Simon says:
There are only two kinds of people in this world: those who pull the bandage off slowly and those who yank it off all at once.
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I`ll bet 99 percent of all the Ping-Pong tables in America are piled beneath boxes in the basement.
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As a kid, did you ever say: ”Mind your own beeswax”? What on earth did that mean?
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Yet another device I don`t know how we lived without before now:
inflatable sweater hangers.
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Is there anyone who does not yet realize we are at war in the Persian Gulf?
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I no longer recognize the names of most breakfast cereals.
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”Frank`s Place” is well on its way to becoming an extraordinary television event.
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The sign of a true snob is anyone who pretends to like port.
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Bank commercials are getting odder and odder. Why don`t they just say:
”We lock your money up instead of spending it on women?”
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People who wear mirrored sunglasses have no idea what they look like.
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I don`t know anyone who sails who isn`t a fanatic about it.
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Driving in America`s major cities is really not that difficult. All you have to do is close your eyes and step on the gas.
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I have always liked college football better than pro football. It`s more exciting and the players make slightly less.
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Sign seen in a parking lot: ”This car protected by a pit bull with AIDS.”
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If someone could figure out a use for the perforated edges of computer paper, he`d make a fortune.
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I am amazed at the number of people who can`t read a road map.
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Don`t you get a little nervous every time they check your credit card?
Even when you know it`s good?
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Best line of the week from one of the Andrews Sisters: ”If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.”
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I really admire people who can tell one tree from another.
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When is the last time you got the color car you wanted?
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You can tell a lot about a person by whether he takes the book jacket off before reading the book to protect the jacket or leaves it on to protect the book.
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Bob Hoskins is not capable of giving a bad performance.
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When did dry cleaners stop putting tissue paper in with your suit before you got it back?
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My last goal in life is to become a notary public.
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Why do manufacturers of those warm-air hand-driers in washrooms always try to convince you they are better than towels when we all know they aren`t? – – –
Anybody who takes a flash picture in a restaurant should be beaten with sticks.
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Orville Redenbacher could sell me anything.
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You know you`re a kid when you still enjoy washing your car.
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People who pick wild mushrooms are good people to know. But not to eat dinner with.
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Why has the metric system caught on only with drug dealers?
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Avoid driving near any car with diplomatic plates.
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Staying in a hotel in the town you live in is a real turn-on.
