I am about to do the unthinkable. I am giving away my maternity clothes.
You may be wondering why this benign action is causing me so much dismay. I left out one very important detail. I have only one child and I don`t want any more. By admitting this, I realize I have alienated myself from much of the civilized world.
Already the Guilt Mongers-people with two or more children-have descended upon me like ants on a picnic blanket. ”Charlie,” they say to my 2-year-old son, ”wouldn`t you like a little brother or sister?”-as if a 2-year-old possesses the wisdom to rule the rest of my life.
Talk about peer pressure. Everyone I know who had a baby in 1988 is either pregnant again or already on Child No. 2. As I watch my friends get pregnant, I feel a tinge of envy. But this is raw female emotion, I remind myself, and it usually passes.
I look for reasons to explain my desire for an only child. A shortage of mommy hormones? Ever since my friend Susan was old enough to bake make-believe meatloaf in a play oven she has wanted three children. I wasn`t even sure I wanted one.
Here I feel it necessary to add that my son Charlie has been my greatest joy and love. But this isn`t about my unquestionable love for Charlie. This is about recognizing my strengths and weaknesses, and shaping the best life possible for my husband, my son and myself.
The reasons for not having another child are numerous, and make total sense to me unless I`m trying to explain them to my mother. For starters, I want to return to the workplace and having more children will only complicate that process. I could park Child No. 2 in day care, but somehow I don`t feel right about doing that.
I tell myself I can put my career on hold for another three to five years. I like being a stay-at-home mom some days. Sometimes the mountains of laundry don`t bother me. Sometimes I like reading book after book about two guys named Bert and Ernie. Everyone tells me this is the most important thing I`ll ever do. Fine. I just don`t want to do it again.
The movie ”Parenthood” offers an interesting analogy to all this soul searching. As the family gets ready to attend a school play, the father`s
(played by Steve Martin) world is falling apart. He has just lost his job, his son is in therapy and his wife has just told him she is pregnant with No. 4. His immediate reaction is ”Oh, good, we can screw up another one.”
But Grandma looks at the situation differently, telling a story about how she has always loved the roller coaster but others prefer the predictability of the merry-go-round. Later, as Martin`s toddler breaks loose from the audience and throws the school play up for grabs, his wife, nonplused by the chaos, indicates that she loves the roller coaster. Steve`s problem is that he prefers the merry-go-round.
I have nothing but admiration for parents who eagerly and confidently take their seat on the roller coaster. But that`s not the ride for me. I`ll be the one in line at the merry-go-round. Three tickets, please.
