Do men and women understand the same things from the spoken word? Judging by the misinterpretation, misunderstanding and general mystification that can arise from a single simple sentence, there are grave reasons for doubt.
In fact, I would put it even stronger: Do we even speak the same language?
First-and contrary to the general impression-men use it more. From the classroom, where study after study has shown that boys talk roughly three times as much as girls (with the result that they receive most of the teacher`s attention-and thus often a better education) to adult life, men consistently out-talk women. Nor does it take an expert to realize that this constant acceptance of second place erodes self-esteem.
”Like everyone else, I used to believe that women were the talkative sex,” says Dale Spender, a specialist in sociolinguistics who has taken her tape recorder to more dinner parties than you and I have had.
”But when I analyzed the results of over 140 recorded conversations between men and women, the result was quite the opposite,” Spender says.
”Whether we`re talking about social gatherings or business meetings, one element is unvarying: In any conversation with a man, a woman who talks more than a third of the time is seen as talking too much. The point I`m making is that both men and women have very set notions about how much women are allowed to talk. And if women go over this entitlement, then they are seen as rude and aggressive by both men and women,” she says.
Nowhere is Spender`s Law more obvious than on radio or TV talk shows.
As one popular talk-show host was heard saying, ”It`s difficult to find the right kind of woman to participate in this program. Most of them find they can`t stand up to the men and so stay silent. They also find interrupting a bit-er, tricky.”
The reason for this may be that most men see talk as a form of rivalry. Talk is the easiest way for a man to draw attention to himself-women have other methods-so in any competitive situation they pick up that instrument and get down to work.
In a group, this can have a paralyzing effect on the female larynx. Part of the reason, points out Spender, is that many women see their role in any conversation as encouraging men to talk.
Man`s belief in his prior claim to the airwaves is underlined by a major female conversation characteristic: the conviction that conversation should be a reciprocal exchange rather than an attempt to hold the floor.
”For women, talk is co-operative rather than essentially competitive,”
says sociologist Jennifer Coates, author of ”Men, Women and Language.”
”When a woman in a group of women raises a topic, the others will encourage, sympathize or elaborate. The next female speaker may enlarge on some point, add a personal anecdote, or simply make sympathetic interjections. But one thing she won`t do is flatly contradict the previous speaker and abruptly change the subject. But men in a group with women often get bored with what they see as the slow build-up of a topic,” she says.
Their method of avoiding this hazard is by doing what most women hate:
interrupting.
Two California sociologists, Candace West and Donald Zimmerman, found that men interrupt women far more often than they interrupt other men-and more frequently than women interrupt anybody.
When psychologist Pamela Fishman recorded many hours of male-female conversation, she found that topics introduced by men succeeded (that is, developed further) 96 percent of the time, whereas those brought up by women were only 36 percent successful.
The effect constant interruption has on women is that they become silent, says Coates. It isn`t solely that the male view of conversation is that it is a contest (”which means that, once men have made a point, they expect to be attacked-and do the same”) but also as a clash of styles.
”We all think we know what a question is. But with men and women, it triggers different reactions. Men think questions are requests for
information, whereas women think they are part of the way in which a co-operative conversation works-in other words, I feed you a question so that you can have a turn. Women don`t like it if one member of a group isn`t speaking; they always try to draw him or her in.
”Thus, if a woman asks a man a question, she`s trying to keep the conversation going, while the man thinks this is a request for information so he gives her a lecture,” she explains.
In social situations, Coates says, this cross-purpose view of the polite inquiry often can cause a certain amount of bad feelings. ”The woman thinks, `What`s his problem? I don`t want a run-down on company accountancy,` and the man thinks, `Why is she looking so upset? If she didn`t want to know, why did she ask?` ”
Though her upbringing, past and general social conditioning often give the average woman a greater sensitivity than her husband or brother to what the other person is feeling, it is equally true that, in situations where power is concerned, the male cut-and-thrust style is the norm.
Female language, as most women know, is altogether more tentative.
”Would you like to eat now?” we sometimes ask when what we mean is
”Dinner`s ready.” As harmless as this might be at home, carrying the same technique into the office can mean death to a career.
”Male language allows them to have clear goals, stick to decisions, answer directly without fudging and assert themselves,” says Natasha Josefowitz, author of ”Paths to Power.” ”Women say, `I think I can,` where men say, `I can.` And though, theoretically, the woman may be right-who knows if she can carry out a particular task until she is doing it?-what employers go for is confidence.”
Even when it comes to asking for a raise, a man is much more likely to ask for it as something that is his due-and get it-while a woman feels she has to justify herself.
One school of thought suggests these soft words and patball questions hinge entirely on power. Women always have felt the need to propitiate; and, interestingly, similar female speech patterns are found among people in subordinate or lower positions. Conversely, many women executives
subconsciously have cultivated a male style; when they take this home, confusion and conflict can occur.
Jennifer Coates believes female politeness involves other factors as well. ”Partly, it is a recognition that other people may not want to be imposed upon. What it`s doing is giving the other person a chance to get out of an obligation without losing face.”
Partly, too, it is a question of giving what Coates calls ”positive face,” which means reassuring others about their own value.
”If you meet someone, you say `hello` and try to smile, even if you`re in a bad mood-ignoring them casts doubt on their social worth,” Coates explains.
And women are far better at both these aspects of communication than men- as well as more sensitive to the nuances involved. Which is why, says Coates, a woman will feel personally slighted if a man walks past her wearing a frown, whereas another man simply will assume he was preoccupied.
The reason for such discrepancy in interpretation is something that frequently makes male English a completely different tongue from the female version. Most men use language to conceal their feelings and women see it as an arena for self-disclosure.
Thus, when women are in conversation with women, talk tends to be about their own feelings, worries, problems. Men in a group almost never discuss their emotions or anxieties. This lack of skill, and practice, in talking of their own feelings, is, believes Coates, a weakness in male language. ”At work it can make negotiation far more difficult; at home or in personal life all sorts of misunderstandings can involuntarily occur,” she says.
Recent research suggests that the female need to confide and be confided in arises because a woman`s identity is largely confirmed by the way she relates to other people (whereas a man`s depends more on what he does).
Whatever the reason, women undoubtedly find refusing, rejecting, criticizing or dismissing particularly difficult to do. Yet, as Natasha Josefowitz points out, an ability to say ”no” clearly is a basic need for anyone on a career pathway as well as an invaluable asset in private life.
For men, learning to show weaknesses as well as strengths, and listening in a receptive way that allows awareness of the other person`s mood, as well as comprehension of the words involved, can only be beneficial-though possibly a little more difficult.
But, then, learning to speak someone else`s language never is easy.
Anne de Courcy is with the London Evening Standard.
