In ”Going the Distance” (Doubleday), therapist Lonnie Barbach teams with her husband, David Geisinger, also a therapist, to teach other married couples
”the secrets to lifelong love.”
Q: Getting married is fairly easy. Why is staying married so hard?
A: We have less time to spend on it. We tend see everything else in terms of fixed responsibilities: We have to get to work on time, we have to fix dinner, we have to car-pool the kids. We skimp on the relationship. We make love late at night when we`re exhausted and wonder why sex isn`t as good as it used to be. Couples need to maintain an endless courtship.
Q: What does that mean?
A: Spending time together, maintaining an intimate connection, doing the things that made them fall in love in the first place. Every Thursday night David and I have a date. We schedule it in first. I get dressed up and put on makeup, and we go out, just the two of us, to reconnect.
Q: What are the essential ingredients of a successful relationship?
A: When you look at relationships that make it, the people are good friends and treat each other with respect, they have shared values and they trust one another. Trust is the foundation. Without it, you don`t feel safe. If you don`t feel safe, you can`t be vulnerable. If you`re not vulnerable, you can`t be intimate.
Q: What are the danger signs that a marriage is in trouble?
A: Not feeling turned on, not talking, constant sniping, feeling miserly- not with money but with emotions-being angry all the time, not having fun anymore. Some of the more serious signs are depression and not sleeping.
Q: Are there healthy ways to fight?
A: Yes. When your partner is upset, instead of defending yourself and saying, ”I didn`t do that,” look for the grain of truth in what he or she is feeling and validate it. When you`re upset, don`t assume your partner did something intentionally to hurt you. Don`t get furious, get curious. Try to find out what`s going on with him or her.
