The media have been filled recently with stories about the ”terrible plight” of American women, caught in the trap of wanting to get married but unable to find men to marry them. Newsweek magazine kindly reports that if a woman has reached the age of 30 without having married, the probability of her ever doing so is 20 percent; by age 35, it has dropped to 5 percent, and to a mere 2.6 percent by the antiquated age of 40.
How do single women feel about being ”pitied,” about the raised spectre of being a ”spinster” or ”old maid”–derogatory terms not applied to single men, who are ”bachelors?” Newsweek never asked women whether they wanted to marry; it was assumed if they were single it was not by choice.
But what if you do want to get married? Today, most women don`t talk about finding a man to support them; they talk about finding sommeone to share their lives with. Men choose from a pool of women of all ages; women`s choices are more limited. Do women still have to wait to be chosen by men, and if you aren`t, how do you handle that?
Leslie M. Lane
Age 35, director of sales, Sheraton Plaza Hotel
”I don`t understand what the big deal is all about,” said Lane, who is single. ”People are getting married or not married everywhere. I think it`s unfair to focus on women that way. It`s sensationalism. They`re exaggerating the whole thing.”
Lane, who travels frequently for her job, says, ”I have a real happy life and I don`t want to do anything to jeopardize it. Just because people aren`t married, it doesn`t mean they want to be married. Gloria Steinem said women at 35 have an X percent risk of marriage, rather than chance. I think that`s a fantastic way of putting it.”
The sales executive, who puts in six- and seven-day work weeks, has no problems meeting men. She says the truth is that most women have had the opportunity to marry but realized the person is not for them. ”Many of us have had close calls!”
A major concern is making enough time for other things beside work, said the saleswoman, who had a relationship for six years but decided not to marry. ”I`ve met someone recently who is as busy as I am, and we`re both switching gears to make room to see one another.”
Lane, who says she ”would get married,” adds, ”I don`t want to get married just to get married.” As to the stories about how women are at a disadvantage in the marriage game, she said, ”Leave us alone! Newsweek must have more important things to write about.”
Deborah J. Gubin
Age 37, attorney
”I think some day I`d like to get married,” said Gubin, who also works part-time for the State of Illinois. ”I didn`t start thinking about it much until I was 35.
”It`s obvious that there are fewer men as you get older. It`s depressing, because you work very hard at your career and you would like to have a social life, too. It`s getting to the point that to have a social life, you have to put in as much energy as you do to have a career.”
Gubin says if she doesn`t get married, ”I`m not going to die. But I resent that it`s so much harder for women to have a career and a family. I`ve had to make choices I don`t think men have had to make.”
The attorney believes societal pressures on women to marry will change in another generation, and those who ”never marry will not seem so strange.”
She is fortunate, she says, because her life is filled with ”several charming men whose company I enjoy, an incredible network of women friends, and many interests outside of my work that don`t include men, such as dance class, sailing, theater.”
Gubin stresses that she is not panicked by the negative statistics. ”I`m depressed, but I`m also depressed about the decisions coming out of the Burger-Rehnquist court,” she said.
Nancy Stratton
Age 24, personal shopper, the Fifth Avenue Club, Saks Fifth Avenue
”I`m single and I enjoy it,” she said. ”I don`t feel any pressure about the fact I`m 24 and not married. I think I`ve grown up in a different era from `Father Knows Best.` I don`t think there is an age by which you have to get married today, not at 30 or at 40. The idea of there being such a thing as a `spinster` is silly.”
Stratton says most of her friends are single. ”My contemporaries aren`t being pressured to marry, either,” she said. ”I think it`s a negative outlook, has a negative effect on women to say there are no men out there. It`s true it`s difficult to date and meet people, but that goes for women and men.”
The personal shopper says that ”today women can go very far in their careers, and being married is a job, too. Right now, I`m putting my efforts into pursuing a fashion career.”
She suspects men have a different reaction from women when they read stories about the ”marriage crunch.”
”I`m sure it gives men more of a chuckle than women,” Stratton said.
Leslie Raugstad
Age 30, broadcast production manager, Lou Beres & Associates Inc.
”Stories about the scarcity of men traumatize women,” said Raugstad, who is single and lives with her boyfriend. ”It panicked a lot of women it shouldn`t have panicked. They`re convinced they don`t have a chance of finding a man to spend their lives with and they desperately want one.”
Raugstad, who says she herself ”panicked” at age 24 when her first love ended, now believes that ”women have got to decide, like men, that there are other things in life beside a relationship, that it will happen or it won`t. But life goes on, whether or not you`re married.”
The manager says that now she is established in her career, she feels ready to make a commitment. ”And I found the right guy.” They`ve known each other for four years and only recently moved in together. Within five weeks of living together, he began to talk about marriage.
”We`re going to get married next year, maybe,” said Raugstad. ”I almost feel guilty because my friends don`t have it as good as I do. But I had to work hard at this relationship. Many of my friends, who work hard at their professions, think what`s it all worth if there`s no one to share your life with. They`re lonely.”
She says, ”Society makes you believe you have to have a man. But a lot of men have grown old alone and no one tells them they don`t have a chance for happiness.”
Carol L. Binnie
Age 27, assistant manager, Osco Drugs Inc.
”I`m single and would like to marry by the time I`m 30,” said Binnie.
”I don`t feel time is running out. My time is coming up. I want to share my life with someone and I want to have children.”
It was easier in college to meet people her age. ”Once you get out in the work force, you`re more limited,” she said. ”Usually men don`t want to get married. You don`t bring up the topic because it would scare them. They`re afraid of commitment.”
While single women can go most places without a man, ”it`s still tough,” she said. She feels no pressure, but ”my mother would like to see me happily married off and my married friends tease me about when I`m going to get married.”
Binnie says she doesn`t have a ”blueprint” of whom she plans to marry.
”I do have an idea in mind, though, someone who shares my interests.”
The manager says she believes the statistics are slanted and that
”there`s bound to be somebody out there. There are also a lot of women who don`t want to get married. I`m positive, though. I`ll keep looking.”
Send comments and ideas for future questions to Carol Kleiman, in care of The Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago 60611.
