JULY
1-Top entertainers, including Wayne Newton, Milton Berle and the late Totie Fields, hold a massive all-star benefit concert to raise money to provide food, hors d`oeuvres and dessert for refugee freedom-fighter minority group Zsa Zsa Gabor, who, after being brutally assaulted in the hand by a police officer`s face, is believed to be hiding out in Beverly Hills disguised as a bus.
3-The Pope appears in public with a Batman logo on his hat.
8-Thousands of refugees stream out of Beirut, fleeing the increasing violence and devastation caused by British soccer fans. Momentum builds among conservative groups to create a monument to Ronald Reagan at Mt. Rushmore by sculpting a 200-foot-tall stone polyp.
13-In golf, the Merrill Lynch Manufacturers Hanover Prudential General Motors IBM Pepsi Domino`s Pizza Charmin Bathroom Tissue Classic is won by some guy in absurd pants.
17-In a dramatic story that fascinates the nation, lawyer Thomas Root, flying his single-engine plane from Washington to South Carolina, lapses into unconsciousness and travels 800 miles on autopilot, trailed by military jets, before plunging into Bahamian waters, where he miraculously escapes from his plane and survives.
18-The Root story takes a bizarre twist when it is revealed that he was shot by his own gun.
21-The B-2 ”Stealth” bomber, which has so far cost $17 billion, is test-flown and proves to be, as advertised, virtually invisible to radar. Unfortunately, it can be easily picked up on regular television.
23-Rich person Malcolm Forbes celebrates his 70th birthday party by urging everyone to help those who are less fortunate. Ha ha! Just kidding, of course. Mr. Forbes celebrates his birthday by hosting an unbelievably lavish $2 million party for all his many rich friends, who fly first class to Morocco and stay in deluxe hotel rooms provided by the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development.
29-The seemingly endless controversy over the JFK assassination erupts anew when researchers announce that computer analysis of a blurred photograph of the shooting scene ”clearly reveals” that one of the men standing on the famous grassy knoll is mystery pilot Thomas Root.
AUGUST
1-In the ongoing ”Today” show crisis, police report that they have no suspects in the bombing of Bryant Gumbel`s car, although a large toupee was found at the scene.
3-Twenty years after Woodstock, reporters return to the site of the greatest rock concert ever held to find a number of fans still waiting in line for the portable toilets.
8-In a major peace initiative, President Bush orders ”call waiting” for the Hot Line. Warner Communications merges with the Medellin Drug Cartel. Stocks are exhausted.
10-A DC-10 commercial airliner, after taking off from the Atlanta airport, arrives in Chicago at the scheduled time. The Federal Aviation Administration vows to investigate.
14-In a decision with far-reaching implications, a federal judge rules that a frozen embryo cannot legally be denied a driver`s license.
16-On the troubled ”Today” show, Jane Pauley and Deborah Norville, each clutching large recently uprooted sectors of the other`s hair, deny that there is any tension between them.
24-Pete Rose is permanently banished from baseball after ordering the Cincinnati Reds to play an entire game wearing restrictive evening gowns. He immediately accepts a high-level position in the savings-and-loan industry.
31-The threat of mistrial looms in the Leona Helmsley trial when, during crucial testimony, the Hotel Queen turns a prosecution witness into a snake.
SEPTEMBER
2-In Washington, ridiculously upbeat news stories herald the birth of yet another doomed cub to Ling-Ling, the Chinese Death Panda. Meeting in emergency session, the UN Security Council votes to send a peacekeeping force to the troubled ”Today” show.
4-In New York, the Leona Helmsley trial comes to a satisfactory conclusion when a little girl throws a bucket of water on the defendant, causing her to dissolve.
5-President Bush, boldly declaring the estimated 374th War on Drugs, holds up an actual piece of crack purchased right near the White House from the Broward County, Fla., sheriff`s office.
6-As Repugnant Celebrity Trial Mania sweeps the nation, a light moment occurs when televangelist megatwinkie Jim Bakker becomes disoriented and arrives at the Beverly Hills courthouse to face charges that he slapped a police officer.
15-The legendary Rolling Stones embark on a nationwide tour with a spectacular show that reaches its electrifying climax when, during ”Honky Tonk Woman,” bass player Bill Wyman, age 53, hurls his teeth to the audience. 16-Cher wins the Miss America Pageant after entering the Swimsuit Competition wearing only a hospital identification bracelet.
25-In yet another historic stride forward for democracy, millions of Polish voters go to the ballot box.
26-Millions of Polish voters return to the ballot box, which this time has a hole cut in the top.
30-After a trial that receives considerably more publicity than the ozone layer, Zsa Zsa Gabor is convicted and, in what is widely viewed as an overly lenient punishment, sentenced to death.
OCTOBER
3-The Ohio National Guard attempts to overthrow Gov. Manuel Noriega, but expected U.S. military aid fails to materialize when top administration foreign-policy strategists forget the Secret Code Number for dialing an outside line.
11-Responding to a Federal Aviation Administration recommendation, the manufacturers of the trouble-plagued DC-10 airliner promise to start using stronger tape. The contras appear on ”Letterman.”
20-Deployment of the deadly plutonium-powered space probe Galileo goes as expected, except that moments after the probe`s on-board Master Computer is activated, it sends back the message that henceforth it wishes to be addressed as ”Rex.”
21-The Federal Aviation Administration bans nudity on flights lasting less than two hours.
26-In what should serve as a harsh warning to those who seek to make money by exploiting the religious faith of others, convicted televangelist Jim Bakker appears before a judge for sentencing, and, as a hushed courtroom looks on, is struck by lightning.”
31-Chinese leaders discover that their secret message contains an 18-minute gap. In Halloween competition, Tammy Faye once again wins the prize for Most Eyelashes.
NOVEMBER
3-The Federal Aviation Administration okays smoking on flights where two or more engines have failed. The much-delayed World Series finally comes to an end when the Oakland A`s defeat the Denver Broncos on Rickey Henderson`s 53-yard field goal.
6-Lech Walesa is elected speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.
14-In Eastern Europe, the Winds of Democracy continue blowing as the Berlin Wall, for 28 years the ultimate symbol of Communist oppression, is purchased by Japanese investors.
16-Violence flares in the Midwest as Illinois attempts to expand its state lottery operation into Indiana. Proceeds will benefit senior citizens.
23-A spokesman for the R.J. Reynolds company announces the development of a revolutionary new cigarette that is smokeless and odorless, and that you don`t even have to light or put in your mouth. ”All you do is buy it regularly,” a company spokesperson explains, ”and eventually you get cancer.”
DECEMBER
4-Despite very rough weather, the historic Saltwater Summit ends on a positive note as the two world leaders agree to set aside their lunch and go malta over the side of the ship.
6-Drug Czar William Bennett unveils the new $27 million General Dynamics Z-3000 Stealth Bulldozer, capable of demolishing a 65-story crack house. Vermont announces the formation of a State Arson Ring, with proceeds to benefit senior citizens. The Food and Drug Administration announces a crackdown on abuses in the fast-growing liposuction-by-mail industry.
11-Officials of the Federal Aviation Administration announce that, strictly as a cost-saving measure, they will do all their future traveling by train.
26-The world weeps with joy as Britain`s royal family agrees to just stay inside and shut up for a couple of years. In Geneva, U.S. arms negotiators begin face-to-face talks with the U.S. Navy.
31-NASA announces that the deadly plutonium-powered space probe ”Rex”
has made an unscheduled U-turn in space and is hurtling back toward the Earth, humming the theme song from ”Lethal Weapon.” Also the oceans are rising and the ozone is thinning and the forests are disappearing and the national debt is growing and everything in your entire refrigerator has been shown to be fatal to laboratory rats and the man standing a heartbeat away from becoming Leader of the Free World seems to have the same basic cerebral-cortex structure as okra. But at least the `80s are OVER, right?
