Remember back when your relationship was coming undone: He would try to kiss you, and you would turn away, wondering, ”God, doesn`t he know it`s over?” Remember when you wanted out so badly that you finally let him know, in an angry explosion that must have been building up for years, how he`d failed you? Perhaps he`d been instigating the break, and when both of you got the courage to leave, you felt blessedly relieved. Possibly the final scene was punctuated with violence, which proved to you that the relationship could never work.
Time passed. Now your ex-husband/live-in lover/long-term boyfriend you were so desperate to be rid of has begun to take on a misty glow that makes him look desirable and attractive again, particularly when compared with the men you`ve been meeting since you split up. If you`ve discovered an irresistible urge to call your ex and see what can be salvaged from your past relationship, realize first that this longing to reach out, to return to the security of an old love, is a very common impulse.
Here`s how Andrea, a 32-year-old photographer, describes the rematch with her ex: ”When I met Derek, I was 24 and still floundering about what I should do with my life. I wanted to be successful, but I was fairly shy and insecure about what I had to offer. Derek, an artist, was 35 and divorced. I fell so deeply and suddenly in love with him that there was no time to think about anything but the wonderful passion we shared. After we married, reality intruded.
”There was very little money; we scraped by on what he earned teaching classes, the occasional sale of one of his paintings, and what I made working in a shop. Things were tight, but we were very close and happy. I was learning a lot from him about composition, texture and form, which I applied to my photography. In a few years, I had assembled a decent portfolio and began working on newspaper and magazine assignments.
”That`s when the marriage began to fray. I resented him-with all his talent-for not having my ambition, and he in turn felt that my ambition was destroying what was otherwise an idyllic relationship. Both of us,
predictably, had affairs-he with a young bohemian woman, I with a well-off older man. Our marriage ended, and it ended bitterly.
”Over the next few years, my romantic life wasn`t making headlines, but my career was going well. Then, when I was on assignment in South America, I was hit over the head and robbed of all my documents, money, equipment, everything. At the American consulate, I was asked if I wanted to call anyone back home. I felt so alone, and all I could think of was Derek, who`d loved me so much, even when I was `without portfolio.` Sure enough, he immediately offered to pick me up in New York City when my plane landed.
”It was a perfect reunion, filled with kisses, remorse and promises. We knew that we`d get it right this time, since we`d both grown up and could accept each other as we were. Of course, much as both of us wanted it to work, it didn`t. Our basic differences were too extreme and irreconcilable. Within three months we parted again, but this time there was little bitterness or the feeling that things had been left unresolved. While it wasn`t a successful reconciliation, I believe it helped me put my marriage to rest-to finally tie up my relationship with Derek-and get on with my life.”
Andrea was perhaps fortunate to have had the opportunity to replay scenes from her marriage until it became clear that the relationship had eroded. When a broken romance is left unresolved, too often people are left asking themselves (sometimes for years) why they couldn`t make it work when they loved each other so much. They probably know the answers but aren`t yet willing or prepared to accept them. By the time a couple decides to split, the two usually have come to the realization, with at least some conviction, that staying together would be less satisfying than being apart.
Sometimes, in an effort to evade responsibility for the end of a love affair or to convince themselves that their differences are not
irreconcilable, one or both parties might say, ”I`m stunned. I just don`t know what happened. We just broke up.” But people don`t just break up any more than they just get married. There are always reasons, and when those reasons are recognized, the explanation that it just happened will be a refrain heard in subsequent relationships.
According to Jonathan Gould, a Philadelphia psychologist and marriage counselor, in the vast majority of breakups and divorces-regardless of who initiates the break-both parties vacillate between feelings of relief and longing. He cites one patient, a successful businessman, who came into his office gloating, ”I finally got rid of the wife. What luck! She found someone else, so I won`t have to pay any alimony and only minimal child support!”
Nevertheless, reports Gould, this man is often tormented by the fact that his wife has found happiness in the arms of another man.
But torment and longing aren`t grounds for reconciliation, though many couples do see the fact that they miss each other as reason enough to reunite. That was the case for Stacy, who, at 27, says she went back to the husband she left because, ”It was the holiday season, and I was lonely and miserable.”
But, she adds, ”I would never have gone back to Freddy if there`d been someone else in my life.”
Stacy was married fresh out of college to the scion of a manufacturing family whom her mother and friends had dubbed the Prince. To occupy her time after the wedding, Stacy joined tennis clubs and charity boards, took cooking classes, and shopped. Within two years, she was bored and blamed her husband for her ennui.
She wanted a more exciting life-without Freddy. He was shocked when she told him she wanted a divorce. He pleaded with her, explaining that he was just getting comfortable in his career; they could start a family, which would occupy her time. Stacy, however, had already met Tom, a married attorney. She fancied herself in love and believed that once she divorced Freddy, Tom would leave his wife. But he didn`t, and Stacy found herself in a small apartment with a low-paying job at a public relations agency, drifting from one disappointing affair to the next.
”December was always my favorite time,” she says. Being alone around Christmas made me feel almost suicidal. I had given up the sweetest, most wonderful, generous man in the world and a lifetime of security-for what? A series of one-night stands? Budgeting for pantyhose? I would have crawled back to him if he`d ask. But I didn`t have to. When I called, he was reserved, but I could tell that he was pleased. Neither of us wanted to waste any more time: We remarried on New Years Eve.
”By April, I was pregnant, and it seemed everything was perfect. But I was getting even more depressed every day. Freddy recognized that something was very wrong and suggested I see a therapist. By the time Sage was born, I had faced the fact that I didn`t want to be married to Freddy, and that drove me completely crazy. Here I was, with a new baby and a great husband, thinking it was the biggest mistake of my life. My therapist helped me to figure out my feelings, and Freddy and I eventually divorced again. Freddy`s wonderful with Sage and we`ve become loving friends. I`m no longer feeling guilty or plagued with fears of loneliness and poverty.”
A professional therapist can help two people to understand not only why a relationship ended but also why it began-and how not to repeat the negative aspects of this pattern in the future. In therapy, Stacy recognized that her father`s death, when she was 12, left her with a shaky sense of self-esteem and a driving need for emotional and financial security. Freddy provided both. In addition, her family chorusing, ”Don`t let him get away,” reinforced her fear of living without a man. She realized, through therapy, that there were options other than a safe marriage and that, if she decided to try some of them, neither she, her mother, Freddy, nor Sage would die of poverty, guilt, loneliness-or disappointment.
