For Maureen Kay, parenthood seems to have always been in a state of siege.
At the playground, school and the grocery store, there are the looks, the unasked and often boldly or rudely delivered questions: ”Those aren`t your real children, are they?” or ”You can`t be their real mom, can you?”
”It`s an ongoing challenge for me and my children,” says Kay, whose children-Brianna, 9; Brittany, 7, and Brandon, 3 1/2-were all adopted as toddlers from Korea. ”I, or they-now that they`re older and are facing these questions from the kids at school-constantly have to explain how some families are just made different.”
It is a role Kay has taken on almost full time as the member spokesperson for Child International, a local chapter of an international support group for U.S. families with children adopted from other countries. Helping to run the organization out of her Northbrook home, Kay aids in coordinating the activities of more than 70 families from the northwest suburbs and Lake County. She also writes a newsletter to keep members informed of group events, adoption issues and, sometimes, leads on prospective adoptive children.
Members of Child International all have children who have come to their adoptive parents in the U.S. from Korea, Hong Kong, Romania, El Salvador . . . the list of foreign countries goes on. And like Kay, most have discovered that the key to coping with the incessant why-is-your-family-different queries is support that they have found through Child
International.
Indeed, adoption experts stress the need for parents who have adopted children from foreign lands to ”join a support group because it gives you the chance to talk to people who have done exactly what you have,” says Deb Harder, program services coordinator for Minneapolis-based Adoptive Families of America, the largest cross-cultural support group in the U.S. with more than 15,000 member families. (Child International and many of the about 20 similar support groups in Illinois also are members of this organization).
”The groups are a tremendous support for the parents and the children,” says Harder. ”They not only help them commonly deal with tough issues they face, but it also helps them work together to support their children`s cultures and help them understand their children`s concerns too. The kids get the chance to meet others who are going through the same thing.”
Kay says the group has been a godsend for her family. ”There`s still the myth that if you didn`t give birth to a child, he or she isn`t really yours,” says Kay. ”Our group helps prepare you for what lies ahead in adopting a child from another culture. We`re all parents who have had people say to us
`Well, I couldn`t take someone else`s child,` or have had to deal with the 20 questions that come the day our children first start school.”
The group also works closely with students from the Korean-American Student Associations at Northwestern University and the University of Chicago who serve as role models for the children adopted from Korea, helping them in cultural-related projects and at school.
Kay and other members, for example, are also involved in a project that would introduce cross-cultural adoption into Illinois classrooms. ”Our goal is to get people to look across the color and cultural boundaries,” says Kay. ”It`s something that is becoming less and less unique.”
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For information on adoption groups, contact:
Adoptive Families Today: Kathie Casey, Box 1726, Barrington, Ill. 60011;
708-382-7607. Chicago Area Families for Adoption: Jane Edmonds, 738 Nordic Court, Batavia, Ill. 60510; 708-879-3125. Child International: Maureen Kay, 4121 Crestwood, Northbrook, Ill. 60062; 708-272-3790. Fox Valley Adoption Support Group: Joanne Green, 1111 Adobe Dr., Aurora, Ill. 60506; 708-892-4290. Stars of David: Susan Katz, 3175 Commercial Ave., Northbrook, Ill. 60062;
708-205-1200.
