”What we have here,” the drill sergeant used to say if you marched left when he said right, ”is a lack of communication.” The sergeant might then order 20 push-ups, which would effectively solve any communication problems.
It apparently isn`t that easy in the real world, because we`re always hearing the phrase, often from women: ”He just doesn`t communicate.”
But it seems to me that, in most long-term relationships, there is plenty of communication. It`s just that an outsider wouldn`t understand it. It is what I call communication by obfuscation. That is, partners say one thing but mean another, and each knows exactly what the other is really saying.
For instance, you put a typical couple in a car. At some point, if the man is driving, the woman will say:
”Did you mean to turn there?”
”Great Ezekiel`s Wheel! Why didn`t you tell me to turn before I got there?”
”I thought you knew. It was Borneo Street and you know the McFeeneys live on Borneo. You`ve been there a million times.”
The real meaning
You see what`s going on here? She knew very well that he didn`t know where the hell he was, but instead of blurting, ”Turn here,” in advance, she waited until he missed the intersection, then posed the innocent but damning question: ”Did you mean to turn there?”
She knows that if she had said, ”Turn here,” he would have said,
”Don`t you think I know to turn here? I`ve been to the McFeeneys a million times.”
And he knows that, having goofed, he must counter with, ”Why didn`t you tell me to turn?” knowing full well that if she had, he would have said,
”Don`t you think I know, etc. etc.”
This is not to say there is real hostility here. More often than not this sort of communication by obfuscation involves couples who really get along fine. It is just a rather comfortable, commonplace form of conversation.
Where`s the salt?
For instance, every man alive sits at the dinner table, notices that the salt shaker is absent, and says, ”Do we have any salt?”
Well, he knows they have salt. What he is saying is, ”You forgot to put it on the table.” Right?
This same guy will observe his mate unwrapping a pork roast and say with a suspicious tone, as though he thinks the roast is a time bomb, ”What`s that?”
He knows it`s a pork roast. What he is really saying is, ”That`s a pork roast, and you know it is not one of my favorite dishes but you are making it for supper because the kids like it.”
Salad days
To put the shoe on the other foot, I personally and intimately know a woman who, when preparing dinner, will say, ”Do you want to make the salad?” She`s not asking me if I long to tear up a head of lettuce. She is instructing me to make the salad.
So I open the refrigerator door, stand there looking in and, without putting a hand into the fridge, say: ”Where are the onions?”
Well, all I have to do is open one of the little drawers and the onions will hop out and bite me on the nose. What I am saying is, ”Why didn`t you get the ingredients out of the fridge for me?”
On the other hand, sometimes I know there are no onions because I have already looked. In this case, I say, ”Where are the onions?” but I mean, accusingly, ”You forgot to buy onions, didn`t you?”
Suppose a couple is going out. He will say, as she appears wearing a shawl, ”What`s that you`re wearing?” He knows what it is. What he means is, ”You`d look better in the jacket.”
Seeing red
Conversely, women have been known to cast piercing looks at men and say,
”You`re not going to wear that, are you?” Translated, this is a command:
”Take off that red tie and put on the blue one.”
There are many other interesting communications gambits in the marital game. For instance, this little bit of verbal badminton:
”What do you want for dinner?” ”Anything`s okay.” ”No, really, how about creamed tuna?” ”Sure.” ”Or would you like the leftover spaghetti?” ”That sounds good.” ”We have some Mexican dinners. I could make some rice and . . . .” ”Mexican`s fine by me.” ”Of course, we had that last week. How about a cheeseburger?” ”Oh boy! Cheeseburgers! Let`s have cheeseburgers.”
There is a long silence, then she says: ”Oh, I guess I`ll go ahead and make creamed tuna.”
Or there is this one, which I can personally swear is true:
”What`s the matter?” ”Nothing. Why do you ask?” ”Oh, you just look like you`re mad about something.” ”Me? What in the world for?” ”That`s what I asked you; what`s the matter?” ”Nothing.”
Several uneasy hours later, as he turns out the lights and pulls up the covers, she says sweetly, ”Happy anniversary, dear.” –
