Separated from the Astrodome by an expressway and about 47 Mexican restaurants is a vast theme park known as AstroWorld. It features roller coasters galore and life-sized Warner Brothers cartoon characters, but it can`t hold a candle in intensity to the theme park the Republicans erected in Houston`s indoor arena.
There, delegates, reporters and GOP National Convention hangers-on grazed all week through pastures verdant with party paraphernalia and propaganda, some of it witty, some wacky, some vitriolic.
Self-deprecation was nowhere in sight amid the souvenirs people will take home Friday, and the vitriol was reserved for the opposition. It was all Slick-Willie-this and Heroic-George-that.
”A Republican`s Disneyland,” said Missouri delegate Billie Pinkepank.
”It`s wonderful.”
Virtually all of it was dedicated to making a lion of the Republican elephant, an ass of the Democratic donkey and a pauper of whoever passed through.
Every convention has its share of hawkers, but the vastness of the Astrodome and adjoining Astrohall and Astroarena allowed for the biggest, most concentrated free-market display that even veteran convention-goers could remember.
”Let me see,” said Joy Gerstein, a Missouri delegate attending her first convention. ”I`ve picked up two of the official T-shirts. I have picked up one of the watches with the official logo on it. I`ve picked up a pin with the logo, and a really cute handmade and handpainted woman`s pin-and it`s an elephant.” Imagine that.
The list went on. In all, she said, she spent in the neighborhood of $200 on souvenirs.
Best T-Shirt That Begs the Question: A picture of President Bush and the slogan, ”He still cares!”
Best Stuffed Animals, Aw Shucks Division: Repiglicans, indepenguins and demoquacks.
Best New Board Game You`re Least Likely to Give Up Scrabble For: Roger Ailes` Risky Strategy.
While politicians were the stars here, the sloganized memorabilia offered sound bites for the masses, from the button proclaiming ”Broccoli strengthens the lips” to the T-shirt that said, ”If you like the post office, you`ll love socialized medicine.”
Still another shirt, apolitical but interesting, pointed out that
”stressed” is just ”desserts” spelled backward.
Beyond boosterism, the twin themes of patriotism and paranoia ran deep.
Reflecting the first theme, there were earrings, ties, cookbooks and everything else imaginable adorned with the nation`s colors.
As an example of the second, a conservative group that calls itself Accuracy in Media did a booming business selling T-shirts, buttons and posters saying ”Rather biased” (referring to the CBS anchorman) and ”Stop the liberal/media lynch mob!”
Some 15,000 members of the media were in Houston this week, and they did their part in the shopping spree. One of the best-selling items was a T-shirt that read, ”It`s all my fault. Blame it on the media.”
Another popular shirt listed the top 10 reasons not to vote Democratic. Among them: ”Pledge to `tax `em til they bleed` not sitting too well with middle class.”
Best Bumper Sticker, Clint Eastwood Division: ”A man with a gun is a citizen. A man without a gun is a subject.”
Best-Tasting Treat in Least Appetizing Format: Cow patti fudge.
Best Truism Expressed on a Button: The slogan accompanying a picture of Vice President Dan and author Marilyn Quayle, which read, ”America`s Favorite Second Family.”
There were lots of books and videotapes on famous Republicans, but Paul Wicks, manning the Sam Houston Bookshop booth, said, ”The best-selling Bush book is the one about the dog,” First Canine Millie. ”That`s kind of an irony.”
It was clear in the Astroarena that many Republicans felt quite strongly that Democrats ought to have their heads examined. Meanwhile, according to a doctor at the Bob Dole Prostate Cancer Detection Unit in the hall, about 45 convention-goers during the week took advantage of an opportunity to have, in a curtained-off booth amid all the merchandise, a free rectal exam.
