The eight women at a recent meeting of the Chicago-area chapter of the National Organization of Single Mothers have 15 children among them and are owed more than $20,000 in child support payments. Two of the women nearly found themselves and their kids living on the street after their divorces, and three of the children of group members have never even met their fathers.
The women were gathered around a folding table set up in a corner of Hammond Hall in Hometown. A coffeemaker chugged away, and the sound of falling rain drifted in the open door. On the table were books about stress, pamphlets about divorce and dealing with the court system, brochures regarding employment opportunities and pages ripped from newspapers with stories about day-care options and the rising cost of medical care.
They feel beat up, kicked around, but not one is down for the count.
“I used to think I was the only one going through this,” said Alice, 36, of Hometown. She’s the mother of three children, ages 7, 4 and 2, and she is struggling not only to make ends meet but to stay sane while she does it.
Women like Alice (the moms at the meeting asked for anonymity) and the problems they face prompted Tami McEaney to start up the local chapter of the National Organization of Single Mothers in March.
“I wanted to give women a chance to socialize and share mutual concerns,” said McEaney, 35, of Hometown, the mother of three children who is separated from her husband. “The idea behind this group is to help them face the challenges of single parenthood with wisdom and dignity and resourcefulness.” The local group meets the third Tuesday of each month at Hammond Hall, 4331 Southwest Highway in Hometown.
The national organization was founded in 1991 by Andrea Engber, 46, of Midland, N.C. She said the idea came to her after reading a story in a women’s magazine while sitting in her son’s pediatrician’s office. The article was aimed at “superwomen-types” and how they could raise intelligent and polite kids, have a high-powered job, bake delicious homemade bread and run the neighborhood block party.
“The article suggested that you have your husband take out the garbage,” said Engber, a divorced mother of two. “And I thought, that does it. I’m not the only woman out there without a man living at home.”
So Engber started a newsletter she thought would appeal to single mothers. It focused on such issues as day care, household budgeting and inexpensive travel ideas. She began by selling the newsletter in her hometown and eventually picked up subscriptions in several states.
“I found that the readers were very chatty, and the newsletter eventually became a network,” she said. “The biggest thing women wanted was emotional support.”
Providing a shoulder to cry on is only one facet of the non-profit network that joins single parents, whether widowed, divorced or never married. It also provides a helping hand as members not only share their troubles, but also their successes, such as when Alice finally received a check for back child support.
At the Hometown meeting, the women shared ideas for getting discounts on school supplies and discussed tactics to have fees waived or reduced for their children’s Little League games or religion classes. They shared the names of attorneys, pediatricians and school counselors and suggested books to be read and magazine articles to clip.
Each meeting is devoted to a specific topic, such as dealing with anger, employment opportunities or legal issues. The topic at this meeting was coping skills: What does each mom count as her strength and weakness?
“My biggest strength is my children. They are also my weakness,” Alice said.
Julie, 27, of Evergreen Park, is the mother of a 3-year-old daughter. “My friends tend to refer to my daughter as a mistake,” said the never-married Julie. “Sometimes I have a lot of hatred toward her father, the fact that I’m stuck raising this kid. But then I realize I’m getting so much more out of this than he ever will. I’m very fortunate to have a beautiful daughter.
“I don’t fit in with young singles or married couples,” she added. “My daughter always comes first, and sometimes I resent it. I’ll have to buy her a new pair of shoes, and I don’t have five bucks for lunch.”
Alice interjected, “I feel terrible about it, but sometimes I think like that too.”
Linda, 37, of Hickory Hills, said she and her ex-husband tried for nine years to have a child; five years after the birth of the first of their two children, her husband filed for divorce. “I had two children, two dogs, two cars,” she said. “The judge ordered the house sold during our divorce, and ended up out on the street.”
She and the children moved in with her father until the money from the house sale was available. “I went back to work, but between gas for the car and child care, I was clearing about $10 a day,” Linda said. “A woman at my office told me, `Too bad you have those two kids.’ “
She said she cried when her two boys offered to give her their allowance money to help pay bills.
“Really,” agreed Bonnie, 39, of Bridgeview. “Here I am struggling, and my ex is talking about retiring at 50.
“I get so frustrated sometimes I just blow my top. And some of the things I yell about are not big issues. If you don’t have any support, it can lead to some very negative feelings.”
The women talked about the benefits of keeping a journal. “It just helps me to get it out, to express it,” Alice said. “Then I reread it and decide not to worry about it anymore.”
McEaney, who is studying to become a legal assistant, said self-esteem is a major issue for single mothers. “I really had to learn to stand on my own two feet,” she said. “That’s the hardest thing, believing in yourself.”
She added that group members have found there is a bias against single parents. “I’d like to see some changes, and I’d like to be a part of it,” McEaney said.
Bonnie said she had belonged to several other support groups before joining the National Organization of Single Mothers. “I didn’t feel comfortable with the other groups,” Bonnie said. “They focused too much on divorce and not enough on parenting.
“It has helped me to be able to express my feelings knowing about others going through the same things,” she added.
“It’s nice knowing someone else understands,” Julie said.
In addition to the regular support meetings, the group is putting together a resource library and has planned a variety of activities, from a family picnic to a trip to the zoo.
“One of our goals is to have a mom’s night out,” McEaney said. “But the first one didn’t work out. We all ended up bringing our kids for one reason or another.”
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For a free copy of SingleMOTHER newsletter, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to the National Organization of Single Mothers, Box 68, Midland, N.C. 28107-0068.
