A major hurdle for people in mourning, according to Rev. Victor Parachin, is getting through the holidays. Parachin, who is a co-minister with his wife at the Christian Church of Villa Park, has been working with the bereaved for a number of years. He facilitates a secular bereavement support group, HOPE, for Brust Funeral Home in Lombard and also offers individual counseling. Parachin is an author whose book, ”Grief Relief-How to Overcome Grief and Live Again,” is to be released in January. For those mourning a loss, he offered advice on coping with the holidays.
Openly discuss traditions. ”You should talk about how you`re going to celebrate that first holiday. It`s going to be a tough one. The bottom line is that the wishes of the person who feels the loss most should prevail. The key is to talk about it.”
Balance solitude with sociability. ”Many people dealing with a loss can`t stand the music in the stores, families shopping for presents. There`s a strong impulse to withdraw. Do some of that if you need to, but get out with people, too. If you can`t stand Christmas shopping, do it by phone, or with a friend. You can`t ignore the season but find ways to participate that are least painful.”
Share your feelings. ”There`s an old proverb, `Feelings shared are feelings diminished.` A support group is ideal. Nobody there will shut you down or pass judgment. They know how you feel.”
Counter the conspiracy of silence. ”Sometimes family and friends won`t talk about the deceased. It becomes the responsibility of the bereaved if they sense that. If you mention your loved one`s name, it frees everyone else to talk about him. While there`s no right or wrong way to celebrate a holiday, the only wrong way is to pretend a person never lived.”
Help others. ”Do something altruistic. It gets you out of yourself. When you reach out, it takes the focus off your pain.”
Attend worship. ”Your religion is an additional support system. It can be comforting to join others in the common acts of prayer and worship.”
Finally, said Parachin, be aware that the anticipation of the holiday is often much worse than the day itself. ”After the holiday is over,” he said, ”it`s surprising how many people tell me that it wasn`t nearly as bad as they thought it would be.”
