Ever since April 15 came and went, along with most of my money, I’ve been trying to get in touch with my tax feelings. It’s not that my tax feelings are complicated; in fact, they’re quite simple. My tax feelings are hurt.
Some things never make sense to me, even as an alleged grown-up. When I was a child, my mother taught me to say “thank you” when people gave me things. And I was always especially polite and thankful if people gave me money. But now that I regularly give money to the government, no one ever says “Thank you.”
Normally, I get over my tax pique by June. But it’s June, and this year I’m not over it. I’ve already started worrying about the 1994 tax Bill (Clinton). I can’t help it-his name just slips in parenthetically every time I think about taxes now.
I like Bill and Hillary et al., but I think they need some direction on the never-ending tax proposals being bandied about right now in Washington.
Don’t misunderstand-I think it’s totally appropriate to pay taxes. And I wouldn’t even mind paying more taxes if I felt that (a) my tax dollars were not being wasted, and (b) my tax dollars were not being wasted.
So, after giving this matter considerable thought, I’ve written a speech that I’d like to see Hillary Rodham Clinton make on national TV the next time Bill is out getting a haircut:
“My fellow Americans: First of all, I want to say thank you for all the tax dollars that have poured into Washington since Bill and I arrived.
“I know that several billion of those dollars were probably due under another administration, but nonetheless we very much appreciate your thoughtful contribution.
“But I’m really here to tell you about some important changes that are about to take place.
“I’ll get right to the point.
“Effective immediately, you can choose to pay any flat income-tax rate you like, as long as it falls between 5 and 50 percent. Trust me. We can find other revenues by trimming spending waste. You’ve seen the movie `Dave,’ haven’t you? If a fake president can find money in the budget, surely the real president and I can find some. And while the deadline for filing returns remains April 15, you can have an additional six months to pay your tax bill next year, with no penalty.
“Now here’s the really good news, especially for those of you who are still convinced that your tax dollars are being wasted. You can decide exactly where you want your tax dollars to go! (Wait for applause.) Yes, that is exciting news, isn’t it?
“Excuse me, would someone please assist Sen. Bob Dole? He seems to be hyperventilating on the floor back there. Thank you. Now, about your discretionary tax dollars.
“Women who have written to me complain most about waste in government. These women don’t seem to mind if their tax dollars actually go toward helping other people get better jobs or better health care, but most have said, `Look, Hillary, when we get paid dollar for dollar, then the government can waste our money too. But as long as most of us get paid less than men do, then see to it that the government wastes men’s money proportionately, or at least help us collect what they owe us.’ Many just said, `Look, Hillary, you and Bill said you were going to return the government to the people. So hand it over.’
“Well, here is what I propose. If you don’t like the current list of options for your income-tax dollars, then come up with your own list. If you’re a divorced, single mother, for example, you might want your tax dollars to go toward forming a Dad Posse-I wonder if Clint Eastwood would be available to lead it-a kind of Old West-style vigilante group specifically designed to track down the no-good who’s never paid you a penny in child support.
“Or, you can earmark your check for the homeless or the hungry or for those who are jobless. If you want to contribute to children’s rights, then you can do that too. And finally, while you’re thinking up new categories, you might want to consider creating a new Republicans on Relief Fund-I wonder if Sen. Dole would be available to lead it.
