I don`t know precisely how much is paid to the people who create TV series, but it`s safe to assume they get more than most of us do as we write stories, weld metal, drive cabs, wait tables or work at all the hundreds of other unglamorous tasks that exist beyond Hollywood`s hills.
Given the relatively sad content of the network schedules, it would not be crazy to think that many of us could come up with better ideas than those we see realized on screen. If you don`t think so, take a gander at these four series premiering this weekend:
– Following in the dubious paw prints of ”Alf” and ”Dinosaurs,”
”Scorch” (7 p.m. Friday, CBS-Ch. 2) is about a wisecracking dragon who awakens from a century-long snooze and falls, literally, into the lives of struggling actor Brian Stevens (Jonathan Walker) and his cute 8-year-old daughter Jessica (Rhea Silver-Smith).
But for a wart or two, Scorch himself is quite cute. He`s also very peppy, especially considering he`s 1,300 years old. That astonishes Jessica. But Scorch, his big eyes rolling energetically, as they do throughout this premiere, tells the little girl that in dragon-time he`s barely a teenager.
”I don`t even shave under my wings yet,” Scorch says.
Still, he has been around.
”Shakespeare?” says Jessica. ”Did you know him?”
”We shared an apartment in Avon for eight months,” says Scorch.
Jessica persuades her father to allow the dragon to stay. Brian even carts Scorch to his audition as a weathercaster. There, in contrived sitcom fashion, the station boss hires Brian and his greenish, dragon-like ”dummy.” ”Scorch” grew out of the comedy act created by ventriloquist Ronn Lucas in 1983. But Scorch is, of course, no longer a mere hand puppet. He`s a high- tech marvel with radio-controlled eyes, ears and wings.
Scorch`s gimmick is his ability to breathe fire. But he has a hard time controlling it: Flames shoot from his nose with unpredictable, though so far not at all amusing, results.
Though at one point the phrase ”scum sucking pig” is nastily employed, Scorch has the potential to be pleasantly cynical and engaging. But his human co-stars show no signs of life, which is perhaps why the cast will soon be bulked up by Rose Marie, as a nosy landlady and, presumably, wisecracking foil for the fire-breathing star.
Underwater dud
– ”Fish Police” (7:30 p.m. Friday, CBS) is so awash in fish humor that, after its 30 minutes, I wondered if the writers had not exhausted all the yuks in the sea.
Based on Steve Moncuse`s comic book creatures, ”Fish Police” centers on the crime-busting adventures of Inspector Gil (voice by John Ritter). His underwater world and the characters in it are painted in film noir tones.
His cohorts include his boss, Chief Abalone (Ed Asner); Catfish (Robert Guillaume), a master of disguises; wisecracking secretary Goldie (Georgia Brown); and a frighteningly well-organized aide named Tad (Charlie Schlatter). Gil`s got a couple of gals too: true-blue waitress Pearl (Megan Mullally) and slinky chanteuse Angel (Jo Beth Williams).
Best of all are the hoods: crime boss Calamari (Hector Elizondo), his lawyer, Sharkster (Tim Curry), and their enforcer, Muscles Marinara (Frank Welker). A couple of other potentially interesting characters are the bigoted cab driver Crab (Buddy Hackett) and the city`s mayor, Cod (Jonathan Winters). The animation is snappier and more detailed than in that other recent cartoon debut, ”Capitol Critters.” But, as viewers of ”The Simpsons” are aware, it`s not the penmanship but the satirical wit that gives animated shows their punch.
Some of the lines and visual jokes are clever: A cabaret singer croons
”Flounders in the Night”; a youngster reads Buoy`s Life magazine; a shapely fish is called a ”fin fatale” and a sycophant is called a ”dorsal kisser.”
But there are limp exchanges such as this:
”Is my client going to be charged.”
”Why? Are his batteries low?”
And there are a number of fishy one-liners, such as, ”Yes, my ex-partner is pushing up seaweed,” and, ”It comes straight from the seahorse`s mouth.” Even of out the mouths of carp, duds are still duds.
Dream or nightmare?
– ”Nightmare Cafe” (9 p.m. Friday, NBC-Ch. 5) was eagerly anticipated because it was bringing Wes Craven and his blood-splattered big-screen credentials-”The Last House on the Left” and the ”Nightmare on Elm Street” series-to TV.
”Nightmare Cafe” has no frightening images. It is set in, for lack of a better word, an enchanted cafe where patrons can get a second chance to right past wrongs, get a last wish or get what they deserve in the form of their worst nightmares.
Fay (Lindsay Frost) is the cafe`s waitress, and each week she gives people what the fortunes order with the aid of waiter Frank (Jack Coleman) and Blackie (Robert Englund of Freddy Krueger fame), the cafe`s owner who knows how to manipulate the joint`s powers.
Far closer to fantasy and ”Twilight Zone” than it is to horror, the show has an unwieldy premise, courtesy of Craven`s 26-year-old son, Jonathan, who helped develop the series. Wes is executive producer.
In the premiere, there is a spectacular display of special effects-a swirl of alternative realities every time a door is opened or a TV turned on- and the wiff of wit. The stars, especially the lovely Frost, are engaging, and there`s a decent chemistry between them.
But the second episode is an uninspired jumble, as if Craven and his cronies misplaced the formula and fell back on tired trickery. The third installment therefore could hold the answer to an intriguing question: charm or calamity?
Respect for elders
– They are a couple of neat old coots, Wilford Brimley and Richard Farnsworth. They are good actors, too, though the premiere of ”The Boys of Twilight” (9 p.m. Saturday, CBS) gives them little chance to exhibit more than cantankerousness and a bit of horsemanship.
Set in the small Rocky Mountain town of the title, the crime-solving series has Farnsworth as the town`s sage sheriff and Brimley as his eccentric deputy. They are joined by Louise Fletcher as Farnsworth`s wife, Amanda McBroom as the mayor and Ben Browder as a hunky-dopey new deputy who has some sort of medical condition that causes him to faint at the sound of loud noises, such as gun shots.
I won`t bother you with the particulars of the first case but to say it involves murder, greed and sex, and will strike you as plainly derivative.
Even though the show and the relationships are played for cute, I found something slightly offensive about making the two lawmen seem out of it. They are afraid of computers, for instance, believing ”death rays come out of those things.”
The two stars, and any oldster, deserve a good deal more respect. Perhaps they`ll get it. If so, the show could attract the same audience drawn to such other elderly crime-solving romps as ”Murder, She Wrote.” Since that will depend on the inventiveness of the writing, it`s hard to be hopeful.
