Wisconsin has long been the No. 1 destination for Chicago area vacationers, and this year will obviously be no exception, never mind that winter hung on in the far reaches of the state like the (snow) man who came to dinner.
The ice and snow will certainly all be gone by the 4th of July or shortly thereafter, and Wisconsin will green up its welcome mat for the visiting hordes as it always does. The citizenry will sweep out the cottages, fill the beer coolers, oil up the cash registers and say to each other, “Let ’em come!”
And if you are among “’em” and if you really want to enjoy your visit to Wisconsin this summer, spend a few minutes with this mini-course on “Understanding Cheeseheads.”
LESSON 1: Smile when you say “Cheesehead.” Wisconsin residents tolerate this mildly disparaging moniker because it seems to give such delight to the flat-lander guests who use it, and because they have been called worse. Also, earlier this year when Dennis Rodman wore a Cheesehead hat in Milwaukee on the occasion of the Bulls winning 7,000 or so games, the Cheesehead image was mightily enhanced, as was Rodman’s.
LESSON 2: Cheese is just one of the many tasty food products of Wisconsin’s “Dairyland,” so obviously there are a lot of farmers in the state. Respect them. They feed us, you know. Watch out for slow-moving tractors and the occasional heifer that sneaks through the fence to sample roadside grazing. And if you get a chance to actually talk to a farmer, find out his or her name instead of addressing them as “Mr. (or Mrs.) Cheesehead.”
Lesson 3
Illinois drivers–and other demolition derby enthusiasts–are a summer burden that Wisconsin residents bear with resignation, accepting the fact that it is somehow important for the flatland drivers to be in front of rather than behind an “America’s Dairyland” license plate. This may be the result of some behavioral pattern that evolved from biologic crowding and competition. Great herds of wildebeests stampeding toward the water hole comes to mind. Remember that Wisconsin has countless “watering holes,” and there is plenty of room for everyone. So, SLOW DOWN. A vacation is not the Indy 500, or even a race to the next traffic light.
Lesson 4
Many people come to Wisconsin for the manmade stuff like the Wisconsin Dells’ entertainment attractions or the casinos, but most travelers come because of the natural beauty: unspoiled forests, lakes, rivers, parks, waterfalls and the flora and fauna.
These natural treasures are very important to Wisconsin’s people, some of whom go so far as to give their children names like Flora and Fauna and Forest; and they like to think that, like the state’s natural assets, all Wisconsin children are “unspoiled.”
Reverence for the land and water is something Wisconsinites like to share, so get off the concrete when you come to Wisconsin. Drive the shady back roads–slowly–and stop now and then just to smell (beware of farmers spreading manure) the roses, or whatever is blossoming.
If you see a Wisconsin woman on a hill looking off into the distance, she is probably just pausing to enjoy the view. On the other hand, she may be looking for the cows, or her husband who disappeared with the milk check and the hired girl.
Lesson 5
About the time the Catholics let up on the Eat-Fish-on-Friday-or-Else! thing, it became something of a statewide religion in Wisconsin. Nobody knows how this happened, but when you come to visit, try the Friday night fish-fry specials. They are served at every crossroads tavern, all of the restaurants, and at some hardware stores. It is not all batter-fried cod because some of the fish fryers use perch or walleye and it can be very tasty. There is a rigidly enforced Wisconsin code that specifies that fried fish must be washed down with frosty flagons of ice cold beer.
Lesson 6
Many of you will be coming to Wisconsin not only to eat fish but to catch fish. This is a wonderful thing, and something highly appreciated by Wisconsin residents, so many of them being fishing types themselves.
If there is anything that truly gladdens a Cheesehead’s heart, it is visitors who need gear worth thousand of dollars, and care and feeding worth hundreds of dollars just to catch a few pea-brained fish worth a dollar and a half. Wisconsin people live these kinds of economics, and they promote them like evangelists. The state motto is not “Eat Cheese or Die,” nor is it “Cut Bait or Fish,” but maybe it should be.
The reason for all of this, aside from the particular “fishy” character attributes of the residents, is the wondrous array of lakes and streams in Wisconsin. Bring your boat, or, better yet, buy one from a Wisconsin marina. Pack your water wings and your fishing tackle, and don’t bother to bring worms, Wisconsin has lots of them, some of them for sale.
Lesson 7
There is, of course, a great variety of ethnic food–sauerkraut and brats, and lutefisk, just to name a few; and if you don’t sample as much of this kind of fare as possible, you are missing out on a lot of fun, not to mention middle-of-the-night experiences with your digestive system. Every community has a summer festival, and the churches or service clubs or volunteer fire departments are forever cooking up something to serve as fund-raisers.
Seek out these food sources, and get acquainted with some of the local folks across a picnic table laden with beans, barbecued chicken and homemade pie. Among the festivals, incidentally, is one in which competitors throw chunks of dried cow manure, and another that features watermelon seed spitting.
Lesson 8
When you come to Wisconsin as a sports fan, be gentle, especially if you think the prowess of Michael Jordan somehow makes you special. Wisconsin likes to think it has some worthy athletes, and it likes to run its own sports show, as evidenced by Gov. Tommy Thompson’s saying that Jerry Reinsdorf should “keep his big mouth shut” on matters of baseball stadiums.
Wisconsin citizens would much rather talk about the Packers than hear about the Bulls, and you might want to keep that in mind when a rainy afternoon traps you in one of the local pubs. Of course, you can always make friends by talking about the Cubs, because Wisconsin people also revere losing.
Lesson 9
Visitors to the Badger State must–like the people who live there–have an appropriate love/hate attitude toward the whitetail deer. It goes something like this: What a lovely creature is the deer, all big brown eyes and perky ears and infinitesimal grace and spotted-fawn innocence. However, we will crash into 40,000 of them on the highways and shoot about a half-million of them with guns and bows each fall, and still there are so many of them they eat all of the farmers’ alfalfa.
This is yet one more reason to slow down. Deer are nice to see, except when stuck on your grille. And deer do not understand that you, as a driver, have the right-of-way.
Wisconsin also has bears and wolves, and it reminds visitors that these wonderful denizens of the deep woods are totally harmless unless you should act the fool in the manner of Goldilocks or Little Red Riding Hood, both of whom, by the way, ended up waiting tables at a nightclub near Hayward.
Lesson 10
Previous lessons having dealt with some of the “consumptive” visitors to Wisconsin, this one is aimed at the bird lovers–which, polls tell us, are most people. Almost everyone in the Badger State likes to watch whatever routine or outrageous thing the birds get involved in, and the observers seem particularly drawn to birds’ reproductive activities. What that implies is beyond the purview of this treatise, but at the International Crane Foundation near Baraboo, there is a man who was once more or less married to a whooping crane. And in Milwaukee, a duck once nested on a bridge piling and became a national media sensation, dominating the news until the ducklings had all hatched and followed their mother off down the Milwaukee River. The point here is that when you visit Wisconsin, you will find it full of birds and bird people, and if you want to be a part of this, get up early in the morning when the birds, if not the Cheeseheads, are most active.
Lesson 11
The official state dance of Wisconsin is the polka, which visitors should know how to do before they cross the state line. You can still tune in polka music from some of the local radio stations, though it is getting tougher to find as time goes on. It is, however, possible to execute the polka step to any kind of music, or no music at all, for that matter, and if you decide to practice it some night on the sidewalks of a rural Wisconsin town, you might want to check out the location of the local constable. The local “dancers” will help you with that. In the most recent session of the Wisconsin legislature there was a move afoot to issue a special polka license plate. “Ah1Ah2” is a likely early vanity plate number.
Lesson 12
There was a report issued some time ago that stated that more Wisconsin residents were overweight than the citizenry of many other (most?) states. Visitors to Wisconsin should not ask about this report, nor should they snicker at men with pot bellies the size of Volkswagens or women whose hips are broad enough to launch fighter planes. Keep in mind that living in the richness of America’s Dairyland has its risks, and if you put on a few pounds as a visitor, you probably had a good time.
Lesson 13
When your visit to Wisconsin is ending, it will make your hosts happy if you buy some cheese to take home. Carry it on your head.
