Inevitably upon return from a vacation the questions come up: Where did you go? What did you do? Did you have a good time?
Being a professional eater complicates what for others must be a fairly simple response. Precisely how does one take a vacation from eating? I.V. tubes? No thanks!
What follows are the answers to the questions above as well as to a number of the other questions people should never ask a restaurant critic:
What did I do during my recent vacation from this column?
I ate like crazy in Mexico, Chicago and Michigan–and had a terrific time doing so, thank you.
How do you keep your weight down?
I don`t. Since I`ve been on this job I`ve gained 30 pounds. It is only because the Lord made me tall enough to carry a little extra weight and also created tailors who work miracles that I hide some of the extra poundage. My doctor chides me. My friends chide me. I chide myself. I even exercise to try to keep some pounds off. It doesn`t work.
You look great. Haven`t you lost some weight?
No. Never. Don`t ask. It`s depressing.
How often do you eat out?
Except in the summer when I spend my weekends in Michigan, I eat out every night of the week. I often make review visits at lunch and occasionally –when I can`t avoid it–at breakfast.
How many meals have you eaten in the line of duty?
More than 2,000.
Have you ever gotten food poisoning?
Yes. Imagine how happy I was when I went back to the place for the second visit that all Tribune reviews require.
What`s the best restaurant in Chicago?
That`s like asking what`s the best sunset. Who`s to say I`ve seen the best one yet? The real question is, the best restaurant for what?
If, for example, someone asks me to name the best French restaurant I usually name three: The Everest Room, Le Francais and Les Nomades, although not necessarily in that order. All are at the top of their class. Each is distinctly different in style. The Everest Room is at the cutting edge of light, modern French cuisine, Le Francais at the traditional end of the spectrum and Les Nomades somewhere in between. Of the three, only Le Francais is freely open to the public, although it often requires a reservation well in advance. Les Nomades and The Everest Room are private dining clubs. There is no one best.
What about Carlos?
Good restaurant, one of many contenders for top honors among the area`s many French restaurants, but not the best–for me. I find it a bit too crowded, too noisy and just a tad too uptight. Other top contenders include:
La Tour, The Dining Room at the Ritz Carlton, Ambria, Jimmy`s Place, Les Plumes (rising fast), Tallgrass in Lockport, Le Titi de Paris in Palatine and Le Vichyssois in McHenry County.
What`s the most romantic restaurant in Chicago?
Who says eating out frequently and some knowledge of food makes restaurant critics experts on romance? Yet this is the most frequent query I get. Maybe the idea got its start from New York magazine critic Gael Greene, who writes sensually about both food and sex–so sensually that it`s sometimes difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins. In any case, people are asking for trouble when they ask restaurant critics for advice on romance
–just ask my two former wives.
Nevertheless, despite my disclaimers one woman persists in phoning once each fall to ask where she should take a gentleman she fancies to seduce him. She`s quite blunt about it. ”To seduce him,” she says. I`ve never met the woman nor gotten up the nerve to ask her if she`s seducing the same man each year. I do search my brain for an appropriate response.
Toulouse nearly always finds its way onto my list of romantic places. Its low lighting and David Green`s renditions of torch songs from the `30s and
`40s (Wednesdays through Saturdays) recommend the place more than the food. Those for whom power is the ultimate aphrodisiac can find romance at places like Cricket`s, a favorite meeting place among the rich and powerful. The panoramic views from The 95th also can evoke a sense of power if the tourists don`t drive you to distraction first. Spiaggia also conveys a sensual sense of power, if only because you have to have attained a certain status to afford the hefty prices for the simple–and often exquisite–creations of chef Tony Mantuano. Cafe Provencal, Alouette and Carlos–all French, all suburban and all excellent–seem to fan the fires of romance for many as well. The intimate booths at Winnetka Grill or the private dining room at Cafe Royal might suit a romantic couple`s purposes perfectly.
But who`s to say any of these places offer more romance than a juicy, flavorful Italian beef at Al`s? See what I mean about restaurant critics`
credentials for romance?
Is it a fun place?
A friend of mine thinks sitting alone for five hours at a stretch, dangling a worm from a line to entice some poor unsuspecting fish to snatch it, is fun. His idea of a fun restaurant is probably Long John Silver`s. Other folks think jumping out of airplanes is fun. They may enjoy eating in airports –who knows? The point is one person`s fun is another`s torture. Don`t ask me. Figure it out for yourself.
Is the restaurant expensive?
Tell me how much money you have.
Anyway, for a quarter you get the answer to this question in the Friday restaurant listings wrapped with a bonus of the day`s news. And that`s cheap! What`s your favorite restaurant?
This question is almost as impossible to answer as what`s the best restaurant in Chicago. Again the real question is: favorite for what? Given that my eating entails dining at some of the fanciest places around town, on my nights ”off” I often end up heading in the opposite direction, seeking simplicity without sacrificing taste.
For that right now I have three favorite Mexican restaurants–La Pasadita 1, 2 and 3, all owned by the same guy and within a half block of one another on Ashland Avenue (1141 N. Ashland Ave., 1140 N. Ashland and 1108 N. Ashland, respectively). Signs in the window claim that these restaurants serve the best tacos in town. Usually such claims turn out to be false, but in this case the soft tacos–which bear no resemblence to those at Taco Bell–lend credibility to the claim with authentic flavor.
The food at Fontera Grill also melds authenticity and quality. It would be my current favorite if it weren`t for the long waits for a table.
The simple preparations packed with flavor plus the funky atmosphere at the Star Top Cafe make it one of my favorites, especially when looking for a bite to eat late in the evening. Chardonnay also wins praise for crisp, clean flavors and a great wine list. For Southern and Cajun dishes the Gulfport Diner and Maple Tree Inn top my list. I like the Casbah, On the Tao, Arun, Mekong House, Helmand, Mama Desta`s Red Sea Restaurant, It`s Greek To Me, Sayat Nova and many other places for inexpensive ethnic meals.
What`s your favorite pizza?
In Chicago that means deep-dish pizza. To which I say bah, humbug. Notwithstanding my fondness and respect for Ike Sewell, progenitor of the Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, there is no such thing as a great deep-dish pizza. Pizzeria Uno (where it all began), Gino`s (which gets all the publicity), Bacino`s, Edwardo`s, Giordano`s and Aurelio`s all make a decent Chicago-style pizza. A better question is:
What`s your favorite real pizza?
For a great pizza on a wafer-thin crust, get in line at Trattoria Pizzeria Roma or its new sister restaurant, L`Angolo Di Roma, but take your ear plugs. The wait for a table is long and the noise level at both places borders on unbearable. Far less noisy Cafe Spiaggia, the more casual and less expensive sibling of Spiaggia, also serves excellent thin-crust pizza with a variety of tempting and often creative toppings. Finally, Orvieto`s, 21 E. Pearson St., tries far too hard to be a trendy trattoria and fails by producing too many dishes of uneven quality, but somebody there does know how to make consistently good pizza.
Where`s the best pasta?
The best pasta is in one of the area`s excellent Thai or Vietnamese restaurants such as Arun, the original Thai Room, Pattaya, Mekong House, Song Huong, Pasteur.
What about the best Italian pasta?
Once again, Trattoria Pizzeria Roma and L`Angolo Di Roma rank high, along with New Rosebud Cafe (which also suffers from the problem of lengthy waits), Nancy`s in Oak Lawn, La Campanina and Via Veneto.
My parents are visiting. Where should I take them for dinner?
Cook for them yourself; chances are they did for you for all of those years. You ought to be ashamed.
Actually I like this question because I always think of the places I take my parents when they visit. I`ve come to one conclusion about this: Don`t take them to a restaurant you think is great. They will think it`s too expensive, too fancy and that the portions are too small. Instead go to a humble ethnic place like the Busy Bee or Tulpe, where they`ll get enough food to feed an army at nearly Great Depression prices. They`ll enjoy it more, and after they leave you can go to the place of your choice on what you save.
Is McCann for real?
Is bearnaise a sauce? Of course, McCann is real. For real is another matter.
