Psychological differences between men and women begin soon after birth and women go through distinct phases of feminine development during a lifetime.
Sharon Conarton, director of the Center for Relational Therapy and Research in Denver, said she has identified eight phases of women`s emotional growth.
The phases-bonding, orientation to others, cultural adaptation, awakening and individuation, development of the conscious feminine, empowerment, spiritual development, and integration-are repeated in the same order throughout a lifetime, bringing deeper levels of self-awareness.
Relearning to trust and act on feelings is a key step in feminine development, she said, one that distinguishes women and can empower them.
”Women`s psyches develop differently than men`s,” said Conarton, who has been conducting individual and group therapy for men and women since 1973. ”Men are methodical and hierarchical; women left to their own devices, will use their power for cooperation, consensus and mediation. We take circular approaches, and are denigrated for being manipulative.”
But the ability to exert one`s will gently, without the need for credit or glory, comes from a place of strength, she said. In her view, women are other-oriented, function well in chaos, work for relationships and value feelings; men are self-oriented, seek order and autonomy and value thoughts more than feelings.
These are big differences in how the sexes experience and respond to the world, she said. But for centuries, culture and the psychological theories that follow it have tried to place women in one-type-fits-all, male-oriented theories.
It hasn`t worked, she said. Rather, it has caused a great deal of pain, confusion and counterproductive conformity.
Conarton, 59, spoke at a recent social workers` conference in Chicago. A researcher as well as therapist, she holds a bachelor of science degree in nursing and a master of social work degree, both from the University of Denver.
Current theories of psychological development say infants progress from oneness with the mother to interdependence to independence at about age 3.
”But that doesn`t fit what we see in the real world,” she said.
Males appear to begin the separation process in early infancy, Conarton said. ”But females usually don`t begin the major part of this process until midlife, and the manner in which it occurs is barely perceptible.”
From early on, a mother knows that a boy child is ”the other.” A girl child is perceived as being the same as the mother, which requires that the daughter take on the same feelings as the mother, Conarton said. Over time, the girl child ”is not readily able to discern what she wants for herself from what the mother`s ego wants from her or for her.
”Without establishing a strong sense of her own ego, the girl may transfer her own ego attachment from the mother to her friends, and eventually to her lover, husband or someone else in the world,” Conarton said. ”Even as an adult, a woman may have keen perceptions of everyone else`s feelings, needs and desires, but very little awareness of her own.”
Girls in particular want to please, nurture and be needed, and the world rewards them for it. ”But the child develops an unconscious expectation that she will be loved and cared for in the same manner she cares for others. In fact, she usually does not receive this reward.”
The nurturing she looks for from men is stymied by the natural mother-son relationship, Conarton said. The boy, who`s more removed from his mother`s feelings, experiences his wants and needs and seeks his independence while continuing to expect and get his mother`s nurturing.
That expectation governs his desires as an adult, she said. ”While women are naturally attuned to other people`s needs and are socially conditioned to meet them, men expect to pursue their own goals while being nurtured by women.”
From the time they enter school, girls learn there is another more acceptable reality beyond their own, and they adapt, she said.
Citing a 1984 study, she noted that an 11-year-old girl will hold out for her own point of view, but a 15-year-old will yield. ”Girls learn not to trust their interpretive powers because their own interpretations differ widely from the masculine perspectives presented in textbooks.” Eventually, girls and young women lose sight of their own abilities.
Those who do achieve often try to be ”superwomen,” trying to become
”excellent males and excellent females simultaneously. It`s physically and mentally exhausting.” Such women usually make themselves sick with overwork, but rarely seek therapy, she said. ”They`re too busy.”
Previously, women didn`t seek their own individuality. Now, many women are, but at the cost of great pain for themselves and their loved ones, Conarton said. ”She wants to be there for others, her culture demands it. At the same time, she wants to be there for herself. No matter what action she takes, she`s betraying some internal or external mandate.”
Some women remain ”unconscious” of their individuality throughout life, others come close, but choose not to give up the life they led for decades. Another client finished an advanced degree at 51 and had developed herself along the way. But, knowing she`d have to give up the roles she`d so carefully built, along with her well-appointed house and her comfortable marriage and lifestyle, she chose not to use her degree.
For women, midlife is usually the first chance they get to devote time, deep attention and nurturing to themselves. It`s a time to sort out what`s really important, pursue it and learn, Conarton said. ”For women who have externalized their lives, it may take a long time to know what they want and take action to realize it.”
Taking action is difficult in itself, she said. Men prefer to work undistracted on a single task until it`s finished, but ”women, rarely having had the luxury of uninterrupted time of their own, have learned to work around distractions, which provide frequent opportunities for incubation and reorganization.”
In the higher phases of feminine development, which seem to be reserved for relatively few older women, the goal is to integrate feminine knowing with masculine assertiveness and goal orientation. Thus, women are able to develop power that is ”unique to them and not an imitation of the male model,”
Conarton said.
Part of the process calls for some unraveling, ”disintegration” and rebirth, during which women must let go of an old way of life, she said. If and when they do let go and rely on their instincts ”women gain the ability to go straight to the heart of an issue and return with astonishing wisdom,” she said.
With their newly discovered wisdom and abilities come a new set of goals, she said.
”When they are absorbed in the lives of those closest to them, they do not have the time or energy to devote to larger purposes. Through their evolution, the scope of their caring broadens until it embraces everyone and everything.”
In this final phase, the goal of women is to become healers and teachers, she said, ”to heal the wounds of a world disfigured by man`s lack of awareness of the sacredness of nature.”
These women ”give us the prophecy of the future,” Conarton said. ”They pave the way for the evolution of society as a whole.”
