As she pulled her car into the driveway, Molly Kay Parker could see the rain pouring in through the open upstairs windows. She ran into the house, and there was 12-year-old Patrick lying on the sofa watching television. Despite the fact that she wanted to stay calm, she heard herself snap, “What’s the matter with you? I called an hour ago to tell you to close the windows!”
One of parents’ most common complaints is that their children fail to do what they’re told. This causes all sorts of unnecessary grief. Adults feel helpless and exasperated, and the kids feel criticized and misunderstood.
However, the problem can be overcome. Children can be trained to follow instructions, and it doesn’t take a whole lot of effort. The rewards will be more than satisfying: You won’t have to waste time nagging your kids, and you’ll enjoy their company more. Your children will feel appreciated and more confident about themselves.
The question is, how do you achieve this happy state of affairs? The first step is learning what not to do. Many of the methods parents use to get children to follow instructions may work in the short run, but they’re eventually counterproductive. Here are the tactics you want to avoid.
Spanking leads nowhere. Spanking can cause harm to your relationship with your children and can be emotionally and physically abusive. Your kids will learn to fear you, and you won’t enjoy the closeness that comes with trust. They’ll also learn that it’s acceptable for a large person to hit a smaller person, and this means they’ll grow up feeling that might makes right. Finally, some children become almost immune to spanking. They begin to expect and accept spanking as the inevitable cost of their disobedience.
Threats don’t work well. When you use them repeatedly, you train children to ignore you unless you threaten them. Claims like, “If you don’t do this I’ll send you to your room, take away your allowance, cancel your television privileges … ” are often a red flag that says “Time to pay attention to Mom; now she really means it.” At that point, just as with spanking, fear becomes the motivation for following instructions. People resent anything they do out of fear. Besides, you don’t want your children to be afraid of you.
Bribes usually backfire. Bribing children teaches them to hold out until the price is right. They learn that they do not have to do anything for its intrinsic value or because it helps out someone they love, but only for a tangible reward.
So what should you do instead? No one technique works for every child, but strategies that follow frequently are effective. They can help build children’s sense of cooperation and will allow you to prevent problems instead of having to react to them when they develop.
1. Listen and understand. Kids usually have their own good reasons for not wanting to do whatever it is that you’ve asked. They might not be adult reasons, but they are generally sensible ones. They usually boil down to this simple truth: Children would rather do what they enjoy than what you want them to do. The best way for you to respond is also simple: Acknowledge your kids’ feelings before you tell them what you require them to do. All you need to convey is something like “I know you want to keep playing with your friends” or “play Nintendo,” etc. Once you establish that you understand their point of view, you can go on to instruct them. For example, you might say to an adolescent: “You probably want to sleep until 10 o’clock on Saturday. I’ll try to keep things quiet. After you get up, I need you to mow the grass. Would you make that your priority?”
2. Give reasons for your requests. Sometimes it’s OK simply to assert “because I said so,” or “I’m the mommy, that’s why!” It is important for kids to know that every once in a while they have to do things simply because others want them to; it can be a lesson in reality. However, it’s generally better to offer good reasons for the things you want of them; it will strengthen your children’s ability to develop empathy and consideration.
Here’s something you could say to your 1st- or 2nd-grader: “Please tell me if you leave the yard; I’ll be worried if I don’t know where you are.” You could say to your adolescent: “I want you to have nice clothes. But they won’t stay that way unless you take care of them. So please hang them up instead of throwing them on the floor.”
3. Tell kids ahead of time that you are about to ask them to do something. Children are more willing to obey orders if they have advance warning. You might say: “When the credits start running at the end of the movie, I’m going to give you a job. I need you to be ready to do it.” Another alternative: “As soon as you finish your supper, I’m going to tell you two things to do. Please think about being ready for them.”
4. Get their attention. Before you even begin to give a child an instruction, make sure he’s looking right at you. Put your hands gently on his shoulders or on both sides of his face to channel his attention toward you. Children have difficulty hearing and retaining information or requests when their attention is focused on something else.
5. Give instructions one at a time. Kids can feel overwhelmed if you assign them a task that has many steps to it. Instead of just telling your 8-year-old to clean up his bedroom, say “Smooth the covers on your bed.” Next tell him, “Plump up your pillow.” Then say “Pick up all the puzzle pieces that are on the floor and put them in their box.” Keep giving your child individual instructions until he has completed the entire task.
6. Ask children to repeat your instructions. This works with children from 4 or 5 years old up to 10 or 12. After you give an instruction, tell your youngster to say it out loud, then ask her to repeat it to herself silently. For example, you might say to a 4-year-old: “Take your gym sneakers upstairs and put them in your closet. Now, can you tell me what I asked you to do?” After the child responds, say “Good. Why don’t you repeat that to yourself in your head so you don’t forget.”
7. Speak slowly and calmly. You do not want children to follow instructions only when you raise your voice or nag. Make your voice pleasant and matter-of-fact. Your kids will learn to respond to a normal tone of voice, and your interactions will remain positive.
8. Give your younger children some practice. Children from 3 up to 9 or 10 can benefit from rehearsing the tasks you want them to master. You could say to your kindergartner: “Let’s practice setting the table. First, get the mats out of the drawer and bring them to the table. Now get the napkins. Next you will need three forks and three knives. Here’s where to put them.” When the child completes the whole chore, say “Thank you. You did a good job. Do you think you can remember what to do next time?” The basic principle-that the best thing to do when you have trouble with a task is to practice until you get better-is a valuable lesson to teach your children. Following instructions is no exception.
9. Look for tradeoffs. Opportunities frequently come up naturally to make doing chores more appealing, and you will want to take advantage of these. For example, your 8-year-old might ask: “May I spend the night with Erica?” You could reply: “Of course. That sounds like fun. Please get the laundry folded before you go.” This strategy allows you to be positive while exacting responsible behavior.
Another way of rewarding obedience is to point it out and offer a treat. If your child has been especially cooperative all day, you might say, “You have been such a help to me, I’m going to let you stay up and play for an extra half-hour tonight.”
10. Encourage lots of structured activities. Organized activities like baseball, swimming lessons, Cub Scouts and ballet lessons are fun and rewarding for youngsters. They also have rules and will give children some painless practice in following them.
11. Review the rules for coming situations. For example, if you are taking your 5-year-old to the mall, you might say: “Let’s go over the rules. Rule No. 1 is that you have to stay where I can see you. Rule No. 2 is that you can’t play under the clothes racks. Rule No. 3 is that you can’t run around.” Be sure to add what the child can do.
12. Allow unpleasant consequences to occur if they won’t actually harm your child. If you call your 10-year-old to supper and he does not come to the table promptly, let his food get cold. It won’t taste good, but it won’t harm him. If your 5th-grader doesn’t get dressed for school when she is supposed to, she will have to get on the bus with her hair a mess and finish brushing it on the bus. When the consequences make kids uncomfortable, they’ll be motivated to avoid them.
Not all of these ideas will work with every child. But three or four of them are bound to improve your children’s ability to carry out instructions consistently.
