“It starts at birth,” according to Barbara Borden, Lincolnshire-Prairie View District 103 school psychologist, who conducts seminars on raising children in a competitive society.
“At the early-baby classes, parents notice which child walks first,” Borden said. “The comparisons continue through grade school, tracking what camps to go to, then what college to apply to.”
Anne Brannan, a Grayslake mother of two, said she definitely was prone to compare her firstborn, who is now 3.
“When I would see other children at the play group, I would wonder why another child the same age was able to sit up and Lisa wasn’t.”
Brannan said she is more relaxed about her second child’s early progress and attributes her transformation in part to the Family Circle, a program sponsored by Youth and Family Counseling service. “They taught me that you can’t compare children because they grow and develop differently,” she said.
Brannan said that she now sees she fell into a trap laid by society, convincing parents that “everything connected with your child’s success is your responsibility.”
Parents, for example, are bombarded with advice through magazines, books, television directing them on what they must do to be a good parent. Brannan said she devoured the literature until she was filled with stress and anxiety. “I read an article listing 20 things a preschool should have. My child’s school only had two, so I worried I chose the wrong school.”
Brannan said she subscribed to a toy-of-the-month club that sells “developmentally correct” toys. “Pretty soon all these crazy toys would come in the mail that were not really necessary,” Brannan said, laughing at her own vulnerability.
Despite her frustration, Brannan said, she will not shut out all outside messages. After all, the best advice she has heard came from child-development specialist T. Berry Brazelton, often seen on television talk shows.
“He said the most important thing you can do for a child is to love him,” she related. “I thought whew. I think I’m doing that right. It’s good to read, but don’t take it all like the Bible.”
