Breaking up is hard to do.
As in romance, so it goes in real estate: You know it’s time to say goodbye (and sell your home), but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.
Emotional ties can bind, complicating the selling game, experts say.
For many people, especially those who custom-built their homes or raised families there, letting go of a property packed with memories can be difficult. “It’s a severing process,” says Cam Benson, broker owner of Wildwood Realty in Chicago.
Benson says that sellers often turn down early offers, partially because they may expect to do better, but largely because they aren’t mentally prepared to leave.
Ambivalence can begin even before the property is actually on the market. When owners interview agents, comments are usually very positive, since agents are angling for the listing: “What a great house!” “We’ll have no trouble selling this!”
“This can prompt second thoughts on the part of home sellers,” observes Terrence Koller, executive director of the Illinois Psychological Association. “Their thinking-especially if they don’t have to move-is, `If this is such a great place, maybe I should stay.’ “
“Everyone is different in forming attachments . . . some people form attachments to everything,” continues Koller, a clinical psychologist with offices in Chicago and Evanston.
De-personalized
Real estate agents can help distance sellers psychologically by referring to the property as “the house” rather than “your home,” Benson says. If sellers have another house lined up, that also helps prepare them mentally to leave, she adds.
Although moving to Atlanta meant a career advancement for her husband, Patty Davies says it was hard to leave their previous home in Kansas City: “I would love to be back in that house right now.” Davies chalked up part of her attachment to the house to the large amount of time spent there, since she does not work outside the home.
During the selling process, Davies liked to be present at second showings. “There were so many things I wanted to tell prospective buyers,” she recalls. “Nuances around the house . . . where the school bus picked children up . . . where the flowers would pop up in the spring.”
Sellers may want to “replicate” themselves regarding who takes over their house.
“I felt really good about who we sold to,” says Katy Feit, referring to the Edgebrook home she and her husband, Pete, sold last August. The buyers had a 14-month-old child, Feit notes, adding: “I felt they were a good replacement. We were the only young family on the block.”
“Our agent kept telling us how much the other couple loved the house . . . that made it easier to let it go,” says Mary Novaria, who recently sold her home in Kansas City, Mo.
Many sellers are surprised how personally they take feedback during the selling process. On one hand, they want to find out what prospective buyers think of their home. At the same time, those little comments can sting.
“We had done all the decorating, papering and painting in our house . . . it had so much of us in it,” says Novaria. “Yet people would come through the house and not love it as much as we did. It’s more than stress . . . it affects your self-esteem.”
Hurt feelings
Even after their house was under contract, there were some unexpected snipes. The inspector was much more “nit-picky” than Novaria remembered from when she and her husband had bought the home nine years earlier.
Attention was called to even minuscule flaws, such as the toilet running too loudly. “It made you feel ashamed,” Novaria says. “It was like someone criticizing your child.”
Although criticism from prospective buyers may hurt sellers’ feelings, it’s actually a good sign, says Wildwood Realty’s Benson. “We in real estate know that means they’re interested,” she says. “If they weren’t, prosective buyers wouldn’t say anything.”
Yet negative comments aren’t the only things that can damage sellers psyches. When Carl and Cathy Albrecht got a lowball offer on their Chicago loft, Cathy recalled feeling insulted. “I remember being so mad (at the prospective buyer) that I decided I could live with a screaming baby and without walls” rather than sell to him, says Albrecht, who was pregnant at the time.
Competitive feelings can also affect the financial picture.
The Albrechts had listed their loft for $227,000. Yet when a unit in the same building sold for a higher price, it raised Cathy’s expectations of what they could get. “We had more square feet, but they had better amenities . . . including a fireplace and stairs up to the roof (instead of a ladder),” Carl explains.”I wanted to sell the thing and be rid of it. (Cathy) thinks we are going to get double what it’s worth.”
Adding to his agitation, “the clock was ticking,” says Carl, referring both to his wife’s pregnancy and the fact that another loft conversion was going up across the street that would soon mean more competition.
Psychological and emotional torture doesn’t necessarily get easier the second or third time around, sellers say.
A roller coaster
“I don’t want to go through it again,” says Davies, the Atlanta transferee, who’s sold two homes. Both experiences lasted about six months, she says, noting: “You’re totally wrapped up in the sale of your home-planning meals, keeping it clean. With children, it’s double the pressure. You want your children to come first, yet you’re also trying to (expedite) the sale.”
“You prepare your house not to live in it but to show,” psychologist Koller says. “It puts your life on hold.”
“It’s an emotional roller coaster,” says Koller, who speaks from experience. His North Side condo has been on the market for nine months now.
“You move from periods where there is no activity and you begin to think you shouldn’t sell . . . to periods where, all of sudden, you have to start thinking about looking for a place to live,” Koller explains. “Suddenly, tension grows enormously.”
“You feel tense, then other times you have adrenaline flowing because you’re excited about the possibilities,” agrees Davies.
Many sellers feel vulnerable due to loss of privacy during the selling process. Once that for-sale sign goes up, you “feel like your house is on display,” says Feit.
And, it is. At that first Sunday open house, anyone who has ever walked by your residence and wondered what it looks like can now take a peak, whether they are interested in making an offer or not.
For working couples without children, showings aren’t too difficult from a logistical standpoint, sellers say. Yet for families with children, it means a lot of quick evacuations-unplanned visits to the park, the shopping center or McDonald’s.
“I felt I was really enslaved to the whole process,” says Novaria.
One seller recalled stepping out of the shower and hearing voices in her foyer. Though it turned out to be an agent with prospective buyers, she was initially panicked, thinking someone had broken in. Surprise apparently prevailed at both ends: When the agent’s group heard her, they became embarrassed and beat a hasty retreat.
Selling a home also takes a big toll on your social life, sellers agree.
Family members didn’t come over to her home as often, Feit says. Entertaining for friends was also reluctantly scaled back.
Davies recalls the time a friend came over for brunch, an event that ended abruptly when prospective buyers showed up with the agent. “We hadn’t seen each other in a year,” Davies says, referring to her friend. “I felt very awkward . . . here this was our big get-together and it ended so abruptly.”
“You have to insulate yourself to the annoyances,” psychologist Koller advises.
Keep your cool
If the selling process is stretching out and driving you nuts, keep cool. Remember that some things are beyond your control, such as rising interest rates and the state of the real estate market. “You can’t just get mad at your real estate agents when it doesn’t sell. Try to see the big picture,” Koller says.
Does being a psychologist help him deal with seller stress? “No,” he says. “My wife (director of administration for a law firm) tolerates it much better.”
Indeed, having a spouse or significant other helps in dealing with the frustration.
Talk about what’s bothering you, Koller advises, whether it’s the selling process taking longer than you’d like or feeling torn. “No one is going to solve the problem for you, but most people feel better expressing, and life goes on.”
“Remind yourself of your decision to move,” Koller says. “If you’re not forced to move, ultimately what you’re doing is to improve your situation.”
