What with the growing movement toward politically correct speech, Mike Jones figures we might as well just throw in the towel and go all the way.
Jones, 44, a county resource agent in New Lisbon, Wis., has seen political correctness-the insistence on speaking in terms designed to offend no person or group-become more and more accepted in our `90s society.
”Let`s just go ahead and change all the song titles,” Jones said. ”The politically correct people are going to get around to changing them eventually, anyway. We ought to just give up and do it now.”
Jones` point is that the great rock `n` roll songs of the `50s, `60s and
`70s were composed during a decidedly politically incorrect age. Were they being released today, they would most likely never get on the radio.
”Let`s just change `em and get it over with,” Jones said.
He would start with ”Happy Together,” the old Turtles hit.
”That would be changed to the politically correct title of `Co-Dependent,` ” Jones said.
Next would be the Rolling Stones` ”Under My Thumb.”
” `Digitally Equal,` ” Jones said.
Next: the Platters` ”My Prayer.”
”The new title would be `My Non-Denominational Moment of Silence to Him/ Her/It/Them,` ” Jones said.
Helen Reddy`s ”I Am Woman” would become ”I Am Gender-Neutral.”
Chic`s disco hit ”Le Freak” would become ”Le Challenged.”
The Four Seasons` ”Walk Like a Man” would become ”Ambulate Like a Non- Gender-Specific Humanoid.”
Cher`s ”Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” would become ”Disadvantaged Groups.”
The Swingin` Medallions` ”Double Shot (Of My Baby`s Love)” would become ”Chemically Dependent.”
Paul Simon`s ”Still Crazy After All These Years” would become
”Mentally Challenged.”
Atlantic Starr`s ”Always” would become ”A Long Time.”
The Rolling Stones` ”Brown Sugar” would become ”Artificial Sweetener.”
Mickey and Sylvia`s ”Love Is Strange” would become ”Affect Disorder Syndrome.”
Elvis Presley`s ”Jailhouse Rock” would become ”Correctional Facility Ambience.”
Gene Pitney`s ”Half Heaven, Half Heartache” would become ”Left Brain-Right Brain Personality Disorder.”
The Marvelettes` ”Beechwood 4-5789” would become ”Call Waiting.”
Randy Newman`s ”Short People” would become ”Vertically Challenged Persons.”
Steppenwolf`s ”Born to Be Wild” would become ”Genetically Impaired.”
Paul Revere and the Raiders` ”Hungry” would become ”Eating Disordered.”
The Rolling Stones` ”(I Can`t Get No) Satisfaction” would become
”Sexually Dysfunctional.”
The Coasters` ”Yakety Yak” would become ”Speech Impaired.”
Stevie Wonder`s ”Superstition” would become ”New Age.”
Marcie Blane`s ”I Want to Be Bobby`s Girl” would become ”I Insist on Being Bobby`s Co-Equal.”
The Crystals` ”He`s a Rebel” would become ”He`s Socially Challenged.” Elvis Presley`s ”Don`t Be Cruel” would become ”Seek Therapy for Abusive Behavior.”
Dion`s ”The Wanderer” would become ”Uncommitted.”
The Shangri-Las` ”Leader of the Pack” would become ”Co-Chairs.”
10cc`s ”I`m Not in Love” would become ”Denial.”
The Steve Miller Band`s ”The Joker” would become ”Humor-Ascendant.”
The Beach Boys` ”Be True to Your School” would become ”Arrested Development.”
The Box Tops` ”The Letter” would become ”Voice Mail.”
The Guess Who`s ”American Woman” would become ”Global Person.”
Carly Simon`s ”You`re So Vain” would become ”Humility Impaired.”
The Zombies` ”She`s Not There” would become ”She Has Manifested Geographic Assertiveness.”
Tina Turner`s ”Typical Male” would remain ”Typical Male.”
The Spencer Davis Group`s ”I`m a Man” would become ”Testosterone Enhanced.”
The Four Tops` ”I Can`t Help Myself” would become ”Failure Addiction.”
The Pointer Sisters` ”He`s So Shy” would become ”Male Non-Assertiveness Disorder.”
Linda Ronstadt`s ”You`re No Good” would become ”You Have Unlimited Potential for Growth and Development.”
