For Dana Almond, her Connecticut hometown was a slice of heaven. School was great. Dana danced and played soccer. Her grandparents lived nearby. Amy, Kjerstin and Austin were the best girlfriends anyone could have.
Life was good.
Things changed in September 1994. Her father’s employer, where he had worked for years, announced it was downsizing. After a job search, Karl received a job offer in April 1995 as chief financial officer for a manufacturing company–in Maitland, Fla.
“At first I thought that it was a joke, that it was a bad dream and would all go away,” said Dana, 12. “My dad had always had this steady job. It was kind of unbelievable for me. But when they started making plans for moving, I figured out this was real life and I was going to have to move.”
As America has become such a mobile, transient society, it’s become commonplace for families to jump from home to home like frogs upon lilypads. Since 1988 about 17 percent of U.S. families change residences each year.
Moving creates numerous demands and challenges for children, as they are confronted with the prospect of leaving behind friends, family and familiar surroundings. Parents are often bushwhacked when their youngsters react with surprisingly strong emotions.
“When a move means new opportunities and great excitement for the parents — a better job, a new house, a nicer neighborhood — they get caught up in their hopes and excitement,” said Rachel Biale, a Berkeley, Calif., licensed clinical social worker and author of “We Are Moving.” Parents “find it hard to see that, for their child, the move is primarily a loss and a scary unknown.”
Included in America’s annual migration are nearly 9 million children of school age. Research demonstrates that most children are unhappy or scared when they hear they have to move, often conjuring up negative scenarios.
Children may experience feelings of anxiety, loneliness, a sense of loss and uncertainty; these feelings usually revolve around losing friends and making new ones rather than changing school or adjusting to new surroundings.
But research conducted by Frederic J. Medway, a professor of psychology at the University of South Carolina in Columbia who studies the effects of relocations on families, indicates that most kids cope well with moves.
“It’s not that traumatic for most kids; they adjust,” Medway said. But parents need to “just pay attention to their children’s needs and do things to make the transition easier. The difficult part is losing your social network and starting over to make friends.”
Different reactions
Dan Wheeler wanted a better life for his family than they had in rural Brent, Ala.
Farm life was tranquil, even cozy, but the schools left much to be desired. Wheeler mailed out resumes, eventually landing the position of minister at South Seminole Church of Christ in Winter Park, Fla.
“We just said `Orlando,’ ” said Wheeler, 36, explaining how he and his wife, Grace, 36, broke the news to their brood, Nathan, 16, Bobby, 14, and Janna, 11.
For Wheeler and most of his family, the new job and the opportunity to move to a bigger city — one with better schools and theme parks, no less — seemed manna from heaven.
Bobby was thrilled. He couldn’t wait to enroll in computer classes at school. He was rabid for the Orlando Magic.
As for parting with friends, his interests never jibed with his peers.
“Hunting and fishing, that’s all they talked about,” Bobby said.
Janna was more noncommittal. While she was “ready for a change,” she was going to miss her best friend, Kristin.
“I was sort of mopey,” she said.
Nathan was crystal clear on his position: Just say no. He adored farm life. When he needed to think, there was no better way than strolling down to the banks of the river, where the rolling waters would hypnotize him into a state of relaxation as if he were again an infant lulled to sleep by a lullaby.
The teenager was evolving into a “a big fish and small pond.” Nathan was popular. What’s more, a move to Florida would sever the close rapport he shared with a cousin who lived in nearby Montgomery, and his best friend Aaron, who shared Nathan’s love of boxing and kung fu.
Nathan was not happy, and not even the carrot of Disney World could change that.
“I just got used to living here,” Nathan said. “I don’t like the big city; I’m a country boy at heart.”
To their credit, Dan and Grace anticipated and recognized the consternation the move was causing — a key to guiding children through and beyond the move.
“It’s important not to overlook a child’s concerns and to do a lot of talking, even if the child is not asking questions,” said Thomas Olkowski, a Denver psychologist and author of “Moving With Children.” “Don’t assume the child is handling the situation.”
The Wheelers mixed their nightly Bible study with discussions about the move, although the discussions spilled over beyond those sessions.
“It was on our minds every day,” Dan Wheeler said. “The adjustments to a bigger city, the crime rate, the traffic, the distance from our relatives; each time we talked, we gave them a chance to verbalize their feelings, and we reminded them of the advantages — Orlando was a place that people would come to see us.”
They moved to Winter Springs in July 1995.
With a year under their belts, the Wheelers believe the thread that held the family together during the early transition to Florida was that Dan and Grace tried to be attentive parents.
“Parents need to invest as much time as possible in children,” Wheeler said, “especially when they’re young, and reassure them that no matter where the family goes, the children can count on them for support.”
The transition took some time. The children’s first schools didn’t pan out, so they transferred. They played catch-up on some of subject matter in the school.
“Some students find a new school an adventure,” said Leonard Jason, a professor of psychology at DePaul University and author of “Helping Transfer Students: Strategies for Educational and Social Readjustment.” “But others don’t meet new academic expectations, have difficulty making friends and find the whole experience overwhelming.”
Dan thinks they’ve settled in nicely now.
