Recent news report:
Republican strategists are eyeing the possibility of splitting the County of Cook into five separate counties. Chicago would become Daley County, the county’s north suburbs would be called Dirksen County, the northwest suburbs Lincoln County, the western suburbs Stevenson County and the south suburbs Reagan County.
Senate President James “Pate” Philip declared the proposal “not a bad idea” and called for further study.
Future news report:
The leaders of the five Illinois counties that formerly comprised Cook County met today at a summit to resolve problems which have arisen since the GOP-controlled legislature ordered the dividing one year ago.
Daley County Board President Richard M. Daley convened the meeting, which was held by mutual consent at a four-star Loop hotel, where the food was better.
“First, let me apologize for the tolls you had to pay on your way into the city,” Daley said. “But after you took away your considerable property tax base, we had to find another way to pay for the new County Hospital and the jail expansion. You’ll all get your $2.50 back at the end of the meeting.”
“I don’t think that toll is constitutional,” interrupted Robert “Bob” Kustra of Park Ridge, the former lieutenant governor and newly-elected leader of Dirksen County.
“Heh, heh, heh,” Daley grinned as only a Daley can. He then reminded all present that his old friend from Bridgeport, Illinois Chief Justice Michael Bilandic, is the one to see regarding what is constitutional and what is not.
“Now,” Daley said, changing the subject. “Let’s go around the table and deal with these so-called problems.”
Donald Totten, the powerful Shaumburg Township GOP committeeman and the first board president of Lincoln County, led off.
“I don’t think it’s fair to charge us $1-a-gallon for Lake Michigan water,” Totten complained. “Didn’t we have a long-term contract with Chicago that fixed the price at $1-per-thousand-gallons?”
“Heh, heh, heh.” Daley grinned again. “You’ll have to see our corporation counsel on that. We checked it out. It’s all legal. Has to do with the switch from city to county status voiding all previous agreements. I’ll have our lawyers explain it to you.”
Next came Judy Baar Topinka, longtime GOP strong-woman from Riverside and now the top vote-getter in Stevenson County.
“I have a procedural question ” Topinka began. “Why was my county named after a Democrat when the other new suburban counties were named after famous Republicans?”
“Heh, heh, heh,” the host grinned. “You’ll have to ask your fellow Republican leaders about that. They drew the map. Maybe it was because my good friend John Stroger carried West Cook in the 1994 race for county board president. You remember, it was one of those years when you guys ran somebody nobody ever heard of. I think it was `Joe Morris,’ or some name like that.
“We’ll take care of it” Topinka said, apparently refering to her petition drive to have the west suburban county renamed after Congressman Henry Hyde. “But let’s talk about real stuff,” she continued. “When are we going to get some property tax relief out there? My people are being taxed out of their bungalows–from Berwyn to Bellwood. “
“Heh, heh, heh” Daley grinned once more. “You should have thought about that before you seceded. Up north they have sales tax mills like Old Orchard and Golf Mill. Northwest they’ve got the Woodfield Mall and all those office parks beyond O’Hare. Out south there’s Orland Square and a steel mill or two. Downtown we’ve got Michigan Avenue and the Loop. Out west you’ve got, well, bungalows. Lotsa luck. Heh, heh. heh.”
“About those steel mills,” interupted the new president of south suburban Reagan County, the Honorable Aldo DeAngelis, longtime state senator from Olympia Fields.
“As you know, Rich, most of the mills shut down years ago. That’s why we’ve been pushing for a third major airport in the south suburbs. What we want is to turn the Calumet Expressway into a golden corridor of growth the way Chicago did to the Kenendy Expressway near O’Hare.”
“Heh, heh, heh.” Daley grinned. “As you know, senator, that can’t happen because an airport down south would interfere with the air space over Gary International. You remember, the city made that interstate deal one Easter weekend while you Republicans were off coloring eggs.”
At which point all four bosses of the new Republican counties pounded the table and demanded to be recognized.
“One at a time!” Daley shouted over the din. “How are we supposed to solve these regional problems if we all talk at once? The chair recognizes President DeAngelis from Reagan Country, I mean, County.”
“Mr. Mayor,” began the snowy-meined DeAngelis, “I move that we adjourn and reconvene one month from today, in the suburbs, after our staffs have had a chance to check out some of these details.”
“I second that,” said Judy Topinka, “And further move that our next session be held at the Old Prague Restaurant on Cermak Road. Best dumplings around. And Hyde County needs the business.
“So moved,” grinned Chairman Daley, “but if I’m busy that day, I may send a representative. Heh, heh, heh.”
