JANUARY
1-In college football action, the University of Donald Trump ”Fighting Donald Trumps” win the national championship in the Donald Trump Bowl by purchasing a last-second field goal for a reported $23 million. President-elect George Bush appoints a blue-ribbon White House Horseshoe Pit Site Selection task force.
3-Casualties continue to mount in the War on Drugs as two courageous political leaders are injured while attempting to bulldoze the same crack house from opposite directions. The National Commission on Scares announces that one of this year`s most popular themes will be pesticides. Stocks are active.
7-Japanese Emperor Hirohito dies but is quickly restored to perfect working order, thanks to a clever gadget developed and patented by the Mitsubishi Corp.
8-Michael Dukakis emerges briefly from his secret Mexican hideout to announce that he will not seek re-election as governor of Massachusetts. The savings-and-loan industry announces heavy fourth-quarter bingo losses.
9-The U.S. Congress, in a last-ditch effort to control rampant federal spending, decides to give itself an enormous pay raise. Medical researchers announce that excessive consumption of fiber can make you look like Wilford Brimley.
20-In Washington, the presidential inauguration ceremonies go smoothly except for a moment of confusion when the Vice President-elect, forgetting months of intensive pre-inaugural briefing, attempts to take the oath of office by raising a Bible aloft with his right hand and placing his left hand on Chief Justice William Rehnquist.
22-The San Francisco `49ers defeat the Cincinnati Bengals to win the Super Bowl. This is a severe blow to the savings-and-loan industry, which had bet $275 million on the San Diego Padres.
29-Ted Bundy is executed but immediately files an appeal.
FEBRUARY
10-In a massive ”reverse sting” operation, Washington, D.C., undercover agents sell more than $300,000 worth of crack cocaine to John Tower, whose nomination appears to be in peril.
11-President Bush, in his first major initiative as President, calls for a $350 million War on Trout.
24-As the nationwide Pesticide Scare gains momentum, the Consumer Product Safety Commission votes unanimously to require air bags on nectarines. In Chicago, jurors deliberating in a medical malpractice lawsuit order a pizza and vote to tip the delivery person $19 million.
26-In an unusually upbeat Grammy Awards ceremony, Bobby McFerrin, composer of the hugely popular ”Don`t Worry, Be Happy,” is shot.
MARCH
1-Best-selling author and U.S. House Majority Leader Jim Wright angrily denies that there is anything unethical about his involvement in a business partnership seeking to convert the Lincoln Memorial to a time-sharing condominium.
4-A massive strike paralyzes Eastern Airlines. Service is normal.
5-In a long-awaited move, the federal government orders mandatory drug testing for Dan Rather.
13-Following the lead of Chase Manhattan, major banks lower the prime rate.
14-Following the lead of Chase Manhattan, major banks raise the prime rate.
15-Following the lead of Chase Manhattan, major banks go moo like a cow.
16- In Washington, the ethics crisis deepens as the House Foreign Relations Committee is arrested for ”wilding.” Major banks place their hands on their heads, then have a hearty laugh at their own expense when they realize that Chase Manhattan did not say ”Simon Says.”
17-Warner Communications merges with Canada. Stocks are calm.
24-Michael Jordan becomes the first human being to land on Saturn. He is fouled on the play.
APRIL
1-Two scientists announce that they have figured out how to create a nuclear fusion reaction in a glass of ordinary tap water.
4-In Alaska to frown with concern at the oil spill, the Vice President salutes a penguin.
11-After hearing lengthy and complex court arguments between American and Australian yachtsmen over who should get the prestigious America`s Cup, a federal judge orders everybody to get a real job.
13-In yet another alarming study, the National Association of Science Teachers reports that in 1988, 73 percent of America`s graduating high school seniors had their robes on backward.
17-The unclaimed jackpot in the Illinois lottery reaches $67 million. Lottery vendors report huge lines of unruly savings-and-loan executives.
24-In the War on Drugs, the Broward County, Fla., Sheriff`s Office acknowledges that it is manufacturing crack cocaine for use in ”sting”
operations. This is a true item.
26-”Batman” is released and immediately breaks all existing box-office records.
MAY
1-Amid a massive wave of publicity disguised as news, the Disney Corp. opens its latest theme park, ”A World of Cranky People Waiting in Lines.”
6-A shocking new book reveals that for at least two years of the John F. Kennedy administration, Marilyn Monroe was secretary of state.
8-Suspicions that Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose may be gambling on baseball are aroused when, in a crucial ninth-inning situation, he orders his pitcher blindfolded.
10-True item: In a speech, the Vice President, attempting to recall the motto of the United Negro College Fund, says: ”What a waste it is to lose one`s mind, or not to have a mind.”
13-National Democratic leaders meet in an effort to determine what`s wrong with the party but are forced to adjourn after a bitter dispute over the thermostat setting. In social news, Prince Charles flies to Palm Beach to go bowling.
16-A congressional committee, investigating allegations of possible fraud, learns that the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development is headquartered in Paris.
25-The Japanese government collapses but is immediately replaced by a new one made by Toyota with some really neat features.
31-Somebody wins yet another exciting and memorable running of the Indianapolis 500, an exhibition of driving skill featuring cars sponsored by Budweiser, Miller, Bud Light, Miller Dry, Budweiser Wet, Jim Beam, Marlboro, Miller Flat, Camel and the Medellin Drug Cartel.
JUNE
3-On the ”Today” show, Willard Scott ”accidentally” stabs Bryant Gumbel with a pitchfork.
4-In Iran, religious leader and public-relations expert the Ayatollah Khomeini dies in an accident described by Iranian authorities as ”gerbil-related.” The U.S. Postal Service warns that a number of consumers have had ”unusual” reactions after licking the Jimi Hendrix commemorative stamp. 19-Barry Switzer, fed up with constant harassment over alleged NCAA rules violations, resigns as coach of the University of Oklahoma, deeply saddening his players, some of whom have been with him more than 15 years.
26-In Argentinian elections, the Periodontista party gains power and announces sweeping mandatory-flossing laws.
