This is the time of year when networks release to advertisers the lists of pilots that are in development.
A dozen or so of these shows might eventually get on the air, but most won`t. Stars will quit, premises will peter out, production companies will regain a semblance of sanity. But all of these ideas seemed interesting enough to persuade someone to pony up money for scripts or production.
In the meantime there`s ”Beanpole,” from ABC, which focuses on 13-year- old Lillian Pinkerton, ”the tallest kid in school.”
There`s ”Dr. Ruth`s House,” featuring Dr. Ruth Westheimer as a college psychology professor and housemother. ABC has that one, too.
We did not make those up.
But we couldn`t resist adding four pilots of our own to those described below. At the end of the story, we`ll tell you which ones are the phonies.
Before you start snickering, just remember that nothing-nothing-is too stupid for prime-time network television.
ABC
– ”Dad`s a Dog,” a show-within-a-show concept about a divorced actor playing the voice of a dog on a TV sitcom.
– ”Lady`s Man,” about a man working at an all-woman company.
– ”Going Places,” about four young people working on a candid video series.
– ”Hammer, Slammer and Slade” stars Jim Brown, Bernie Casey and Isaac Hayes as over-the-hill crime fighters.
– ”The Danger Team.” Three Claymation characters help a private eye.
– ”The Short Gun.” A cop show about a retired midget detective and his full-sized extended family. With Billy Barty and Robert Blake.
– ”Hit Man.” A filmmaker uses his movie talents to help crime victims.
– ”Tag Team” is about two professional wrestlers who become cops. Starring Rowdy Roddy Piper and Jesse ”The Body” Ventura.
CBS
– ”Bar Girls” is about the professional dilemmas of two female lawyers who sublet half their office space to an escort service.
– ”Broken Badges.” A Cajun cop transfers to Los Angeles and assembles a unit of officers on psychiatric leave.
– ”Sergeant Stinky.” The wacky misadventures of a conniving Salvation Army commander who smells bad but isn`t a bad person, starring Don Rickles.
– ”Liberty Bay” stars Ricky Schroeder as a Navy shore patrol officer who teams up with a grizzled veteran.
Fox
– ”I`m Home” is about a wealthy woman whose daughter drops out of college and announces she`s pregnant by the son of her mother`s maid.
– ”Parker Lewis Can`t Lose.” It`s about the coolest kid in high school. – ”The World According to Straw” is about the maintenance department of a high-powered corporation.
NBC
– ”Ambulance Chasers.” The first TV series created by David Mamet involves a group of shyster lawyers in Chicago. With Dennis Farina, William Petersen and Joe Mantegna.
– ”The Jane Curtin Show” is about a divorced woman in the `90s.
– ”Poochinski.” A Chicago detective is reincarnated as a talking bulldog.
– ”Red Pepper” is about a wooden marionette who manipulates his human TV guests. From Bernie Brillstein.
– ”BoldFace.” A Cro-Magnon man who was accidentally frozen is thawed out and becomes a crusading reporter on a Beltway newspaper. With Ron Perlman. These are the fake pilots: ”The Short Gun,” ”Sergeant Stinky,”
”Ambulance Chasers,” ”BoldFace.”
