Dear Miss Manners-As church committee chairmen, we extend invitations to fund-raising events and important social functions. One deacon is married to the church secretary. How do we make it clear that these invitations are not for a church employee?
Gentle Reader-Let`s see if Miss Manners understands you correctly. You want to make sure that a class distinction, based on the lady`s employment, cancels out the claim she would have, based on the holy bonds of marriage, to accompany her husband.
Is that it? Just exactly what kind of a church do you have there?
Miss Manners prays that she is mistaken-that you are speaking of events that individuals attend, without spouses, because of their positions. In that case you could exclude her by explaining that clerical staff and deacons`
wives have not been included. People generally are invited to such events in couples, so this interpretation seems unlikely. But Miss Manners` religion requires her to try to think well of human nature.
Dear Miss Manners-My sister, 42, with two children, recently married a 50-year-old man with college-age children. On several occasions since her wedding-a civil ceremony with no relatives present, or even knowing-my sister has mentioned to Mother that she should invite Joe`s parents for a dinner party. Mother is in her late 60s and cares for my mentally disabled father. Every time Mother declines, she mentions that she feels guilty, but my sister insists. I suggested that Angie could invite everyone to their home so we could meet the family. Angie doesn`t like this idea; she thinks Mother should give the dinner.
Gentle Reader-Miss Manners hates this question because etiquette is being made to seem the villain. Your sister has made up a rule that she is using to badger her mother, and your mother feels guilty about not going along.
There is no rule that a married couple whose parents have not met must be feted first by the bride`s parents. Even if there were, a lady with good reason not to give dinner parties would be excused. But there is a rule that people old enough to know better should refrain from making life difficult for their elderly parents. If your sister`s object is to get the families together rather than to force her mother to go along with an illegitimate rule of etiquette, Miss Manners suggests that she take your advice and give her own party.
Address your etiquette questions to Miss Manners in care of the Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
