet you will have to converse with them for the next five courses.
No matter how shy and tongue-tied and clumsy and boring you may be in social situations, no matter how utterly devoid of personality you are when you find yourself mingling with other human beings at festive occasions, the odds are that you`re going to be invited to some parties anyway.
There are, after all, during this Hospitality Glut, hundreds of cocktail parties, dinner parties, office parties, church receptions, caroling parties, TV parties, open houses, teas, coffees and neighborhood get-togethers that have been, are and will be taking place from Thanksgiving through New Year`s Day and into Super Bowl Sunday.
For Baldrige, preparation cannot be overemphasized.
”You must bone up before going out,” she says. ”This way you can walk in with your head held high, knowing you have lots of aces up your sleeve. The thing is to know what you`re passionately interested in and to be able to talk enthustiastically and knowledgeably about it.”
While it may appear self-serving, one of Baldrige`s principal rules is:
”People who don`t read the daily newspaper can`t make Small Talk.”
By that, she doesn`t mean the main stories but the off-beat, human-interest things. ”There are kernels and nuggests tucked away that are good fodder for conversation,” she says. ”Small pieces in the back pages, fillers, little stories with a human touch. You can bring forth one of these and mesmerize your end of the table.”
She offers another tip: ”I know some people who memorize three or four items from `The Guinness Book of World Records.` When they mention these things, people`s eyes widen. `Is that true?` they`ll say. Remember, your companions are eager to find something to talk about, too.”
And when a crisis arises: ”The person who breaks a terrible silence,”
Baldrige says, ”is a hero to the host and hostess.”
Consider how confident you can be when you`ve done your homework with, say, the Guinness book. As soon as conversation bogs down, all you have to do is step in and mention the length of the longest fingernails in history or the largest number of hot dogs ever consumed at one sitting and you`re the Chuck Yeager of Small Talk.
There`s a special medal for those who overcome embarrassing moments. ”I love the story about Franklin P. Adams, who took George Kaufman`s wife to some fancy dinner, and when Mrs. Kaufman sat down she went right through the cane seat and fell head over heels off her chair.
”Everyone was staring, and no one was saying anything. Adams came to the rescue. `Beatrice,` he said, `I`ve told you a hundred times, that is not proper behavior.` Everyone burst out laughing. He`d saved the party.”
Baldrige warns about chemical aids. ”Some use alcohol to make it easier,” she says. ”But they shouldn`t. It`s selfish and artificial and it leads to being garrulous.
”Small Talk is about giving, not getting. And the more you give of yourself, the easier it becomes, the more you enjoy it and the better your social life is.”
Not everyone gets misty-eyed and inspired by Pep Talks about Small Talk and about how great it is to mesmerize your end of the table. ”My husband,” Baldrige admits, ”says to hell with light conversation. He says just give him Raquel Welch as a dinner partner and let him stare at her for three hours.”
Small Talk with strangers is part of a politician`s life, but most of them can get by on handshakes, smiles, Big Issues and the most superficial of pleasantries. It`s their spouses who usually wind up having the heaviest demands made on them and who consequently are far better company than their mates.
One of the best is Nancy Stevenson, whose husband is occasionally a candidate for public office. Asked for advice about light and casual conversation, she replies:
”The thing I remember most is from my childhood, when I felt very awkward with people I didn`t know. I remember once saying to my father when people were coming to our house that I felt shy. He told me that I should think first of our guests. `The point is to make other people feel at home and to make them feel comfortable,` he told me. I try to remember that the emphasis is not on yourself but the other person.”
Not everyone, however, sees Small Talk as a form of graciousness. Some act as though the very idea is beneath them. ”I hate Small Talk,” these people say, with self-righteous indignation, probably because they`re too lazy or frightened to make the effort.
They would feel even more threatened to hear what Nancy Klimley has to say about Small Talk.
”You have a responsibility to be a good guest,” she says. ”In fact, it`s as important to be a good guest as to be a good hostess. You attend parties to entertain and not be entertained.”
Klimley is an accomplished Chicago hostess, a treasured guest and a member of the city`s Library of International Relations, which annually sponsors the Consular Ball.
Needless to say, this shindig attracts the all-stars of social graces, people who slip into white tie and tails as easily and regularly as we head for the kitchen during commercials, people who can talk with sparkling wit about anything. ”Diplomats are the consummate pros at conversation,” Klimley agrees.
Surely there are finer points to be gleaned from being around these giants of Small Talk. ”A lot of it has to do with attitude,” she says, sounding a lot like Mike Ditka.
”These diplomats are accustomed to living abroad in a variety of countries and so, naturally, their horizons are limitless. But it`s their attitude that makes them so delightful. And fortunately, no matter how cosmopolitan our experiences may be, our attitude is something we can do something about.
”You should always be friendly,” she continues, still the Ditka of the Dinner Party. ”You go forth thinking the evening is going to be wonderful! It isn`t a question of being shy. I may feel shy, but I say to myself, `Go ahead.` ”
Not that we`re discussing hard work or psychological torture. ”Going out is really great fun,” she says. ”That`s the point of having the right attitude–to make sure we enjoy ourselves.
”We should remember that there`s a spirit of camaraderie involved. After all, you`re under a friend`s roof, and so there`s already a warm bond between you and your hosts.”
Moving to specifics, what about asking the person you`ve just met what he or she does? ”No,” Klimley says. ”I don`t ask questions at all, especially about what a person does for a living. I was brought up not to ask questions. My husband says I go through life not knowing a lot, but I think it`s best not to. You can find out without asking, by just paying attention.
”And I don`t think anyone wants to hear only about the weather or your children. One more thing. Unless you know your dinner partner well it wouldn`t do to take up a controversial subject.”
Still, she says, ”Your conversation should be gay and light and fun and perhaps somehow memorable.”
Yes, but what are some things we can be gay and light and fun and perhaps memorable about? ”Current events are always good,” Klimley replies.
”Everyone certainly reads the newspapers. I like to have in mind a few current events. These days the stock market is a good topic. It`s something that is uppermost among businessmen.
”Because I`m a woman I`m seated between two men, and I try to think of things that will be of interest to them. Of course, you shouldn`t try to pick up stock tips or, if your dinner partner`s a doctor, you shouldn`t try to get free medical advice.”
Besides the stock market? ”Presidential politics can make for stimulating conversation, and Chicago always seems to have an interesting political situation.”
When you think about sitting through a dinner party being gay and light and fun and noncontroversial about Chicago politics or boning up on the Guinness book and human-interest stories, maybe the people who hate Small Talk have a point after all.
