In 1971 I received my first letter from a young reader. She was 13 and she wrote to tell me that she was exactly like the character of Margaret in
”Are You There God? It`s Me, Margaret.” I was surprised and thrilled, and I wrote back to her the same day. Somehow, between then and now, the number of kids who write to me has grown to nearly 2,000 each month.
Why do kids confide in me? I`ve been trying to figure that out for years. I`m still not sure I understand completely, but I know that it`s often easier to confide in someone you don`t have to face at the breakfast table the next morning, someone who can`t use anything you have to say against you. And I know from their letters they identify with the characters I`ve created in my books, so they feel that I`ll also understand them, without judging or condemning them for their thoughts and feelings.
Dear Judy: I have a problem at school. One girl has decided to turn everyone against me. And on the bus another girl is doing the same thing. So now all the kids and even some of the teachers hate me. Have you written any books in which the main character has the same problem? If so, which one? If not, could you please write one?
–Felicia, age 10
When my daughter Randy was a 5th grader, she came home from school with stories about her classmates and how badly they were treating each other. Randy was a shy, quiet child, not a member of the ”In Group.” She was an observer. And she was especially upset by the way one girl in her class, Cindy, had become the victim of the class leader. One day during lunch period, the leader of the class and her group locked Cindy in a supply closet and held a mock trial. Cindy was found guilty. ”Guilty of what?” I asked Randy at the dinner table. But Randy didn`t know. Guilty of lack of power is my guess.
What happened to Cindy could have happened to almost anyone. Randy knew that and it was a frightening thought. I asked Randy if the teacher knew what was going on. Randy didn`t think so. Most of the harassment took place during lunch period or on the playground or on the school bus.
That episode led me to write the book ”Blubber,” which deals with children`s cruelty to each other.
Dear Judy: I am a 13-year-old boy. When I was in 6th grade everyone liked me. No one ever teased me. In fact, kids I didn`t even know stopped in the halls and said, ”Hi, Billy!”
Everything changed in 7th grade. The school was a big difference. It was a junior/senior high. Our area has no middle school and kids go from sixth grade (in elementary school) to seventh grade in a school with seniors. This was the whole problem. In gym class all the 10th, 11th, and 12th graders would pick on me and say things like, ”Here comes the school fag,” or even more blunt things.
I told the principal and he said there was nothing he or anyone else could do about it. He said I just had to take it like all the other kids.
They did it the whole time I was in school. I was tripped, kicked and spit on to mention a few. One day it was too much. My whole lunch–Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and milk–went over one kid`s head. The other one got nicely pushed in a garbage can.
During all the time I was teased I escaped with reading. That`s when I discovered your books. I could really relate with the teasing in ”Blubber”
although I`m not fat. All I can say is, thank you for being there when you were needed most.
–Billy, age 13
When I read letters like this one I try to imagine having a job where my co-workers harass me or threaten me physically. A job where my boss is so out of touch that he or she has no idea what`s going on. I imagine I feel anxious, fearful and desperate but I still have to get up every morning and drag myself to that place of work. When I get there, I can`t concentrate. Eventually I throw up my hands and shout, ”I quit!” Then I look for a new job.
But kids don`t have that option, which is one reason I get so angry when I hear parents say, ”You think you have problems now. Just wait. You don`t even know what problems are.” But they do know. And their problems can be as important as ours.
A librarian, Charlotte, wrote that when she was in 5th grade she was teased and tormented by her classmates. Her parents knew nothing about it. She was ashamed to tell them what was happening. This experience so colored Charlotte`s attitude toward herself that to this day–and she is 35–she does not expect people to like her.
During the middle years of childhood, from 9 to 13 some kids use friendship to manipulate others. They use friendship to gain power. My son Larry was a sunny, friendly, outgoing child. We moved when he was in 5th grade and he started a new school, where most of the children had been together for many years. The leader of that class was Jeffrey, a physically small boy, but a powerful presence in the classroom. For months Larry suffered under his reign. I didn`t know exactly what was going on but I knew there was trouble. At night Larry couldn`t fall asleep. Sometimes he became physically ill. He wasn`t able to verbalize his problem. Kids are sometimes ashamed to admit that they are victims in the classroom. Years later Larry told me that Jeffrey had threatened to kill him and Larry had believed that he would. That`s enough to give anyone stomach pains.
Dear Judy: My name is Melanie. I had a problem similar to the one you wrote about in ”Blubber.” I was tormented and harassed at school. For two weeks I was a wreck. The fear was sickening. Finally, I couldn`t stand it anymore and I told my mom. We went to the principal. He straightened everything out. I just want to emphasize that when someone is harassed they should first try to handle it by themselves. If that doesn`t work then they should head for the authorities.
–Melanie, age 11
Every class has a leader but not every leader uses power in an evil way. A lot depends on the teacher. A teacher can`t prevent every act of cruelty within the classroom, but he or she can go a long way in reducing it by being sensitive to the students, providing an atmosphere that is warm, secure and free from fear, and bringing the subject of how we treat each other out in the open. With that kind of teacher Larry`s first few months in a new school might have been different.
What surprises me is how willing some kids are to reverse roles. The one who has been victimized will often, if given the chance, jump right in and participate in the victimization of someone else.
So if your kids come home from school with stories about their classmates and how they are treating each other, talk with them about it. Encourage them to get their fears and feelings out in the open. It`s important for kids to sense their parents` real commitment to the idea that they become
compassionate people.
As Jill`s mother reminds her in ”Blubber”: ”Think how you would feel if it happened to you. Try to put yourself in her place.”
”I could never be in her place,” Jill replies.
”Don`t be so sure,” her mother says.
Kids: If it happens to you try to solve it yourself, as Melanie advises. But if you can`t, you have to find someone you can trust–a parent, a teacher, a counselor–someone who will listen, someone who can help you. Don`t suffer alone. And don`t blame yourself. You may not be able to change things overnight but at least you`ll be getting your feelings out in the open. ”And that`s a lot better than keeping them bottled up inside.
Dear Judy: ”I`m going to be 10 soon. I`m glad I`m writing to you because I really have nobody to talk to. I just lost my best friend. Her name is Carolyn. We used to share secrets, play together and we even had a club. But then Jennifer came along. Jennifer has a clique with some other girls. Me and Carolyn made a vow never to be in that clique because Jennifer, the leader of the pack, tells you what to wear, what to eat, who to like and what labels to buy. But Carolyn went with her anyway and now Carolyn doesn`t like me anymore. I can`t talk to my mom about anything private or personal because I`m too embarrassed.
–Bonnie, age 10
I had two friends in elementary school, Jane and Rachel. We weren`t always kind to each other. Sometimes I was more friendly with one than the other. Sometimes one of us felt left out by the other two. Sometimes jealousies developed.
One afternoon, when I was in 6th grade, Jane`s mother came to my house and asked to speak to my mother. Since my mother and Jane`s mother were not friends I was surprised. I went outside, and when I returned an hour later, my mother was upset. Jane`s mother had told her that Rachel and I had been spreading rumors about Jane. She wanted my mother to put a stop to it.
”Children are very cruel,” Jane`s mother told mine. My mother repeated that phrase several times. Children are very cruel. Each time she said it I cringed.
Jane was horrified when she found out that her mother had gone to see my mother. This was not a case of a child being victimized. We were three friends who squabbled regularly and then resolved our own problems.
We can`t fight these battles for our kids, nor do they want us to. Sometimes, all we can do is recognize and acknowledge our kids` pain and help them become more aware of other`s feelings.
Dear Judy: Please help me with this problem at school. Two kids, Lesley and Donna, are not in a fight with me–it`s a feud! It all started after our school play. Donna promised me that I could help her and Lesley pass out flowers to the teachers. Then they did it without me. This made me mad and I yelled at them.
The next day I discovered that all of my old friends were crossing my name off their notebooks. I was horrified. My whole body felt like Jell-O. What had I done to them? Then I thought, It`s Donna! And it was. I looked at her and she gave me the eye before putting her hands in front of her face to avoid looking at me. The rest of the day was torture. My class teased me about everything. They called me ”Brace Face,” ”Tinsel Teeth,” ”The Ratty Redhead,” ”Ugly,” ”Grotesque” and more. But what bothered me most is that they pretended to be me by curling their hair around their fingers the way I used to. But I`ve stopped doing that.
I came home crying and totally miserable. I really wished that I had someone to tell my troubles to.
My mother doesn`t understand. She says she`s sick of this ”ganging up”
thing, and would I please try to find some new friends. Well, Donna took all my friends away so I tried to talk to my teacher. She said to just ignore them. I tried both ideas for two weeks and they both failed.
I really need help. Last night I was in hysterics. I grabbed at my carpet and screamed very loudly. I thought of running away and also of committing suicide. Sometimes I still feel like doing that. And today was the worst day in my entire life. School was horrible. My sisters and mother wouldn`t stop nagging me and I just lay on my bed and screamed. Then I thought of you and knew you would understand. Please, please help me.
–Molly, age 11
Two weeks can seem like an eternity to a child who is suffering. If Molly had had comfort and understanding at home, I think she would have fared better. The reassurance that ”this too shall pass” might not have been enough, but it would have been better than the message she got from her family –that no one was really listening to her.
The Kids Fund was established in 1981 by Judy Blume. It offers grants to non-profit organizations for the support of programs that help young people communicate with their parents, develop self-respect and acquire the information they need to make wise decisions about critical issues in their lives. All author royalties from the sale of ”Letters to Judy” will go directly to The Kids Fund.
Letters to Judy Blume can be addressed to her c/o G.P. Putnam`s Sons, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.
