Dear Miss Manners–I am a high school chemistry teacher at a fairly good, city public school, and I never realized how important manners were until coming to a place that had very little respect for the basic rules of etiquette.
How can I, as an adult white male and teacher, instill proper manners in teen-age black boys and girls without being thought of as racist or ignorant of their culture? How far can or should I go in the much needed instruction of etiquette and not be rude myself?
Gentle Reader–They are not chemists, are they? And yet you teach them chemistry.
Perhaps not, Miss Manners is afraid, unless you can first teach them to behave in a classroom in such a way that learning is able to take place.
She strongly suggests that you squarely face and challenge them to defend any such outrageous charges as you imply they may harbor. Sorry as she is to add to your workload, she is afraid that you must teach the theory of manners, before you can teach the etiquette rules that will finally enable you to teach chemistry.
You can show that the belief that requiring manners exhibits disrespect for their culture is what would be most disrespectful and degrading to them.
As you might point out, there is hardly a more obnoxiously racist charge than that civilized behavior is inherently white, and that it is phony and inappropriate on the part of people of color to attempt it. The conclusion of that would be that modern civilization belongs to whites, while others should remain on the periphery, in an unsophisticated state.
The truth is that your students don’t really believe this; they simply share the universal desire to be free of rules by any argument that works on timid adults.
They also despise rudeness. But only when it is practiced on them, instead of by them. Should they claim otherwise, they cannot then claim to be offended by disrespect. Showing respect to others is an etiquette rule, mandated only by manners.
Miss Manners understands perfectly well that different standards of behavior prevail among different people (age being more of a factor than race) and in different situations.
Nor should these be acceptable in the classroom, where you will need to set rules that demonstrate respect for education, yourself as teacher, and one another.
They will then be able to learn chemistry, as well as the enormously important lesson that manners can be learned by anyone–and used to great advantage by those who can practice them skillfully.
Dear Miss Manners–I have recently lost my husband through death. Should I remove my wedding ring now? I don’t feel right without it.
Gentle Reader–Where did you get the cruel idea that you must be bereaved of the cherished symbol of your bond to your husband?
The idea that a widow must erase visible connections with her husband goes against all tradition. A widow properly retains her husband’s name and her rings as long as she wishes, which may well mean for the rest of her life.
The only person who may be presumed to have a legitimate opinion about the matter would be a subsequent husband.
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Address etiquette questions to Miss Manners, c/o the Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,Ill. 60611.
