Say you’re the host of a radio or TV talk show, or you have a report due for school, and you need an expert on diets. Or weddings. Or euthanasia. Or health care.
Or you need to find a police chief, pet owner or sexologist.
Relief is just a phone call away, thanks to the latest edition of the Yearbook of Experts, Authorities and Spokespersons, a weighty, 836-page reference volume that serves as the yellow pages for the dial-a-quote business.
Ever wonder where the news media find all those so-called experts? Flip open the yearbook and meet:
– Richard Carleton Hacker, who bills himself as “the world’s most entertaining author/spokesman on pipe collecting and cigar smoking.” He has a collection of 2,000 pipes, including the world’s largest and smallest smokable pipes; has written “The Ultimate Cigar Book”; and is host of “The Ultimate Pipe Video: The Sights and Sounds of Pipe Smoking.”
– Insomnia expert Dianne Hales, pictured in her pajamas, who promises to “put your audience to sleep.” She’s an author (“How to Sleep Like a Baby”) and spokeswoman for the Better Sleep Council, a group dedicated to informing the public about the value of a good night’s sleep and “how bedding affects nearly every aspect of life.”
– Elizabeth Fried, an expert on “kooky employee trouble,” whose listing begins with the question: “Have you ever thought capital punishment was fair treatment for co-workers who drive you crazy?” Fried promises to illustrate “how sloppy hiring practices could result in your working next to a rapist, a robber or even another Jeffrey Dahmer.”
They’re all part of the great American tradition of letting many voices be heard, declares Mitchell P. Davis, the creator, editor and publisher of the Washington-based yearbook.
“You guys can surf through the ads and find groups, big and small, that deal with just about everything,” says Davis, 37, who started the yearbook 11 years ago as a 48-page guide for radio talk-show hosts.
Since then the book has grown fatter every year. Davis’ breakthrough came when he decided to give the book to journalists, rather than charge them. This year he distributed 17,000 copies to media outlets ranging from “Good Morning America” to Tass.
He makes his money by charging experts, lobbyists and associations, who pay anywhere from $245 to $700 for their display ads.
Federal agencies get space free, as long as they provide phone numbers.
In the book are the Postal Service, the CIA, the IRS, the Immigration and Naturalization Service, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. and the Federal Housing Administration-but not the White House.
Davis tries to avoid selling space to hate groups, tricksters or experts whose credibility is unverifiable, such as the woman who sought a listing as a spokeswoman for prostitutes.
“How can I verify that?” he says.
Otherwise, though, he’s open-minded and decidedly apolitical.
Side-by-side in the yearbook are the Beef Industry Council and Vegetarian Times, the National Rifle Association and Handgun Control, the United States Catholic Conference and American Atheists Inc.
Every interest seems to have a spokesman. Bounty hunters, who made 30,000 arrests last year at no cost to taxpayers, are represented by Bob Burton, president of the National Association of Bail Enforcement Agents.
Small people have their advocates in the Short Stature Foundation, whose leaders include Gracie Oliver (2 feet 10 inches) and Rich Crandall (3 feet 10 inches). “We may be short on stature, but we’re long on expertise,” they say.
Advertisers say the yearbook works.
“People use it when they’re looking for offbeat ideas,” says Jennifer Howard, a spokeswoman for Dreyer’s and Edy’s Ice Cream. The company promotes its veteran ice-cream taster, John D. Harrison, whose taste buds are insured for $1 million.
Alan Caruba, a self-made expert and the founder of two widely quoted groups, the Boring Institute and the National Anxiety Center, also says his ads get the telephone ringing.
“There isn’t a day goes by that we’re not called upon by print and broadcast media,” Caruba says.
Caruba founded the Boring Institute a decade ago as a lark, but he now calls himself “the nation’s guru of boredom” and gets worldwide media coverage of his annual list of the year’s most boring celebrities.
Talk-show hosts looking for laughs are invited to contact the Journal of Nursing Jocularity, a humor magazine for nurses, or the International Save the Pun Foundation, which compiles the 10 best puns of the year in January.
