Dorothy isn`t the only one who discovered there`s no place like home. Just ask the growing number of adult children who are flocking back to the familial nest.
Although economics is the usual culprit instigating the live-at-home arrangement, social factors play a fairly persuasive role as well: Today`s job market is tough, housing costs are steep and schooling is not only more expensive these days, but it takes longer. Multiply the financial reasons by the social ones-soaring divorce rates, delayed marriages, close family ties-and the increasing ”live-at-home” numbers become easy to grasp. According to the 1990 U.S. Census, one in nine adults from ages 25 to 34 resides in a parent`s home.
While the reasons for doing so vary, the issues confronted in such living arrangements don`t: privacy, money, housework, TV watching, you name it.
Though seldom easy, parents and adult children say that such situations can and do work, but they require compromise and respect from both parties.
For example, one Hyde Park mother, whose 38-year-old son has lived with her on and off in the last few years, never found privacy to be a problem.
”I have plenty of room. He had the back of the house with his own bedroom, bathroom and a separate entrance,” she says. ”Everything has doors, so I could actually close off my little compartment and we could go in and out without the other one knowing we were there. It was very private.”
Nonetheless, the two did encounter what many consider to be the most delicate aspect of privacy: the overnight guest.
”I think a lot of people have problems with sleep-in girlfriends or boyfriends. I didn`t,” she says. ”He had enough respect for me that he didn`t have a revolving door of cuties in and out. I always knew them by the time they spent the night and the only way I`d see them was if I came into the kitchen early and they were there.”
Money matters
Money is another factor to be considered in every at-home living arrangement. To charge or not to charge, that is the question every parent faces.
When Judy Nowak`s 28-year-old son, Todd, lost his job and returned to their Wheeling home last year, financial decisions were put on hold.
”Originally he was only supposed to be here until August-that was six months. We all agreed that it would be OK and that he could live with us rent- free,” says Nowak. ”But by the time August arrived, I said, `Enough is enough.` I mean we still love him because he`s our child, but he really isn`t a child anymore. He`s a man.
”We charge $100 flat, that`s room and board,” she continues. ”He doesn`t eat here every meal. I don`t have to cook for him, not every night. It`s basically a token-just to say you didn`t live off the fat of the land. After high school, my parents charged me $50 to live at home and that was in
`58, so proportionately, this is just a token.”
A month after Barbara Christian and her two teenage children moved into her mother`s Austin home, she organized a payment schedule for the seven adult siblings who lived in the household.
”Generally, those that make the most money pay the most. The ones that don`t have any income, we just carry them. After we contribute to the rent, whatever is left over pays the other bills. If it`s not enough, I generally put more in or I go ask them for it,” says Christian.
Some, like Richard Figura, 34, who moved back into his parents` Downers Grove home while paying off $25,000 in loans, establish less formal payment arrangements. ”I pay as much as I can afford. I`ll slip my mom a hundred dollar bill on a Saturday,” he says.
No charge
Then there are parents like Bill Ritchie of River Forest, who refuse to accept any kind of monetary compensation from their stay-at-home children.
”Even though one of our friends charged his kids room and board as soon as they got their jobs, we opted not to do this. It`s not normal in our family history. I don`t want my kids to feel that they have to pay their way to live at home. A house is something you rent. This is a home, not a house,” says Ritchie.
Some young adults make their household contributions in forms other than money. Anthony Karkazis, 29, lives and works in his parents` Deerfield home. Karkazis, who owns a landscaping business, provides yard and maintenance services for the house.
”Whether it`s cutting the lawn, trimming the hedges, cultivating the beds, pruning the ornamental trees and shrubs-anything pertaining to the whole landscape, I`ll do it,” he says.
But even if parent and child can work out an arrangement they can live with, they still may encounter outside pressures.
”In our society, the normal rules for family in a modern, non-ethnic context is for a separate residence and a much more separate life for adult children and their parents,” notes sociologist Allan Schnaiberg of Northwestern University, co-author of an academic study entitled ”From Empty Nest to Crowded Nest.”
Schnaiberg points out that there are a number of cross-pressures on everyone living with this type of arrangement. ”While there have been many young adults coming home, many of their peers are not coming home. That means for the young adults, they have to deal with issues about self-esteem, about whether they`re making normal progress, about falling behind, about being dependent.”
Figura believes ”the biggest problem of living at home is finding a date. Basically, girls don`t like guys that are living at home. They see a lot of insecurity,” he says.
Laying down the laws
One of the most challenging aspects of the at-home arrangement is setting limitations. Schnaiberg contends that parents and children need to establish a social contract similar to that of a newly married couple.
Some, such as Marta Boley, 36, who returned to her parents` Deerfield home three years ago after being out on her own, found no difficulty in carving out her niche.
Says Boley, ”I see myself as an adult child. They`re my parents, but they treat me as an adult. We give each other equal respect. The adjustments are not because they`re my parents. It`s just because there are three of us living in a small area. If I want to play music, I have to think if my parents want to hear music or not. These kinds of things are everyday considerations. I would do that with roommates.”
Others, like Ritchie, the father of six, haven`t had such an easy time of it.
”If we bring home a case of coke,” says Ritchie, ”my wife and I will drink one or two at most. The rest are consumed by the children. We`re always informed when nothing is left. No toilet paper, no milk, no bread. They`re very informative, but not very helpful. Unless we give them a list with money and say, `Go to the store,` there isn`t much volunteering.”
When it just won`t work
For the most part, Ritchie says, the family has ironed out its differences, but at times the only solution was to send the child packing. Such was the case with his eldest son, Bill.
After three years at home, Ritchie says, ”I couldn`t hack it anymore. When he came home he`d take over the television set, he`d take my chair and he`d watch the programs he wanted to watch. We`d have discussions about fairness with television programming. I`d tell him to watch the TV downstairs, but he didn`t want to watch that set. The picture wasn`t as good; there was always some excuse. I reminded him this is not a dormitory. This is a dictatorship. I bought the TV sets and I get to watch what I want to watch.” Again, Schnaiberg emphasizes the need for compromise. Some of the issues he suggests for negotiation include:
– Are we to be equals or roommates or parent/child?
– Will expenses be shared? All or only some?
– How are household and automobile repairs to be handled?
– Are chores to be shared?
– Is this a very temporary arrangement, until a goal is reached, or is it permanent?
– How much privacy does each of us expect and need?
– What about meals?
”Under the best of circumstances,” says Schnaiberg, ”this is a period in which both parent and child can come to appreciate each other as adults.”
