Time now for a look at how the Pentagon is coping with the nation`s budget crisis. Today`s interview will be with J. Armbuster Leech IV, deputy associate assistant undersecretary of defense for systems ordnance acquisition research and development for manpower and logistics strategic analysis (DAAUDSOARDMLSA).
Q: Uh, Mr. Leech . . .
A: Just call me DAAUDSOARDMLSA. All the generals do.
Q: Yes, but this is a short column. Mr. Leech, how is the Pentagon bearing up under the new Gramm-Rudman budget cutting legislation?
A: Pretty well, considering. But some of these military guys have been through hell. I know a colonel over in Defense Command, Control,
Communications, Intelligence and Yeomanry (DCCCIY) who was actually at Grenada. Over the Christmas holidays, I think. He got the Distinguished Service Cross (DSC) for working late on Christmas Eve (CE).
Q: Getting back to the budget, how big a cut is the Pentagon (P) going to be able to absorb?
A: Why, President Reagan (PR) came out the other day and said we`ll have to take a whopping slash to an increase of just 3 percent after inflation.
Q: Excuse me, but how is an increase a cut?
A: Well, some of us think defense spending ought to be doubled. An increase of just 3 percent is a whopping 1,500 percent decrease from that. Are they cutting welfare by 1,500 percent? Nosirree.
Q: Excuse me, Mr. Leech. but under Gramm-Rudman, the next budget will automatically have to be reduced by at least $50 billion, and by law half of that has to come out of defense.
A: Well, as the President says, Graham-Rudman is a terrific law except for that part about automatic cuts. Anyway, we`d all have enough if they`d just eliminate Amtrak.
Q: How does Defense Secretary Weinberger (DSW) justify all this?
A: Just a minute, I`ll ask him.
WEINBERGER: The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming! Run! Hide! Spend! ARRRGGGHH!
Q: Perhaps you could clarify that, Mr. Leech.
A: What he means is that the Soviets have deployed 45 new SS25 ICBMs, 18 more than we thought. That`s an increase of 66 percent. Yet all we`re asking is a measly 3 percent after inflation.
Q: Are you going to spend it on ICBMs?
A: Well, I don`t think we`re going to fund the Midgetman ICBM program.
Q: Because of budget cuts?
A: No, because we can`t find a general who`s willing to take over a program with the word ”Midget” in it. But, we`re not going to neglect combat readiness. Remember those 461,000 new helmets we bought? Well, we`re replacing them because they failed ballistics tests. And those hundreds of thousands of new fatigue uniforms? We`re replacing those, too, because they make soldiers sweat. Nothing`s too good for our fighting men.
Q: That`s really swell, but aren`t you spending anything on the nation`s strategic needs?
A: Of course! We`ve got $500 million in there for research on the new $3 billion hypersonic air transport. One of those babies will be able to get us to the Paris Air Show (PASH) in less than an hour. And it will be terrific for flinging parts of the Star Wars SDI space defense system into orbit.
Q: Are you an expert on budgetary matters?
A: Mercy, no. I got this job because my Mommy and Nancy Reagan (NR) have the same hairdresser. My budget analyses come from that computer over there –the one marked ”U/S,” for United States.
Q: ”U/S” doesn`t mean United States. It`s the military shorthand for unserviceable. The computer`s broken.
A: Right, and you would have us cut our budget so we can`t buy a new one.
