After listening to Barbara Bush talk about her husband, I asked the blond: ”What would you say about me?”
”What do you mean?” she said.
”Well, Barbara Bush just publicly stated that her husband is, and I quote: `The strongest, the most decent, the most caring, the wisest, yes, and the healthiest man I know.` ”
”I heard her,” said the blond.
”So, those are very nice things for a wife to say about her husband. And I`m just curious about what you`d say about me.”
She thought for a while and said: ”I guess I would say you are reasonably clean.”
After a long silence, I said: ”Is that all?”
Her brow furrowed and she said: ”It takes only one nudge to make you stop snoring.”
Then she brightened and said: ”Oh, I forgot. I`m always surprised at how well you cook when you have to.”
”That`s it? What about my other qualities?”
She said, ”Do you want anything from the kitchen?” and left the room.
I suppose that wasn`t bad: I`m clean, nudge-friendly, and handy in the kitchen.
But her response aroused my curiosity. What do other women say about their husbands? Are they the wisest, the most decent, the most caring, the strongest and the healthiest men they have ever known, as Barbara said of George?
So this morning I took a brief, informal poll of some married women. Here were their comments. (I have omitted their names for the sake of maintaining Family Values.)
– ”He ought to quit smoking.”
– ”He doesn`t beat me. He`s a good provider. He doesn`t drink or gamble. He showers once a day and keeps his toenails clipped. He`s kind of a boring guy, but he`s a good egg with a good heart and he puts up with my crap.”
– ”I haven`t seen him drunk in a month. Another month and it`s an all-time record.”
– ”He`s really cute, but he takes the covers and I hate that. I can`t stand that. And when he`s really crabby, he makes the dog get off the bed.”
– ”There`s this male trait. He says he`s going to do the dishes and you assume that means washing the dishes, maybe drying them and putting them away and cleaning the countertops and stove. But, no, he just washes the dishes and the kitchen still looks awful. But he mixes a great drink.”
– ”What I would say about my husband would depend on whether it was before a national audience or at a tavern. It would also depend on whether he yelled at me. Then I`d say all kinds of mean stuff. But, in general, he`s smart and a hard worker, but he`s got a bad temper.”
– ”He`s a good golfer. I don`t play the game myself, but I assume he must be good because he spends half of his life practicing or playing. If he put in that kind of energy at his work, he wouldn`t have been stuck in the same job all these years.”
– ”I think his finest quality is that he doesn`t waste his mind watching a lot of trash on TV. Actually, he sits down every night and turns the set on, but in 10 minutes he falls asleep and that`s it for the evening. He`s not the most exciting guy in the world but at least he doesn`t hang out in bars. It`s hard to sleep on a bar stool, I guess.”
– ”He`s faithful. I`m sure he has never even looked at another woman. Maybe that`s because when we got married, I told him that if he ever did, I would wait until he was sleeping, then I would slip an ice pick between his ribs. And he dresses well because I buy all of his clothes, or else he`d look like a bum on the street.”
– ”He`s good at yard work.”
– ”Yes, I heard Barbara Bush`s speech. And my husband is the most caring man I know, too. He cares about the Cubs, the Bears, the Bulls, and every other stupid sports show on TV. Even bass fishing. He`s big but I can`t say that he`s the strongest man I know because I`ve never seen him lift anything heavier than a beer can and the channel switcher.”
– ”He is nice to my cat. I don`t think he likes the cat, but he pretends that he does to please me. That shows that he is a decent, caring person. So I wonder why the cat doesn`t like him. Maybe he`s mean to the cat when I`m not around. That`s the thing about marriage. Do you really know someone?”
This made me feel better about being a mere clean, nudge-friendly cook.
And it appears to confirm what I suspected. If you want to hear your wife say you are the strongest, most decent, most caring, wisest and healthiest man she knows, here`s how you do it: Run for president.
And get yourself about 20 points behind in the polls.
