After only 13 months of marriage–her fourth–Joan Collins is getting divorced.
She should have known.
She should have known because she married a guy about 15 years younger than her. That`s somewhat fashionable these days, which I can`t understand, given the obvious problems of the standard younger man.
As a service to women tempted by this kind of relationship, what follows are reasons for thinking twice about marrying a young American male:
— They think linguistic distinction means referring to beers as
”brewskis.”
— Their idea of a good time on a Friday night is putting down a case of brewskis.
— He`s convinced that the way to impress you is not to take you to a fine restaurant and talk about your relationship, but to take you to the game and tell you about his past sexual conquests during halftime.
— If you ask his opinion of F. Scott Fitzgerald, he`ll say, ”Is he the guy who writes for Sporting News?”
— At the end of the day, he`s more likely to give you a high five than an embrace.
— When impressed with another man, he`s likely to explain why this way:
”The guy drinks Guinness Stout. That`s class.”
— They howl in public when a good-looking woman walks by.
— His idea of a romantic evening at home is turning the lights down, getting comfortable on the bed; then ordering a 36-inch za (pizza) with cheese and mushrooms, turning on the Monday night game and watching it with a brewski balanced on his belly.
— They enjoy driving vans with bumper stickers that say, ”When it`s rockin`, don`t come knockin`.”
— When you ask how they like your new, expensive Kamali dress, they`ll say, ”Totally awesome.”
— His idea of bedroom decor is to put a mirror over the dresser stamped with the words ”Heineken Power.”
— When you come back from a two-week business trip and tell him how happy you are to see him, he`ll say, ”Same here.”
— He`ll insist you call him by his college nickname, which was either
”The Moose” or ”Skeeter.”
— They`re convinced it`s cool to show up at parties wearing a T-shirt that says ”Purebred Hereford Stud.”
— They routinely use the verb ”do up.” As in, ”Let`s do up dinner.”
Or, ”What say we do up a baby this year?”
— When you want to avoid the sun to guard against crow`s feet, he`ll want to do up the beach all day.
— When you want to cook stir-fried vegetables to help stay on your diet, he`ll want to do up a za with extra cheese, Tostitos on the side.
— His idea of dressing up for a formal wedding is enhancing a black tux with a skinny leather tie, high-top Reeboks and a pair of Risky Business shades.
— His most sacred possession is the lamp he made out of a beer keg in college.
— His way of complimenting you in front of your business colleagues is to say, ”I`m glad I married this one; she`s the ultimate party animal.”
— Their idea of getting dressed for a Saturday night out is putting on their white college wrestling T-shirt instead of their gray one.
— Their concept of nice living room decor is a pyramid of St. Pauli Girl cans in the picture window.
— And a Vanna White poster over the fireplace.
— They enjoy showing you the cover of the Sports Illustrated annual bathing suit issue, and saying, ”How about this hot mama?”
— If he likes your father, he`ll describe him as ”What a wild man.”
— His idea of baring his soul is showing you his secret fraternity handshake.
— His concept of catering a party is to put a keg in a trashcan full of ice.
I`m sorry this advice comes too late for Joan Collins. From what I hear, the guy`s lawyer is now hoping to win him a sizable settlement. She`s supposedly gearing for a big legal battle. I think there`s a way to avoid it. If she`s smart, she`ll buy him off with a case of brewskis. —
