Dear Judy: I`ve never had the courage to write you before but I`m doing it now. It seems like I have something in common in every book of yours I`ve read. I`m now 14 and haven`t started my period. It worries and scares me but I haven`t got anyone to talk to. My little brother and I are now the only children at home. My sister is in college and my older brother lives in New Mexico. My parents separated when I was in 5th grade. I`ve lived with Mom and her live-in, then Dad. That was okay. But after Daddy got married it was Daddy and my brother and me plus my stepmom and my stepsisters. Things just didn`t work out when Daddy wasn`t home so my brother and I moved back in with Mom and she married her live-in.
Boys are a problem and so is virginity. I like boys but will not go far. Most people at school think you are weird if you are in the 8th grade and a virgin. I think it is something I want to save for marriage. A boy likes me and wants me to go to the movies with him but Mom won`t let me go. What shall I do? She`s the kind of person you can`t sit down and talk to. I`ve tried.
All my feelings build up inside of me because I can`t talk about it with my mom and I`m too shy to do so with my friends. I think I am overweight but do not know. Judy, give me some advice or just write to me. I`m very lonely and haven`t got anyone to talk to. Sometimes I just go to my room and cry.
–Stacey, age 14
When I was growing up we had very firm rules about how far to go. Nice girls didn`t go all the way. We were supposed to be virgins until we were safely married. I guess not all of us were, though, because in my senior class two girls, both of them honor students, both of them on their way to college, had to drop out of school and get married because they were pregnant. In the
`50s abortion was illegal. I`ve often wondered what happened to those girls. Surely their lives were changed forever because they became pregnant while they were in high school.
Times have changed. Kids today have to make many more decisions on their own. As parents we can help them learn to make those decisions wisely. We can acknowledge today`s realities without giving up our own values, not by hiding from the issues, but by facing them and talking about them with our kids. Find out what your kids think by talking with them about characters in books and movies. That`s an easier way for both of you to say what`s on your minds. It`s also easier if you remember that times have changed, but feelings haven`t. We can`t control our kids` behavior but we can share our views on what`s right for our family, and why.
Dear Judy: I just broke up with my boyfriend. I still lose sleep over him. But my family doesn`t understand. They say, ”Caroline . . . why do you lose sleep over him? He`s not worth it.” How can I tell them that we made love off and on? And that when I was with him I felt so warm and safe. Maybe this sounds dumb, writing my love life to you, but I thought maybe you could write a book about us.
–Caroline, age 13
Sometimes parents send their kids mixed messages. We tell them to do one thing but act as if we want them to do another. We confuse them. Some kids wish their parents would set sexual limits. ”Intercourse is a lot to handle at an early age. Wait until you`re out of high school.” My daughter Randy might have appreciated that.
My son Larry says he would have found such advice condescending. He preferred discussions focusing on sexual facts and responsibility. Had I set up any hard and fast rules regarding his sexual behavior he might not have come to me with his questions. There are no easy answers. So much depends on family values, emotional maturity and life experiences.
Many girls tell me that they rarely enjoy early intercourse. They do it to please their boyfriends. Well, it`s nice to do things for someone you care about, but intercourse shouldn`t be one of them. I don`t believe in a double standard, but I do think we can encourage kids to enjoy their sexuality without early intercourse.
I know kids of both sexes who go off to college feeling like failures because they are still virgins. They get there and are so anxious to get it out of the way that they have intercourse with the first person who comes along and it is usually a disappointing experience.
A high school girl I know, Shelley, sleeps with everyone. She uses sex to prove that she is lovable and worthy. A young woman, Pat, wrote that she had been taught it was wrong to respond sexually. She held back for so long that it is now difficult for her to relax and enjoy making love with her husband. She says, ”I hope I will be lucky enough to unlearn those automatic stop signs that were unnaturally placed in my mind, but many my age have already passed that moldable stage.” She is 21 and has been married for two years.
We all want our kids to grow up with healthy attitudes toward making love. We don`t want them to use sex to prove they are worthy, like Shelley. We want them to be able to learn to say no as easily as okay and to feel good about their decision, without becoming so anxious that they can`t respond sexually at all, like Pat. We also have to make them aware of sexually transmitted diseases. Most of all we want them to learn to be responsible about sex.
Kids: Never do anything you don`t want to do. Never let anyone pressure you into behavior or actions you`re not ready for, anything that doesn`t feel right for you, whether it`s sexual or not.
Dear Judy: I am a 14-year-old girl who likes to be in style and if a special style comes out I have to be in it. In my area there are a lot of fine guys and I know almost all of them. A lot of the guys like me `cause of my body but most like me for my personality.
I like to go to jams and parties and get high with them. I hang out a lot. My mom doesn`t let me hang out late; so in order to be with a guy around here it has to be on a weekend. Sometimes I cut out of school. I know it`s not right, but I like to feel loved by a guy. I like to be squeezed, hugged and kissed by a guy, and the only way to be with a guy like that is to cut out of school.
In the summer I used to leave my job at lunchtime to be with this guy named Sean. He is so fine! All the girls are after him. Half of the girls in this area have made it with him. The guys around here always have more than one girl. I`m still a virgin. Most of my friends aren`t. I do often think of having sex, but I really don`t want to have it `cause I don`t want to wind up with a bad reputation like some of my friends. A lot of guys tried to get me to have sex with them but I stop them.
–Tiffany, age 14
I wrote the book ”Forever . . . ,” the story of Katherine and Michael, seniors in high school, when Randy was 14. She asked if I could write about two nice kids who fall in love, do it, and nothing terrible happens to them. Randy had read a number of books that year that linked sex with punishment. If a girl succumbed she would wind up with a grisly abortion, abandonment and a life ruined. I think Randy was bothered by the message of those books in which boys never had any feelings and were only interested in using girls. And neither boys nor girls ever felt responsible for their actions.
In ”Forever . . . ,” Katherine`s mother says, ”Sex is a commitment . . . once you`re there you can`t go back to holding hands.” I can remember my father saying to me, ”I hope you`ll wait until you`re 25 or married . . . whichever comes first.” Today I don`t know anyone of 25 who would admit to being a virgin. Since I was married at 22 I never had to make that decision.
But kids today do have to make decisions about their sexuality and too many of them still lack the information they need to decide intelligently. The highest incidence of unwanted pregnancy in this country occurs from the ages of 14 to 17. Kids don`t have a clear understanding of what teenage pregnancy and parenthood really means, economically or emotionally. Some girls say they did not even know they would become pregnant the first time they had intercourse.
A 16-year-old, Robin, told me she would not think of being the one to get or to use birth control devices or products because then it would look as if she`d planned to have intercourse. She had to believe that she gave in only because her boyfriend insisted. Another girl, Lisa, uses abortion as her method of birth control. She has already had two abortions and she is just 18. These kids are not thinking responsibly about sex, and adults are not talking with them about the issues early enough.
Dear Judy: It`s about midnight here and I just finished reading your book ”Forever . . . ” I was involved like Michael, in the book. She and I were together for six months and we were engaged and then something happened and she fell out of love with me. I tried to kill myself but at the last minute I made myself throw up the pills I had taken.
Then I heard about your book. It really helped me see that the six months with her were the best six months of my life. I no longer feel like killing myself because I realize that no one can take my memories away from me. You made me see how much there is to live for.
–Daniel, age 19
Dear Judy: I have a friend, Andrea. When she was 14 she got pregnant. Her parents kicked her out. She got an apartment with her boyfriend. When he found out she was pregnant he left her. Now she`s 15, due any day and living by herself. Do you have any idea on how I could help her? And please, would you hurry? Thank you.
–Jessica, age 15
A 16-year-old girl, Melissa, wrote to say that her friend was pregnant and had decided to have the baby. Melissa, who is unhappy at home, thought her friend, Jill, was really lucky to be marrying her boyfriend, who has a job, a truck, an apartment and dental insurance. Melissa wished that it would happen to her, too.
In her next letter, Melissa wrote to say that Jill had married her boyfriend and now she and Jill weren`t as close as they used to be. ”We can`t be. Her hubby won`t let her do anything. She can`t go to the mall with me unless he comes, too. She can`t come over to my house. I already see her messing up just by putting up with that. She can`t breathe without him. Even when he`s working he won`t let her spend any time with me.”
Jill`s baby isn`t due for several months, but Melissa already sees that the romantic married life she imagined is far from realistic.
Kids: Both boys and girls should be responsible for preventing unwanted pregnancies. If you`re worried about spontaneity, about romance, about just letting whatever happens, happen–then you`re not mature enough to handle intercourse. It`s up to you to take control. It`s your body. It`s your life.
In ”Forever . . . ” Katherine`s mother gives her an article from The New York Times that asks the following questions:
1. Is sexual intercourse necessary for the relationship?
2. What should you expect from sexual intercourse?
3. If you should need help, where will you seek it?
4. Have you thought about how this relationship will end?
If you do decide to have intercourse, use birth control. Go to a doctor or a family-planning clinic before you do it. It only takes one time to get pregnant or to make someone pregnant. And ask yourself if you`re ready emotionally, too. How will you feel if it doesn`t last? How will you feel if the next day you see him or her with someone else? Will it still have been worth it? Will you have regrets?
It`s wonderful to be in love, to discover sexual attraction, but that doesn`t mean you can`t think anymore. There is no one right answer for everyone, but feeling pressured, feeling that you have to do it because everyone else does, or that you will lose him or her if you don`t–that`s not the way to start out your life of sexual responsibility.
Letters to Judy Blume can be addressed to her c/o G.P. Putnam`s Sons, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.
