Men who commit acts of domestic violence are learning to change their behavior by turning to an unlikely source for help-each other-as they join therapy groups for men who batter.
These groups were started in the mid-1970s by ”pro-feminist” men in Boston and St. Louis who believed they should take an active role in ending male violence against women, said Rich Tolman, Ph.D., assistant professor at the Jane Addams College of Social Work, University of Illinois at Chicago.
Since, the movement has grown to include some 200 such therapy groups in the U.S, he said.
Tolman is a facilitator and therapist for a group of male abusers sponsored by Sarah`s Inn, a nonprofit agency in Oak Park that provides a variety of services for battered women and their children. The groups are conducted at an alternate location.
He has conducted such groups for the last 11 years in Anchorage, Alaska, Minneapolis and the Chicago area.
Tolman said that men batter ”because they can.”
”There is no strong, clear message that men should not dominate their partners,” he said.
Men believe ”it is not good to hit, but that they should control and dominate. When men believe that society won`t condone it (abusive and controlling behavior), they will change immediately.”
Groups for abusive men work, Tolman said, because ”it is easier for men to change now because men are told they must. There is an improved criminal justice response, a focus on women`s rights and support for battered women, as they had no good choices before.”
Tolman also reported in a 1991 study he did with Gauri Bhosley, a graduate student at the Jane Addams College, that ”a majority of men did not use direct physical aggression toward their partners after participation in a program for men who batter” and ”they reduce other abusive behaviors,” such as criticism and controlling finances.
In addition, many women reported ”an increase in ability to share anger and other feelings with their partners, an increase in power and equal division of tasks in their households,” which the authors said proved that the changes made by the men were ”clinically significant.”
”The bottom line of the groups is to promote human rights, that women have inalienable rights and men should respect these,” he said. ”We have an educational format for the group that says, `People`s rights have to be respected.` ”
A man will join a group for batterers after he realizes he`s losing something by his behavior, Tolman said.
”We support men in the group,” he said. ”Men expect us to be against them. What we`re doing is good for their partners, but it is good for them, too.”
Half of the 30 or so men at Sarah`s Inn are ordered by the circuit courts of Cook County to attend the groups; the other half come at the urging of their partners, therapists or as part of after-care in a drug treatment program, Tolman said.
Sarah`s Inn is one of many social service organizations, some of them shelters for battered women, in the metropolitan area that sponsor groups for male abusers.
In Chicago alone, as many as 250 men convicted of domestic battery or assault are ordered by the city`s domestic violence court each year to attend similar groups sponsored by the Cook County Social Service Department.
Men from different walks of life attend the groups, Tolman said.
”It`s an international problem. That is the great democratizer in our groups, and I like it for that reason. You look around the room and see it`s a problem in every culture.”
After the men are screened for alcohol or drug problems and psychotic symptoms, they are sent to a day-long orientation session to talk about being an effective group member as well as other key content areas, including any initial reluctance to join.
”At the workshop we discuss basic philosophy and the cost or benefit of their behavior,” Tolman said. ”They learn a lot and feel better about each other, and there is less of a dropout rate (in the regular sessions) if they attend.”
Each participant attends a minimum of 18 weekly sessions at Sarah`s Inn at which he and his fellow group members will work on changing his violent behavior. During this time he agrees to be nonviolent toward his partner, do a weekly self-evaluation, talk about his most violent incident and discuss it with the group and its leaders and fulfill his assignments, such as keeping a weekly log or journal.
The groups are conducted by two or more therapists, one being a woman. Pauline Geary and Evelyn Montgomery conduct men`s groups at Sarah`s Inn along with Tolman and Alex Maximiac.
”We work together as a team during our educational presentation, then break up into smaller groups,” said Montgomery, who also coordinates the men`s program at Sarah`s Inn. ”The female group leader can give a woman`s viewpoint and speak more directly to what the women are experiencing. We also like to have co-leadership modeled between women and men.”
The therapists help to bring up many important issues during the groups, such as the men`s denial of abuse toward their partners.
Denial of abuse is very characteristic of men who batter, Tolman said, and is the major stumbling block to stopping it.
”Men who batter have a tendency to blame their partners for many things,” he said, such as the woman ”should know how to talk to him.” He won`t link directly what he does to upsetting experiences, Tolman said.
Also, men who batter will deny and minimize the extent of abuse, he said: ”They will say, `I only slapped her,` `She came at me,` `She went through the door by herself,` `She bruises easily.` We have to break through denial.”
In a group setting, there is confrontation by other men and the leaders when men deny their behavior, Tolman said.
”They must admit it to the group and learn that violence is not acceptable and there are consequences that outweigh abusive behavior. If men are really changing, they get some degree of empathy for the victim`s experience. They see the damage done when they look in her eyes, finally.”
Men learn useful ”alternative skills” for dealing with high-risk situations in which they usually would batter, Tolman said. They learn to identify their own ”cues,” such as specific words, physical changes, negative self-talk, mental imagery, emotional reactions or situations that would trigger them to become violent.
For instance, men learn to replace the negative things they think, or
”self-talk,” with more positive statements that reassure them in a crisis situation, he said.
They learn to take a ”time-out” by removing themselves physically from a volatile situation for 45 minutes to go for a walk, do deep breathing or meditation or play some noncompetitive sport.
In the group, men also must discuss in detail their most violent incident with their partners, analyze what happened and have the group suggest alternative responses. The best alternative may be acted out by a group member or the leader, then the man rehearses his new ”role” that he can use at a later time, if need be, Tolman said.
Sexual stereotyping also is examined by the group. In one exercise, men are given a list of words that describe teenage boys who are sexually active compared to a list of words that describe sexually active teenage girls. Comparison of the two lists ”shows the pervasive sexism in our society,”
Tolman said.
While in the group, a key element is the way the men interact with each other. A group leader must focus on men`s responses and watch for
inappropriate support of abusive behavior, which the group leaders call negative male bonding.
”The group will be ineffective unless you are able to get the men to examine a different kind of value system and have them support each other in the new system,” Tolman said.
Most groups have open membership. Men may quit at the end of their prescribed session, stay on to learn more or help new group members. In some cases, former abusers may go on to lead groups of men who batter, or they may man domestic crisis hotlines.
There are several contributing factors to physical and psychological abuse, Tolman said. These include witnessing or experiencing abuse as a child, being an addictive personality type that engages in alcohol or drug abuse and being socialized to be more aggressive and undersocialized to deal with the full range of emotions. Also, men who batter are often very dependent upon their partners to express their feelings for them and to help them get their emotional needs met, he said.
”He`s desperate,” Tolman said. ”When he`s overwhelmed or if she becomes independent, he becomes very controlling.”
If he becomes violent, Tolman said, ”he`s destroying what he hopes for-that love, respect and companionship” with his partner.
Violent abuse causes ”the woman to shut down emotionally,” Tolman said; ”she responds out of fear.
”In the beginning she will meet his needs, walk on eggshells. Then she becomes angry, filled with rage, and the competence of their relationship is destroyed.”
But instead of walking out the door and leaving, the woman often will stay with her partner for a variety of reasons, as explained by Margaret Dahl, Ph.D., who has been teaching at Loyola University School of Social Work for 10 years, specializing in issues and the treatment of women, their psychological development and particular mental health problems.
”The abuse occurs in a caring, domestic relationship, by a person you have loved, have a commitment to, might have children with and very often are financially dependent upon. For women, domestic and family connections define our lives, and we define ourselves by these.
”As women, we experience ourselves in the context of relationships. We are taught to do that; we like to do that. The problem is we don`t learn to take care of ourselves in relationships.”
Dahl said that as women ”we learn to feel bad about ourselves if we cannot live up to often impossible expectations, and to blame ourselves many times if there is abuse.”
Her partner`s physical or psychological abuse reinforces her low self-esteem, Dahl said, ”so that by the time he hits her, she thinks it`s her fault because she didn`t have dinner on the table. She takes responsibility
(for the abuse).”
The battered woman often feels sorry for her spouse and his problems and thus gets drawn into the ”battered woman`s syndrome,” which refers to the cycle of domestic abuse. After a violent episode, the partner or spouse will feel guilty and ashamed and try to make it up to his partner. He tells her he will not hurt her again, and she wants and needs to believe him, Dahl said.
This adaptation will work for a while, until the abuse starts to escalate to a level that even a sympathetic partner cannot withstand. The woman may go to a shelter or leave him permanently and begin divorce proceedings.
”Her not leaving is not the problem,” Dahl said. ”Sooner or later she will leave unless the violence stops. If he doesn`t stop, he will be in another violent relationship with another woman with low self-esteem.”
Dahl said men are put into a conflict state because of their initial total dependence on their mothers and a perceived need to devalue women.
”Sexual stereotypes have victimized the men as much as the women,” said Montgomery. ”It`s not OK for them to be scared, lonely or insecure. Almost all the men in the program have been abused. They think it`s normal. When they were hit as children they were told, `I`m doing this because I love you.` They grow up with mixed messages. We give them permission to feel and teach them how to communicate.”
They need to know that they can love someone without hurting them, she said.
These organizations in the Chicago metropolitan area offer therapy groups for abusive men:
Cook County Domestic Violence Project, 312-341-2883;
Sarah`s Inn, Oak Park, 708-386-4225;
Promises Kept, Evanston, 708-332-2030;
Domestic Violence Program, Old Orchard Hospital, Skokie, 708-679-0760;
Constance Morris Shelter, west suburban, 708-485-5254;
A Safe Place, Waukegan, 708-249-4450;
Men Overcoming Violence, Chicago, 312-327-0093;
Department of Human Services Clearinghouse, City of Chicago, 1-800-654-8595 or 744-5829;
Alternatives to Aggression, Community Crisis Center, Elgin, 708-697-2380; Abusers Hotline, Crisis Center for South Suburbia, Worth/Tinley Park, 708-974-1791.
