Living in the shadow of powerful wives, they`re portrayed as everything from opportunists to wimps. But the husbands of women who have made it to the top say they are gutsy men, not spineless.
Today, with women making up 44 percent of the work force, masses of husbands, throughout history the chief breadwinners, are facing this sociological shift. Experts say men must feel fulfilled as individuals to survive marriage to accomplished spouses.
Letitia Baldrige had been a career woman since college graduation, and
”there was no way I was going to shift gears” when in 1963, at age 35, she married Bob Hollensteiner, a real estate developer.
Baldrige`s resume includes work as Jackie Kennedy`s chief of staff and social secretary in the White House, Tiffany`s first head of public relations, social secretary at the U.S. Embassy in Paris and assistant to U.S. Ambassador Clare Boothe Luce in Rome.
In 1964, she started Letitia Baldrige Enterprises, a New York-based marketing and public relations company, and has written nine books. Her latest book is ”Letitia Baldrige`s Complete Guide to Executive Manners” (Rawson Associates, $22.95).
”Bob has always been his own man,” Baldrige says of the longevity of her marriage.
”He has his own world. He loves spectator sports and hunting, and I go to museums and concerts by myself. Then we share our social and family life.” On the few occasions when he is called ”Mr. Baldrige,” Hollensteiner, father of Baldrige`s two grown children, doesn`t get upset.
”Bob married me fresh from the White House and was used to my being in the limelight. He never asked me about the White House personalities. He couldn`t really care less. That doesn`t impress him at all.”
RAISING THE KIDS
A blending of egos isn`t the only issue that must be worked out between husbands and high-visibility wives. Child-rearing can also be a bone of contention.
”I have mixed feelings,” says a successful architect married to a female partner in a top Chicago law firm. ”On one hand, I am delighted that my wife has a very fulfilling and worthwhile career. On the other hand, I believe we give up something as a family unit with my wife being so much of a full-time career woman.”
The couple has a toddler daughter who is cared for by a housekeeper during the day.
”I`m all for equality, but I don`t think the sexes are identical,” the architect continues. ”I think the needs a child has for a mother are different from those a child has for her father. I would rather see my wife home more with the baby. I`m not saying she should give up her career. I`m saying work maybe 25 to 30 hours a week.”
His male ego isn`t bruised by his wife`s stellar accomplishments, ”90 percent of the time. Ten percent of the time it bothers me.
”I have a very successful and full and interesting career and there are times when I feel that particular endeavor of my life is diminished by the fact that my wife shares that limelight with me. But for the most part, I`m proud of her.”
LET`S BE HONEST
Ambitious women contemplating marriage should ”put all your cards on the table before you do it,” Baldrige advises. ”Tell the man, `If you marry me, you are marrying somebody who has tremendous career goals.`
”One person always has to compromise more than the other. It`s never 50-50.”
Compromise is the glue that keeps a two-profession marriage cohesive, says Washington lawyer James Schroeder. As the husband of Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D., Colo.), he finds he has to be ”flexible and available.”
He says: ”In the early days, my career was the primary career. When my wife was elected to Congress (in 1972), there was a shift and hers became the primary career, which meant I ended up making more accommodations.”
”It was tough, earlier in our marriage, when we first came to Washington and the children were 2 and 6. We had to scramble a lot,” says Schroeder, a senior partner in the law firm of Kaplan, Russin and Vecchi. He met Patricia while they were students at Harvard Law School.
Their children are now 15 and 19.
Her schedule ranks among the busiest in Congress. A founder and co-chair of the Congressional Caucus on Women`s Issues, Schroeder is running for re-election and serves on the demanding Armed Services Committee.
She invented the term ”the Teflon president” to describe Reagan`s ability to sail through crises with no blame sticking to him.
In a two-profession home, one partner has to ”accept a subordinate role,” says James Schroeder.
”Secondly, where you have somebody in the public eye of politics, I think the other party has to understand all that it entails. For example, I see some political spouses who really don`t like politics, and those are the people who tend to be unhappy. I`ve always been interested in politics.
”Finally, you have to have your own independent career with your own obligations.”
When he is introduced as ”Pat Schroeder`s husband,” he claims to feel only pride: ”We say that Pat has gone a long way on my name.”
YOU CAN DRESS HIM UP . . .
The star quality of a strong woman can be enhanced or deflated by her husband`s behavior toward her in public, says Catherine Johnson of Los Angeles, who holds a Ph.D. in communications and frequently writes on psychological issues.
”If a husband acts too masculine, he`ll overshadow her. If he`s too feminine or wimpy, he`ll make her look like a castrator,” Johnson says.
”His mission, should he choose to accept it, is to come off totally and completely supportive, without appearing namby-pamby.”
Blake Carrington types, the wealthy patriarch on TV`s ”Dynasty,” need not apply.
”When the couple is out at quasi-professional gatherings, the husband can`t be utterly in charge, playing the classic role of husband-protector, or his wife`s career is not going to be taken seriously.”
If he`s rich and flashy, the wife`s credibility slips further, Johnson adds.
”There is a woman here in Hollywood who has a good position at a major production company and her husband is very wealthy. Everybody knows him. And she`s generally not taken seriously. Like a rich wife who collects art, she`s considered a rich wife who dabbles in movie-making.”
HUBBY AS PR AGENT
Johnson was inspired to study the executive husband because of her own marriage to a UCLA professor, a man who is ”very good at working the room on my behalf.
”A husband who does your PR at a party is an asset. A lot of them won`t. There are guys who will fall asleep at company parties. That can be a real problem for the executive wife. If you`ve got one of those, the best approach might be to leave him at home.”
President Reagan would be a ”horrible” executive husband, Johnson predicts, because of his patronly attitude toward his wife.
”If Nancy were trying to become a career woman at this juncture, her husband would be a liability,” she says. ”Because he`s always sort of touching her back, touching her elbow, and treating her as if she needs guidance.
”Now if he were married to Barbra Streisand, he might be an asset, because then he`d be toning her down. She`s so intense and seemingly self-sufficient.”
Psychologist Brad Blanton`s practice at his Center for Well Being in Washington, D.C., is predominantly two-career couples, most of them lawyers.
When patients talk about power struggles at home, ”it`s usually a powerlessness struggle that doesn`t have too much to do with professions,”
Blanton says.
”The truth is, nobody can take any steam out of anybody else`s act. It`s a hollow complaint. If I hear, `I can`t take it because my wife is more powerful than me,` it may be true, but it`s not because of her job. It`s because of his sense of powerlessness in the first place, so that`s what we work on.
”If a guy has a problem with insecurity, he would have the problem whether he had a high-powered wife or not.” —
