Name: Frona Daskal
Background: Daskal holds degrees from the University of Chicago and Loyola University School of Law. After five years in private practice, she became director of Divorce Mediation Service in 1989 at the Pastoral Counseling Center of Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge. She heads the Mediation Group Ltd., a private mediation service, and the Mediation Council of Illinois, a professional association. Daskal and her husband live in Chicago.
Years as a divorce mediator: 8
The estranged couple who comes to a divorce mediator wants to dissolve a marriage without making the breakup any more painful than it has to be. Both husband and wife have heard stories about the horrors of adversarial divorce; mainly, that it keeps anger going by driving people to place blame. And they want to avoid the emotional fallout.
An adversary, by definition, is ”the enemy” and, in the context of divorce, encourages both parties to exact everything possible without regard for the other`s needs and feelings. Mediation, by definition, asks opposing sides to agree and, in the context of closing a marriage, persuades the couple to let go of the past in order to draft a settlement that is fair to both.
This doesn`t mean that a mediator is a marriage counselor. If I sense that a couple expects me to save their marriage, I advise them to seek the services of someone trained in that field before they commit themselves to use mine.
In one case, outside counseling benefited a young mother in a way she hadn`t expected. While it didn`t revitalize a marriage she wanted to keep, she was better able to face the realities of a divorce mediation and the responsibilities of being single again.
Most of my clients are middle class, well-educated, vary in cultural background and years wed and arrive voluntarily. They have been sent to me by either a lawyer, doctor, therapist, the clergy, or word of mouth. But regardless of profile, elements of distrust and vengeance come into play as soon as they tackle the chief issues of a marital agreement settlement:
division of marital property; support or maintenance of one party or the other, if appropriate; and a parenting agreement when children are involved.
My first task is to create an atmosphere in which agreement can take place by enabling both husband and wife to make decisions based on their legal rights and obligations. Arguments over marital property, for example, grow less heated when the people involved know that laws such as the Illinois Marriage and Dissolution Act govern the division and that a lawyer can advise them of the provisions that best serve their case.
At this point, the difference between being a divorce lawyer and being a divorce mediator become apparent. Even though I`m a lawyer myself, the standards of practice set by mediation groups bar me from giving my mediation clients legal advice or representing them in court. I`m ethically bound to send them to someone else to discuss the laws I cite. Had I a mental health background (as do many of my colleagues) I would also be barred from acting as their therapist during mediation.
Mediation`s beauty is the control it gives a couple over decisions that have to be made in a marital settlement agreement. To substantiate their figures of net worth, for example, they, not I, decide when and if to bring in financial records. They, not I, review, discuss and evaluate pertinent documents. Unlike an arbitrator, I don`t decide the outcome of disputes.
My bailiwick is to guide discussions, assist negotiations and, most important, provide any information that will lead to an evenhanded settlement. Spousal support, under the law, for example, is defined as ”rehabilitative maintenance”; that is, financial help until husband or wife becomes self-supporting or, in some instances, recoups an investment of time or money in the other.
A homemaker of 20 years, under these guidelines, may learn she is entitled to upkeep until she completes whatever is necessary to get back into the workplace. On the other hand, a woman who earns substantially more than her husband because he paid for her education may find that she has to support him for a reasonable time.
Among the younger set, custody and visitation rights are, generally, the major issues. These have become more complex since I signed my own parenting agreement years ago. With an increase in two-income families and more fathers involved with child care, the old standby of weekdays with Mom and weekends with Dad-as in my case-doesn`t work anymore.
Today, schedules of the entire family have to be taken into account so that neither parent feels left out of a child`s upbringing. This means making the most of off hours. Mary, a 2nd-grade teacher, for example, has less flexible hours than her ex-husband, Joe, a private consultant. The arrangement for their preschool children to see more of Joe during the school year and stay mostly with Mary in the summer and over school breaks worked fine for everyone.
Custody and visitation agreements are also drafted with the help of a mediator appointed by the court when parents are unable to cooperate on their own. They are required, in fact, to work out all child-related issues before their divorce hearing by an Illinois statute, in place since 1989. The rationale is that parents are more likely to honor an agreement they made themselves than one made for them.
The differences between a private mediator and one provided by the courts are: The public mediator handles custody and visitation issues only; his or her services in Cook County are free, and they are limited to the times spent with a client. Private mediators, like me, deal with all issues, have no restrictions on the length of a mediation and charge hourly fees.
In terms of money, the reality is that a mediation client pays an attorney and a mediator for each hour of consultation, usually from 6 to 12 hours each. The size of the mediation bill depends on the number of problems the couple has to solve. One pair, for example, spent fewer hours deciding on a parenting agreement than on whether to sell the marital home and how to dispose of assets.
Major factors that determine the attorney`s bill include: the time it takes to review the first and final drafts of the settlement agreement drawn up by the mediator; the type of changes recommended after the review; and how much time is spent representing the client in court.
The average mediation is shorter than a court battle and, therefore, more cost effective. When I accepted adversarial divorce cases, for example, I easily spent 40 hours between reviewing documentations of net worth and negotiating with four people at odds with each other-the couple and two lawyers.
While it`s vital for a divorce mediator to remain neutral, I don`t have to be neutral every minute to do good. It`s equally important to be openminded and use whatever I hear to benefit my clients in the long run.
Those who go through this 10-year-old alternative to adversarial divorce invariably give me the same ”best reason” for acclaiming their choice. They feel in control of a part of their life when the rest of it seems to be hang- gliding.
