Among the many cliches about marriage is that a good divorce is better than a bad marriage. But what about a bad divorce? What about a horrendous one? One filled with anger, hate and destructive games? And many of them are, aren’t they?
Frank: “When I was 18, my girlfriend, who was 17, got pregnant and we got married. After the baby was born, she would leave the house for days and weeks at a time, leaving me to care for our newborn son. On one occasion, she was gone for four months.
“After she returned and we reconciled, she told me she was pregnant and half-heartedly tried to convince me the child was mine. I wanted to believe her, but my suspicions proved warranted when a full-term baby was born six months after she returned.
“After the baby was born, she filed for divorce, naming me the father of both children. It makes no difference whether I pay child support or not, since I am denied any and all visitation by the mother. When I complained, an attorney-referee for the Friends of the Court asked me, `Why all of a sudden do you want to be father of the year?’ “
Greg: “I did not want our 24-year marriage to end. We had none of the usual problems, no drugs, alcohol, boyfriends, girlfriends, extensive family or money problems. My wife just decided she wanted a divorce, despite my begging for marriage counseling and promising to do anything to save the marriage. Her $175-an-hour lawyer assured her she could get enough to live on for the rest of her life.
“I quit a $60,000-a-year job during the divorce due to severe depression. I am still depressed, despite many psychiatrists, psychologists, mental health workers, ministers, etc. I receive disability from the job I quit. My ex-wife takes half of it.”
Nina: “I was married eight years and have two daughters. I inherited $25,000 while I was married, and was always responsible with my money. I was a hard worker, and I saved and invested my money. My ex-husband gambled on football games and came into the marriage with no assets. Between him and my attorney, I’m now in debt. I went to a mediator who suggested that next time I marry for money.”
Mike: “I was divorced in 1993 after four years of marriage. I walked out of the marital home into a one-bedroom apartment with my clothes, very little furniture, and the personal items from my hobbies. I was forced to start over completely. I couldn’t rely on a shower for pots and pans. I started my new life and realized that my ex and I were too immature for marriage and too immature for divorce. But, instead of carrying anger and guilt around, I decided to concentrate on the positive: my son.
“Now, three years later, our relationship has flourished. I am the person who fixes cuts and scrapes, cooks, offers emotional support, even though it is only every other weekend and two days during the week. I remind myself that this situation is better for him and me because I’m not just the man who goes to work and leaves his mother to take care of the love part. It’s my job half the year. My ex, my son and I all have balance.”
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“I knew it was love when . . .” “I knew it was over when . . .” Fill in the blank and send it to Cheryl Lavin, Tales From the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Include day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column.
