How much or how little influence a child has over home selection is a touchy subject handled differently by many parents. Although parents want the child to like the house as much as they do, the criteria a child applies are obviously different.
Usually a child’s opinions about a house are more often his or her opinions about moving. Pediatric psychologist Kim Dell’Angela provided the following ways alert parents can tell the difference, and make the transition easier:
– Don’t minimize concerns. “There are kids who like change and kids who don’t. We’re all like that,” Dell’Angela says. “For a shy child, a move can be much more traumatic. Don’t tell them how much fun it will be to make new friends.” Instead, give the child more control over the order of the move by letting them pack, visit the new home as often as possible, and put his or her room in order quickly.
– Explain “why.” Talking about the move includes talking truthfully about the reasons for it, Dell’Angela says. “Don’t pretend a divorce is not the reason. A new room has nothing to do with the loss of a dad.
“Parents don’t like to see their children sad, so they sometimes focus only on the good parts of the move. If the kids say something upsetting, accept it, don’t say, ‘Oh, how can you feel that way?’ “
– Review the process. When the Dell’Angelas moved, they told their daughter what would be happening. “We explained the sequence multiple times in words she could understand. We said, `We’ll pack, then a big truck will come . . .’ ” It helps to explain where belongings will be stored and when they’ll be unpacked. “Kids get worried about how their `stuff’ is,” says Dell’Angela. “That’s their security.”
– Listen. “Really listen to your kids, don’t just pretend to,” Dell’Angela says. “Talk about good and bad parts of the move, then comfort them and say, `It will be hard, but we’re going to do it anyway.’ “
Be patient. How long do kids take to adjust to a new location? “It depends on how much order a child needs, and how well they adjust to change,” Dell’Angela says.
“Relatively young kids take until the boxes are packed away, or about a month. For older kids, or kids who are depressed after a divorce or another loss, the accommodation is more lengthy, maybe six or eight months.
“Kids are pretty amazing in finding something that’s stable. For us boxes are disconcerting. For them, if their rocking chair is unpacked, they’re fine.”
