Sunday sees the telecast of the 47th annual Primetime Emmy Awards (7 p.m., WFLD-Ch. 32), and beyond the usual controversy about whether Angela Lansbury will finally win, you know what that means.
It means it’s a good week to be talented, Southern Californian, and in the formal-wear rental business.
It means viewers who are not devotees of television stars or awards shows will find a likely aid to their slumber, especially with noted improvisational comics Cybill Shepherd and Jason Alexander hosting.
It also means it’s time to dunk our head into the apple barrel in an attempt to land our wisdom teeth in the likely winners.
There are several schools of thought on picking entertainment awards, everything from gut instinct to analysis of past voting patterns. But we’ve hit upon a method more pure than that, as the accounting firm of Price-Waterhouse would certainly certify if they could be lured into this office on the mere promise that nobody in the firm would have to don a tux for the occasion.
Our method could be described as a twist on the argument in a bar that all awards shows boil down to, anyway. Instead of being settled by which of the barflies bellows loudest, this one moves, metaphorically, to the pub’s back corner, where people of no demonstrable skills are allowed to hurl what other cultures consider deadly weapons.
Our method, in short, is a liability nightmare.
It’s prognostication at dartpoint, Emmy picks at 10 paces.
On one wall, a $9.99-at-Target dartboard, baseball side exposed. One category at a time goes on the board, and push pins hold to each base and the pitcher’s mound slips of paper bearing on their backsides the names of the five nominees.
Twenty-five feet away, a television critic with a gleam in his eye and a fistful of cheap darts. Happy when he hits even the board, never mind one of the business card-sized slips, his skill level keeps the selection process appropriately random.
When a slip is finally pierced, a prediction is logged, a new set of nominees goes on the board, and the critic is one step closer to justifying something truly weird on the expense account.
A July column analyzed the nominees, so this one is straight prediction. Because some people may not yet be ready to accept a pub game as a lone means of handicapping, we’ll give a dart, head (who we think will win) and heart (who deserves to win) pick in each of the main categories, though, really, our heart is with the darts. Next week we tally the results and see which method rules.
Drama. Nominees: “Chicago Hope,” “ER,” “Law & Order,” “NYPD Blue,” “The X-Files.” Dart: “X-Files” (2nd base). Head: “ER.” Heart: “NYPD Blue.”
Comedy. Nominees: “Frasier,” “Friends,” “The Larry Sanders Show,” “Mad About You,” “Seinfeld.” Dart, heart: “Sanders” (1st base). Head: “Frasier,” for 2nd year in a row.
Drama actor. Nominees: George Clooney, Anthony Edwards, “ER;” Dennis Franz, Jimmy Smits, “NYPD Blue;” Mandy Patinkin, “Chicago Hope.” Dart: Franz, 2nd consecutive (pitcher’s mound). Head, heart: Patinkin.
Drama actress. Nominees: Kathy Baker, “Picket Fences;” Claire Danes,”My So-Called Life;” Angela Lansbury, “Murder, She Wrote;” Sherry Stringfield, “ER;” Cicely Tyson, “Sweet Justice.” Dart, heart: Danes (1st base). Head: Lansbury.
Comedy actor. Nominees: John Goodman, “Roseanne;” Kelsey Grammer: “Frasier;” Paul Reiser, “Mad About You;” Jerry Seinfeld, “Seinfeld;” Garry Shandling, “The Larry Sanders Show.” Dart: Shandling (pitcher’s mound). Head: Reiser. Heart: Grammer, who won last year.
Comedy actress. Nominees: Candice Bergen, “Murphy Brown;” Ellen Degeneres, “Ellen;” Helen Hunt, “Mad About You;” Roseanne, “Roseanne;” Cybill Shepherd, “Cybill.” Dart: Roseanne (2nd base). Head, heart: Hunt, touted from the podium by last year’s winner Bergen.
Drama supporting actor. Nominees: Hector Elizondo, “Chicago Hope;” James Earl Jones, “Under One Roof;” Eriq La Salle, Noah Wyle, “ER;” Ray Walston, “Picket Fences.” Dart: Wyle (pitcher’s mound). Head: Jones. Heart: Walston.
Drama supporting actress. Nominees: Barbara Babcock, “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman;” Tyne Daly, “Christy;” Sharon Lawrence, Gail O’Grady, “NYPD Blue;” Julianna Margulies, “ER.” Dart: O’Grady (1st base). Head: Daly. Heart: Lawrence.
Comedy supporting actor. Nominees: Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, “Seinfeld;” David Hyde Pierce, “Frasier;” David Schwimmer, “Friends;” Rip Torn, “The Larry Sanders Show.” Dart: Richards (1st base), again. Head: Hyde Pierce. Heart: Torn.
Comedy supporting actress. Nominees: Christine Baranski, “Cybill;” Lisa Kudrow, “Friends;” Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “Seinfeld;” Laurie Metcalf, “Roseanne;” Liz Torres, “The John Laroquette Show.” Dart: Torres (3rd base). Head: Metcalf, for the fourth year in a row. Heart: Louis-Dreyfus.
