In March 10, 1876, when Alexander Graham Bell spoke the first words over the telephone-”Mr. Watson, come here. I want you”-I expect Mr. Watson was thrilled to be the recipient of the phone call that would forever alter the course of human events.
I`m also certain that 10 minutes later someone else called him up and tried to sell him some aluminum siding.
I have the highest regard for Mr. Bell because I know he meant well when he invented the telephone.
He was renowned for his work with deaf children, and much of that work contributed to the theory from which he derived the principle of the telephone and its vibrating membrane.
But Mr. Bell made it clear, in that first sentence, how he intended the telephone to be used: to deliver short, concise directives.
He didn`t call Mr. Watson up to chat, or to try to sell him something, or to ask him what he was watching on television, or who he was going to vote for. He called him up to say: Get over here. I need you.
My mother knew exactly what he had in mind. When I was a kid, Mom would call me up at a friend`s house and say, ”If you`re not home in five minutes, you`ll be sorry.” Leaving a trail of sneaker-rubber behind me, I would muse on the way home why mother never called me up to chat.
And she didn`t change as I grew up. When I was in college, she would call me up and say, ”Stop writing checks on your father`s account or you`ll be sorry.” When I was about to get married, Mom called me up to say, ”If you marry that man, you`ll be sorry.”
Well, Mom is always right, and I`m always sorry.
But she does call to chat now that I`m responsible for getting myself home, overdrawing my own bank account and living with the notion that, for me at least, the best husband is an ex-husband.
However, those formative years of telephone directives and pronouncements left me believing that phone calls should never last more than a minute and a half; they should never be placed when you think someone might be eating, working or sleeping; and they should be used only to transmit life-altering information, such as ”Hello, this is the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes. We are happy to inform you that you have just won $50 million, four vacation retreats in the countries of your choice and the right to occupy the next vacant seat on the Supreme Court. Have a nice day.”
But the ability to dial a few numbers and invade people`s privacy has so much appeal in the information age that endless so-called improvements have been made on the telephone. You can now aggravate your friends in your own home by putting them on hold to answer yet another call; and you can even call someone while he or she is on an airplane. Being completely out of reach was the only thing I ever liked about flying, and it`s extremely difficult to get the flight attendant to say that you`re in a meeting or that you`re gone for the day.
Between men and women, the telephone has been used an an instrument of hope-”I`ll call you”-and heartbreak, when the phone never rings.
And in the business world, the telephone is the instrument of power-tag-secretaries performing no-net maneuvers to make sure the boss is the last one on the line, and deliberately returning calls when the caller is expected to be out.
The answering machine is, without doubt, the most offensive outgrowth of the telephone. On those few occasions when I feel I have life-altering information to pass along, my news cannot be delivered until I suffer through two minutes of pre-recorded bulletins, announcements, directions and cute impersonations. ”Hello. This is Richard Nixon. Please wait 18 minutes for a space on a new tape, then leave your message after Checkers barks. I`ll call you back unless you`re trying to sell me aluminum siding, and I want you to know that neither Pat nor I is a crook. Have a nice day.”
The only good reason I can think of to have an answering machine is so I wouldn`t miss the only other telephone call that, like the sweepstakes, can change my life: ”Hello. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Maria doesn`t like the way I play touch football. Can I come over and watch `The Terminator` with you?”
