I guess there`s just no stopping the baseball owners from throwing all that new TV money at the players, even though the owners don`t have a penny of it yet.
A big part of their generosity involves contract incentives, those rewards for finishing fifth in the Cy Young voting or being selected as alternate All-Star batboy.
If I were offering incentives, I`d pick some that are really needed. Such as:
For not scratching immediately after stepping on first base after an intentional walk-$50,000.
Or, if the compulsion to scratch is too overwhelming, to use only the number of fingers necessary to do the job, not a double handful-$12,500.
For declining to spit in any direction while in full view of a TV camera, a dental hygienist or a janitor-$75.
But for anyone who chews and agrees to swallow-$30,000.
To the first person who can locate Kirby Puckett`s neck-$8,500.
For curbing Marge Schott`s dog-$10,000.
For curbing Marge Schott-$200,000.
Any White Sox third baseman who doesn`t need a map, a flashlight and a list of alibis to play the position-$100,000.
To anyone who plays in Baltimore-$45,000.
For eating the crabcakes instead of using them to sand down the ball-Another $60,000?
To all parties involved in any meeting on the mound during which secret, written ballots are used-$6 and a framed copy of the U.S. Constitution.
For setting fire to The Famous Chicken-$50,000.
To any Yankee who can remember all of Dave Winfield`s court dates for him-$15,000.
To Kirk Gibson-A free vacuuming.
For the first pitcher being removed from the game who makes the manager go chase the ball if he wants it so much-Luggage.
To anyone who can explain the difference between the White Sox and Fantasy Baseball-$80,000.
For Jose Canseco-$4 million, or more if that`s not enough.
For predicting exactly where Dallas Green`s body will land-$55,000.
To any rookie-phenom-of-the-spring who becomes rookie-of-the-year-A bonus of $100,000.
For not using the bonus money to buy a car without a back seat, a pair of pants made out of livestock or enough gold chains to alarm airport security-$100,000 more.
To any National Leaguer who can keep from laughing when he sees Orel Hershiser with his shirt off-$44,000.
To Goose Gossage, for staying home-$150,000. Please.
For any third-base coach who can give a sign without hurting himself-$350.
For the first player in the middle of an unexpected hitting streak who, instead of explaining he is ”staying within myself,” shows how he gets the cork into the bat-$40,000 and a pardon.
To anyone who can listen to Sparky Anderson without nodding off-$60,000.
For the first person who can explain why anyone coming out of the Cub bullpen shouldn`t be wearing a barbecue apron-$15.45.
To Tommy Lasorda for refusing, if ever asked, to do an underwear ad-His belt size times $400.
To any player who admits knowing Wade Boggs off the field-$25,000 in legal fees.
To Bo Jackson for remembering which uniform to wear in September-$1.98.
Any player who can be identified from his bubble-gum card-$10,000.
To all the players earning $2 million or more a year-An old newsreel of Willie Mays.
For the first one to say ”Thank you”-An extra $200,000.
