Sometime down the road-if she wanted to-Ann Crytser, author of ”The Wife-in-Law Trap” (Pocket Books, $17.95), could write a sizzling soap opera. She already has the stuff of which TV-show bibles are composed-the research she did for her book, and her own story as well.
Crytser, 49, now owner of a public relations company in Knoxville, Tenn., was divorced 10 years ago. Her ex-husband married again six months after the first marriage ended. Not long after that, Crytser was at the drive-through window of a bank, depositing her monthly alimony and child-support check. The check had been signed by her ex-husband`s new wife. The bank teller pushed the check up against the bank window and asked over the microphone, ”Is this check from a relative?”
No way, Crytser thought at first, could she be related to the woman who had replaced her in her ex-husband`s affections and her previously luxurious life as the wife of an international banker. But the more she reflected on what she and her ex`s current wife shared-including name, child, in-laws, certain friends and one man`s earnings-the more she realized they were family- connected.
When Crytser-resentful, jealous and depressed-eventually began to share her feelings with other women in the same situation, she found she was not alone. Then a friend helped her realize that a second wife`s marriage carries its own set of complications: fielding the ex-wife`s anger, dealing with stepchildren and the inevitable intrusions of her husband`s first family.
Crytser searched the library and talked to professional therapists to investigate what, if anything, had been written on the ”wife-in-law”
phenomenon. When she found a void in the area, she decided to fill it with a study of the problems involved and, she hoped, some guidelines to help others across this uncharted territory.
In researching ”The Wife-in-Law Trap,” Crytser worked with professional psychologists. A questionnaire was developed for distribution that over a period of three months collected data from 100 women-representing both camps- in 63 cities in 20 states. Those data were supplemented with personal, informal interviews and with information gleaned during focus groups organized by a consulting family therapist.
”And while every woman`s story is unique,” Crytser said on a recent book-tour stop in Chicago, ”the fascinating thing to me was that whether these women were from Knoxville, Tenn., or New York City or Peoria, Ill., the issues were the same-children, money, sexual jealousy or competition, families, in-laws, and friends. And the emotions are the same. Both women (ex- wives and second wives) are feeling resentment and jealousy and bitterness and competition over the same issues, but they each have different agendas.” Greer Fox, a researcher at the University of Tennessee, one of Crytser`s consultants, arrived at a projected number of 14 million wives-in-law in the 25-39 age group in the U.S., so this is not the province of an elite group. And adding the effects of this relationship to others affected-from children to a mighty confused bank teller-the number of people involved in the phenomenon spirals.
In the book, Crytser wrote: ”Most wives-in-law spend a good deal of time trying to make sense of their relationship to each other. No wonder. There are certain specific characteristics that make this already-fraught union even more vexing. The bottom line is that in nearly every case the wife-in-law relationship is unchosen, unwanted, without rules or traditions, volatile, ever-changing and permanent.”
Through the subsequent chapters, she outlines the relationship`s problems and maps strategies that women in these situations have found helpful. Some problems are unsolvable and have to be lived with: It`s unlikely, for example, that money will ever be an easy issue to deal with.
Crytser, who has not remarried and has not met her wife-in-law, is in the 11th year of her divorce. She has reached several turning points in that time, she says. The simple passage of time was one. The other was eventually ”a sense that I no longer desired to be married to my ex-husband.”
Women she talked to while preparing the book seemed to move along toward healing more quickly if they went into counseling. She herself didn`t take that route.
”However, it is so highly recommended by these women, I may treat myself to that. I feel that in doing the book, we did these focus groups and I think that I have probably benefited from the type of encouragement that one would gain from a focus group. They were conducted by Mary Ellen Durham, the family therapist from Dallas, who wrote the foreword to the book. They were absolutely enjoyable. We went from shrieks of laughter to tears in the discussion of the wife-in-law situation.”
During her 15-year marriage, Crytser worked periodically as a teacher. After the divorce, it was necessary for her to put to work the writing skills she had acquired as an English major in college. She was living in Texas at the time, and she began working for a major public relations firm. She returned to Tennessee, her home state, in 1984, and now owns a public relations firm.
Although she has traveled from the negative to the positive in her attitudes, Crytser knows she`s not out of the woods yet. She is rarely in contact with her ex-husband anymore; their son is old enough to make his own visitation arrangements with his father.
”But the women (I`ve interviewed) tell me it`s not over yet,” she said. ”What happens is, as you go through this, everybody sighs, `Huhhh, we made it.` But what happens is something else comes up, such as the birth of grandchildren. Well, I haven`t been through weddings yet. That`s probably going to re-stir a lot of the emotions, because I`ll probably meet my wife-in- law at that time.
”One thing I really did gain in doing my research was an appreciation of the second wife`s position. It`s not all roses, as I (once) thought it was. I thought my wife-in-law had it all and I had nothing. But in fact, they have a lot of intrusion, a lot of that first family that visits. Sometimes the ex-wife is calling all the time. The financial arrangements, I understand, often change halfway through. The ex-wife comes back for more, and there`s just a constant aggravation going on.”
Crytser`s research showed, she said, that generally in a divorce, the first wife`s financial and social position diminishes and the second wife`s are enhanced.
At times, the mutual husband must support two families, but even then Crytser believes the current wife has the advantage: ”She`s in a better position, plus she`s optimistic, she`s in love, she`s not all torn down and beat up, so she`s coming from a psychologically improved position. This is one of the problems-these women need to deal with each other, even if it`s an emotional relationship.”
The ideal of a blended family-where the mutual husband, his current wife, his ex-wife and her current husband socialize as friends-is possible for a small number of people. Perhaps the middle ground of civility is more realistic for most.
”(Civility) requires humor, forbearance and respect for your wife-in-law`s boundaries and her right to her own opinions,” Crytser writes.
”Current or ex-wives who cope with their counterparts civilly don`t hide the fact that this strategy is not without its share of frustration, discomfort and awkwardness. But once they discover that one polite word leads to another, they`re hooked.”
