The following interview is with Ursula Dense, spokesperson for ”Woof!
The Last Chicago Bears Book,” by Curly Irons with L.C. Smith, foreword by Pete Rozelle and his dog Wags.
Q–Before we get to the book itself, I must ask, how did you get Rozelle to endorse this book? He is not known to be a great fan of the Bears.
A–We sent him the galleys, and he was kind enough to send them back with some helpful copyreading marks. We`ve reproduced them faithfully in the final text.
Q–I don`t mean to be difficult, but they look a lot like . . .
A–We thought so, too. That`s why the mention of Wags.
Q–The market is already flooded with Bear biographies and Bear anthologies and Bear histories and even Bear cookbooks. Where does this book fit in?
A–It is actually all of them and quite a bit more. It has the usual confessions and backbiting and pretentiousness that are required by the genre, but we have added some features that elevate it, we think, into a new art form.
Q–For instance?
A–Well, we devote one entire chapter to reproducing the actual measurements of William Perry. If you can follow simple instructions, cut and paste properly and have access to an air hose, you can inflate Perry into your own life-size Refrigerator. You have to supply your own light bulb, of course. Q–Air hose?
A–One of our researchers tried blowing it up himself. He`ll be able to receive visitors next week.
Q–I`m afraid I am not familiar with the author, Curly Irons. Is he a real Bear?
A–For a minute there I thought you were going to ask if he was a real writer. I would have had to lie.
Q–About him being a Bear?
A–Oh, no. He`s a Bear all right, but not just one. He`s sort of a composite of all the Bears who do not have their own books out.
Q–How many is that?
A–We`re not sure. But we do feel Curly is still outnumbered.
Q–There is quite an extensive section on Bear fantasies, I understand.
A–We expect to get a lot of reaction from this. Wait until you find out which Bear`s secret desire is to keep bees.
Q–That doesn`t sound so weird.
A–Bees are just an excuse. He really wants to keep them so he can furnish their little apartments.
Q–Ah. And some of the things said about Mike Ditka are quite extraordinary.
A–Yes. Mike is pretty well pegged as an enlightened visionary, an inspired motivator and a budding clothes horse.
Q–Harsh words?
A–The honest opinion of someone afraid of losing his job.
Q–Isn`t it rather unusual to have a sports book give so much attention to home repair?
A–That was a last-minute mix-up. The publisher was crying for the book so it could be on the street for the home opener, and we were still 50 pages short. So we just kind of threw in another project we were working on called
`Celebrity Sawhorse,` changed a couple names to Walter Payton and Willie Gault and nobody noticed.
Q–It is well disguised.
A–We aren`t proud of that, but we think we still have a unique and worthwhile book. Besides, if it has Bears on the cover, it doesn`t matter what`s inside. It`ll sell.
Q–I must admit that this book does seem quite a bit different from all the other books on the Bears.
A–That`s why we call it `The Last Chicago Bears Book.` We can`t imagine anyone trying to top this. We are particularly proud that, in addition to everything else, this book is much bigger than all the others. It comes with its own handle. And, of course, some parts are edible.
Q–I noticed it had a recipe on the fly leaf for itself.
A–That is a feature we added for fans who can`t get close enough to the Bears. We don`t recommend either reading or eating it at one sitting.
