Be careful out there. Life in the `90s is a social mine field.
Issues such as AIDS, surrogate parenting and cosmetic surgery have us stepping slowly and carefully through conversations and party chatter, while etiquette experts stand on the sidelines, trying to offer direction and a little decorum.
”Things are changing so fast and deteriorating so rapidly that we all have to step back and pull ourselves together,” laments etiquette expert Letitia Baldrige, author of ”The Complete Guide to the New Manners of the
`90s” (MacMillan, $24.95).
”There have never been so many problems with men`s and women`s relationships before,” Baldrige said. ”Maybe this is society telling us to turn back to old-fashioned basics.”
These days, you may remember a name but forget the face to a few thousand dollars worth of plastic surgery.
Asking innocent questions of a pregnant woman may reveal that she is carrying the baby for another couple as a surrogate mother.
Candlelight evenings of romance are hit with a searchlight when things get intimate. Whom have you loved before? Did you do drugs? Have you been tested for HIV?
”In order to conduct our lives with confidence and grace in the 1990s,” Baldrige says, ”we must be clear-eyed about the changes that have taken place and arm ourselves with knowledge about how to handle them in today`s terms.” In other words, it takes a quick mind to mind one`s manners.
Plastic surgery
Grace in the face of plastic surgery:
In the world of the well-to-do, a nip and a tuck here and there is about as common as having your car detailed.
The men smile like Cheshire cats, sold on the facial chemical peels that strip decades off their visages. Women wear their dresses cut low to show off their new, uplifted bosoms.
But to the uninitiated, covert cosmetic changes can be terribly confusing-cause for powder-room powwows and barside banter: Did he? Did she?
They don`t have to be, says Richard Engel, who has watched people squirm in wonder at his new, streamlined look, achieved by liposuction on his chin and neck and a chin extension.
” `You look great! Have you lost weight?` ” is what most people say at first,” said Engel, 47, of Newport Beach, Calif.
”I wouldn`t let anyone who asked me about it be embarrassed. If I sense it, I immediately come to their rescue by trying to make my attitude so open, so honest and so clear and at ease that no one could feel weird asking me about it.”
People who have had plastic surgery often are an open, bragging, happy-to-be-alive group who share their bodily ups and downs with humor and pride.
”These people don`t try to hide it,” Engel said. ”One woman came up and stuck her chest in my face and said `What do you think of my redo?` ”
”That is so tasteless,” Baldrige sniffs. ”Makes you realize how tacky we all are becoming.”
Those who notice a change in a friend`s appearance should ”go on and on about it,” Baldrige advises.
”Say `You look absolutely sensational!` and if they say they have had their eyes or something done, say they had a terrific surgeon who did a wonderful job.”
If the streamlined friend doesn`t offer any secrets, don`t say anything either, Baldrige said.
Out of work
Employing social skills with the newly unemployed:
On the day he returned to work after a week of paternity leave, Michael Fontes gave his boss a piece of candy emblazoned with ”It`s a Boy!” across the wrapper. The boss took the candy. Then he fired him.
Talk about bad timing.
After a couple of weeks, Fontes` neighbors noticed that his car wasn`t leaving the driveway every morning.
”Why is Michael home?” some nosy neighbors asked his wife. ”Is he working in the house?”
When one finds that someone is unemployed, Baldrige suggests, turn the conversation toward a brighter subject: ”Do you have people who are helping you cope?”
Surrogate mothers
Surrogate mothers/surrogate babies:
The questions usually started in the check-out line of the grocery store where Joy DuBord shopped during her pregnancy, her young son beside her.
”You know how people are attracted to pregnant women,” said DuBord, 34. ”And you know that children are real honest. When people asked me about my pregnancy, my son would say, `That`s not our baby.` And people would be blown away and want to know the whole story.
”People asked me if I had to have sex with the father,” she said with a laugh.
Going in, surrogate mothers are prepared for the barrage of questions and are advised to keep a good sense of humor, said Christy Montgomery, a former surrogate and director of her own surrogate placement firm, Surrogate Parenting Services.
Once, at a party, Montgomery refused a glass of champagne. Someone asked if she was pregnant.
”Yes,” her husband confirmed to the group. ”But it isn`t mine.”
”Their faces dropped and they didn`t quite know what to say,”
Montgomery said.
More and more, though, society is understanding and accepting the process of surrogate parenting, as many have been touched by the frustration of infertility, Montgomery said.
”People aren`t rude, they are just extremely curious,” she said. ”A lot of them would say, `I wish a surrogate would help my cousin out.` ”
”And those that didn`t care for it, well, didn`t continue the conversation,” Montgomery said. ”I never ran into anyone who openly said anything negative.”
But Montgomery recommends that people who encounter a surrogate mother ask questions so they can learn about surrogacy.
”I`d rather they do that,” she said, ”than look at me and shake their heads and think I`m strange.”
HIV testing
Popping the question about HIV:
Brad Hudson, who works at the AIDS Services Foundation in Laguna Beach, Calif., deals with acquired immune deficiency syndrome every day at work.
”Asking about testing can kill a moment if you`re not sure where the other person is coming from,” Hudson said. ”They could take it a couple of ways because it sounds serious, relationshipwise.
”But it also helps you talk about where your relationship is going.”
Baldrige writes: ”In this confused world of ours, people need to be forthright, frank and honest with each other. The fear of sexually transmitted diseases, particularly AIDS, is not something to treat in a cute or amusing way.”
Women who are too embarrassed to ask their partner about testing or to wear a condom ”should realize that it is far better to suffer such a moment of embarrassment than to contract a sexually transmitted disease.”
Computer messages
The right message, wrong person:
Most modern offices are equipped with electronic computer systems that have the ability to send electronic messages from one employee to another.
But, by human error, some messages reach the wrong person.
Many an office worker has blanched when a snide or personal message comes back to them from the person it was written about.
The resourceful Baldrige has some very simple advice for righting electronic wrongs: Apologize immediately-and in person.
”If you embarrass yourself by making a mistake,” she advises, ”you can contain the mistake by the speed and creativity with which you offer your apology.
”And if someone else is embarrassed because you have been the victim of his or her error, keep your sense of humor and show everyone that you are a good sport.”
A new head of hair
Keep one`s head about hairpieces:
When hair suddenly appears where once there was shiny pate, it is best to quietly accept it, whether it is flattering or not.
Jade Mathess, manager of the Choos Hair System in Santa Ana, Calif., advises clients not to worry about what people may be rude enough to say.
”We tell them that as long as wearing a hairpiece makes them happy, it doesn`t matter what people say about it,” Mathess said. ”People who wear hairpieces have to have the right attitude.
And if they are worried about what people might say, they shouldn`t wear one.
”Or,” Mathess added, ”you can come up with all kinds of excuses, like you had surgery or you have a skin condition.
”But really, not a lot of people have the nerve to say anything.”
