Things have been busy, busy, busy, here at the Holiday Gift Command Center.
For months now, our cheerful elves have been hard at work in their cozy workshop, hammering and sawing, drilling and sanding, transforming sturdy blocks of wood into rocking horses, toy soldiers and spinning tops designed to elicit squeals of happiness from lucky little boys and girls. These toys, painted in bright primary colors, are lined up in neat, gleaming rows, waiting for that Very Special Night when we gather them all up and take them in big trucks to the Morphex-Glomco Corp., which burns them to generate the heat needed to cause the chemical reactions required to produce the high-grade plastics that are necessary to manufacture the toys that modern children actually want, such as Mortal Kombat XIV, the video game in which your character eats the enemy character’s pancreas.
We have repeatedly tried to explain to the elves that all we really need is the sturdy blocks of wood, but we get nowhere. They may be cheerful, but they have the average IQ of a Salad Shooter. Some of them have been working here for more than 250 years without once asking if we have a dental plan. All we have to do to keep them happy is every now and then give them some Purina Elf Chow.
But forget about them. The Holiday Retail Frenzy Season is upon us, and you need to be thinking about what special gift items you will be purchasing for those special people on your list. And that is why we have taken time out from our busy schedule to put together our annual Holiday Gift Guide. We don’t want to “toot our own horn,” but we happen to think that this is the best Gift Guide ever, as measured in total elapsed time required to put it all together-43 minutes, a new Gift Guide record.
We are pleased to report that the average item in this year’s guide costs less than $20! But don’t let the low prices fool you! If you purchase these items and give them as gifts, the lucky recipients will never guess that you paid so little. The lucky recipients will guess that you found these items in a Dumpster.
Cracker thrower: $19.50 from Orvis, Historic Route 7A, P.O. Box 798, Manchester, Vt. 05254-0798, phone 800-541-3541.
This is the perfect gift for anyone on your holiday list who has a need for a mechanical device capable of throwing round crackers great distances. According to the Orvis catalog, this device was designed “to launch crackers into the air as challenging, biodegradable targets for trap shooters.” But the catalog notes that you can also use it “at the beach as a sea gull feeder.”
The catalog states that this device-which comes in both right-handed and left-handed models-is capable of throwing a cracker “up to 60 yards at incredible speeds.” This leads us to think of a couple of additional uses for it, such as:
– Personal protection-In today’s crime-ridden urban environment, you can give no more precious gift to a loved one than the gift of security. And think how secure your loved one would feel if he or she had the Orvis cracker thrower, loaded, tucked away in his or her pocket or purse, ready to be pulled out the instant that trouble arises. Your hardened urban criminals are definitely going to have second thoughts about attacking a potential victim who is capable of launching a high-speed cracker at close range, especially if it is one of the technologically advanced high-impact assault crackers now available to the public. (“UH-oh! Sesame seeds! Let’s get out of here!” “Yeah! Those things really sting!”)
– Dinner parties-A major headache for the modern host or hostess who does not have domestic help and is trying to keep an eye on things in the kitchen while at the same time making sure that the guests have plenty to nibble on. Think how convenient it would be for the host or hostess on your gift list if, instead of wasting valuable time walking all the way from the kitchen to the living room to replenish the hors d’oeuvres tray, he or she could simply load a cracker-perhaps even with a fairly adhesive topping on it-into this device and transport it directly to an appreciative guest at speeds normally associated with air-to-air missiles:
HOSTESS (from the kitchen): Roger, how about some more liver pate?
GUEST: Well, I guess I could eat one more (ZINNNGGGGGGG) GACK (thud).
OTHER GUESTS (hastily): None for us, thanks!
Doggie bag: $24.95 from Collar Craft, P.O. Box 490, Mt. Vernon, Mo. 65712, phone 800-548-0908.
Do you know what’s wrong with small dogs?
Well, yes, they do have the intelligence of chewing gum and a tendency to express their love by peeing on your feet. But that is not what we are getting at. We are getting at the fact that small dogs, because of a foolish design oversight on the part of Mother Nature, do not have handles. Thus you generally have to carry them with both hands, which means that you do not have a hand free to carry, for example, a briefcase. This is why so many small-dog owners are unable to take their dogs with them to work.
And that is why you will want to give this item to the dog owner on your gift list. This item is basically a nylon harness with a handle; it instantly converts an ordinary small dog into a small dog that can easily be carried anywhere, not just to the office, but also to restaurants, health clubs, theaters, weddings, bar mitzvahs and funerals. You need never again be without your dog. You can take your dog everywhere -just like your cellular phone! In addition to constant companionship, a portable dog can be a powerful deterrent to hardened urban street criminals.
FIRST CRIMINAL: Stick ’em up!
YOU (calmly holding up your dog): I’d put that gun away if I were you.
SECOND CRIMINAL: Look out, Earl! It’s peeing on your feet!
FIRST CRIMINAL: Yikes! Let’s get out of here!
Tongue cleaner: $4.95 from the Mystic Trader, 1334 Pacific Ave., Forest Grove, Ore. 97116, phone 800-634-9057.
Most of us rarely give any thought to cleaning our tongues. Yet each year more than 34 million Americans develop some kind of serious physical problem that could easily have been prevented with adequate tongue hygiene, according to statistics that recently came to us in a dream.
This is not surprising, when you consider the kinds of things you routinely put into your mouth, such as peanut butter, Chinese food, pizza, gumbo and clams. Most of these things slide down into your stomach, where they are broken down by amino acids and turned into useful body parts, except of course for the clams, which are expelled from your body untouched and often go on to lead long and healthy lives in the sewer system. But a certain amount of food residue remains on your tongue. Over the years, layer upon layer of this residue-scientists call it “crud”-builds up on your tongue, and eventually it becomes disgusting.
Of course you are unaware of this. What with the demands of career and family, you rarely have time to examine your tongue. But believe us when we tell you that your friends, family and co-workers see your tongue all the time, and they are really grossed out.
That is why we strongly recommend that you purchase this tongue cleaner for yourself and every person whom you truly care about on your holiday list.
It is a known fact that top entertainment figures such as Clint Eastwood and Zsa Zsa Gabor-people who have a professional interest in always looking their best-never finish a meal at a swank Hollywood restaurant without immediately, right at their tables, having their tongues cleaned by their personal assistants, who carry tongue cleaners at all times in special little holsters. You and the people on your gift list may not have personal assistants, but you can certainly look just as good. Even better, in the case of Zsa Zsa.
Internal Revenue Service Christmas tree ornament: $11 from The Treasury Historical Association, P.O. Box 28118, Washington, D.C. 20038-8118, phone 202-895-5250.
This item is so wonderful that we feel obligated to remind you we are not making it up. This is a Christmas tree ornament created to mark the 80th anniversary of the establishment of the income tax. It’s gold-plated metal, and it depicts a 1913 IRS form. At the bottom it says: “Eighty Years of Income Tax” and “Many Happy Returns.” (Ha ha! Get it?)
This unique gift idea was created by the Treasury Historical Association, a non-profit organization that will use the proceeds to purchase new cattle prods for needy IRS agents.
No, we are kidding. The proceeds will be used to help restore the Old Treasury Building in Washington. This is certainly a worthy cause, so you will want to purchase this ornament for a special taxpayer on your holiday list. Remember, however, that if you do not order this ornament in time for holiday gift-giving, you must order Extension Ornament 2093-3J on or before the sixth fiscal week of the holiday season unless you are a joint taxpayer giving gifts singly. If we were you, we would contact our lawyer immediately.
New Jet Weeder: $14.95 from Carol Wright Gifts, 340 Applecreek Rd., Lincoln, Neb. 68544-8503, phone 402-474-5174.
This is the perfect gift idea for the person who has:
(1) A garden or yard.
(2) Insurance.
What this item is, basically, is a blowtorch with a long metal tube attached. This means that, instead of having to bend all the way over and pull out those nasty weeds by hand, you simply fire up your Flame Jet Weeder and stride around your garden or yard, incinerating weeds, insects, worms, squirrels, small dogs and any other life form in your path. If you have an adolescent son, we’re betting he’ll be more than willing to do a lot of yard work if he can use the New Jet Weeder, thereby freeing you to relax and watch TV until it’s time to call the fire department.
Head lice coloring book: 25 cents each (minimum order, 25) from the National Pediculosis Association, P.O. Box 149, Newton, Mass. 02161, phone 800-446-4672.
Never before, in all our years of doing the Holiday Gift Guide, have we encountered a gift idea for children that was so reasonably priced and yet involved parasites. This is a very attractive 12-page coloring book about head lice, sold by the National Pediculosis Association (“pediculosis” is the medical term for “coloring book”). Its pages depict the activities of a group of lice who arrive on a human head and settle in. (“We glue our eggs to your hair,” they state.) It also explains how the child can get rid of these pesky creatures via a simple medical technique involving the Flame Jet Weeder.
No! Just kidding! The coloring book contains safe medical advice. We are certain that this item will provide the youngsters on your holiday list with 20 or even possibly 30 seconds of enjoyment. We are hoping to see this concept developed further, perhaps ultimately involving a Saturday morning cartoon show about a family of head lice who have wacky adventures with their friend Toby the Tapeworm.
We might add that the National Pediculosis Association also sells (really) a line of lice-related T-shirts. Although we ourselves would be extremely reluctant to put one on.
Nose spreader: $18 from Robert Sullivan, 3127 Kentwood Drive, Eugene, Ore. 97401, phone 503-686-6650.
There is an old saying in the holiday gift business: “Good things come in small packages that you remove the things from and then stick them up your nose.” That could not be more true of this item, the Sully Nose Spreader.
This is a real item conceived of and manufactured by a retired engineer, businessman and inventor named Robert “Sully” Sullivan of Eugene, Ore. The Sully Nose Spreader is a device for people who have trouble sleeping because their noses close up when they lie down to sleep (this is known as “nose collapse”). Sullivan’s press release states:
“The spreader is made of chrome steel, the same material used for braces to straighten teeth. Medically safe. To use this spreader, just before you go to bed, insert it into your nose. Go to bed and go to sleep, there is no feeling after you insert the spreader in your nose.”
We actually inserted our nose spreader into our personal nose, and we must say that we have never before experienced this degree of comfort with a wire thing up our nose, once we overcame the momentary terror that we would need surgical help to get it back out. Based on this experience, we strongly recommend this item as the ideal gift for anybody on your holiday list who needs to breathe. But please make sure that the recipient reads the directions before attempting to use this device. (“No, no, NO! You were supposed to insert it in your nose!”)
