I know I speak for all moral folks when I say how very grateful I am to Sheriff Nick ”Nick” Navarro of Broward County, Fla., for having the guts to crack down on this epidemic of dirty words. It has definitely gotten out of hand.
Just recently my family was enjoying a typical South Florida evening, crouching behind the sandbags in our living room, shooting at the crack addicts trying to knock down our door and steal our plumbing, when our 9-year- old son`s Uzi jammed and, to our horror, he said a bad word.
My wife and I were so shocked we could barely pull our triggers.
”This epidemic of dirty words has gone far enough,” we said in unison.
”I just hope some elected official will do something about it!”
So we are very thrilled about Sheriff Nick`s decision to take on 2 Live Crew (who performed Friday night at Chicago`s International Amphitheatre).
You talk about courage. Here is one lone public official, armed with nothing except cars, guns, helicopters, dogs and several hundred personnel, taking on a KNOWN RAP GROUP. Nick did this via a very slick Undercover Crimefighter Operation wherein plainclothes detectives managed to infiltrate a Hollywood club via the shrewd ploy of paying admission. Once inside, they used advanced undercover techniques to detect 2 Live Crew saying dirty words over giant amplified loudspeakers.
When the show ended, Nick managed to apprehend two of the band`s members- a whopping 50 percent-by ordering 12 POLICE CRUISERS to follow them. You cannot be too careful when dealing with a highly dangerous rap-group situation like this where, at any moment, the perpetrators might leap out of their Jaguar and start shouting dirty words.
So my hat is way off to Sheriff Nick. Oh, sure, there are critics. There are those who say, ”Nick, anybody with the intelligence of seaweed can see that all you`re doing is making these guys more and more famous and jacking up their record sales. Why don`t you see if you can locate some actual crime?”
But Nick pays no attention. And for a very good reason: He doesn`t have the intelligence of seaweed.
No! I`m just kidding! Nick is actually well up in the rutabaga range, and the reason he`s going after 2 Live Crew is: SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT. Somebody has to take a stand, even at the very real risk of reaping an enormous amount of personal publicity.
And don`t try to tell me about freedom of speech. When the Founding Fathers gave us freedom of speech, they were DEFINITELY not thinking about the kind of speech that comes from 2 Live Crew, as is shown by the following actual quote from Article XI of the Constitution:
”Don Rickles, OK. A little blue sometimes, but all in good fun. But this new stuff today is GARBAGE.”
And let`s not forget Article XVII of the Bill of Rights:
”Americans have a fundamental right to be free from the fear that other Americans are in a club somewhere listening to people shout dirty words.”
So Sheriff Nick is definitely standing up for our rights, and we should show our support by voting for him and tuning in to his various TV appearances and buying his video, if he comes out with one. Because without men like Sheriff Nick holding the line, our Community Standards are going to fall, and we`re going to be swept over by a tidal wave of filth. We`re going to see disgusting words such as ”booger” RIGHT IN THE NEWSPAPER. Uh-oh, it`s already BOOGER starting to BOOGER happen! Maybe Sheriff BOOGER should arrest this newspaper! The Marketing Department is strongly in favor of this. BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER.
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Dave Barry`s column appears every Sunday in the Chicago Tribune Magazine.
